Inspire a heart

I was at lunch a couple weeks back with a friend.  She sat across the table from me and poured out her heart as to how she felt a few things were missing from the "church" as a whole. As we continued to talk it occurred to me that I've had this conversation a hundred times with a hundred different girlfriends.  What's missing? I began to think.  Really, why are so many woman dissatisfied with the modern church? Well, if you are expecting my answer sorry to let you down because I really don't know the exact answer. I could speculate and give you a lot of opinions (I have several, but I'm not sure if any of them are valid answers). What I do have though, is a possible answer to help. To maybe make a difference. Maybe something to help us, as Christians, move in what we are called to do…love the Lord God with all our heart, our soul and mind and then love our neighbor as our self. For the last few years I have been through a thing or two and have come out wanting to make a difference in the lives of those around me.  Not necessarily fix anybody's problems, because I've learned that is God alone who can do that, but I can lead people to a very real relationship with a God who can fix & heal their problems.  How do I make a difference though?  At times, I've struggled with the 'how to' part of this question.  The following is what I've come up with. First, let me explain that when I shared my heart and with two woman close to me about my dream, vision and heart I received two very different answers.  The first person lady said to me, Amy, you can't just start a ministry out of nothing…you need to be anointed to do that sort of thing while the second lady quickly refuted that line of thinking with the fact that God is willing to anoint anyone with a willing heart and a voice that says 'Here I am, Lord, send me'.  With that I give you my vision and I will let God determine which lady had the correct answer for this dream.  With this dream, I will hold loosely to any preconceived notions or expectations.  If this is a flop, clearly the first person was correct and I needed anointing.  If this is a success then the second person was correct and God anoints those with a willing heart to change the world we live in and bring glory to Him through our faith put into actions.   About 5 months ago my sister sent me a song and it literally infused me with a hope that not all was lost and she still saw my heart through my pain.  Listen to the song below.  This was really the turning point where I knew I was going to take my pain and use it…and little by little I began to see myself come back to life with my original heart to change the world or at least at the very minimum, my own sphere of influence. What I want to do is this. The second Friday of each month starting on February 8, 2013. I want to hold a, for lack of a better word, woman's worship & serve event.  The format will be simple.  We come together to worship and then each month I will have a different speaker and topic in which it won't be just another 'good' message but it will be prayerfully life changing to all the woman involved and will inspire young and old (that term is relative) woman to IMPACT the world around them.  Each speaker each month will have a topic in an area that you can serve.  For instance, one month I would have somebody on the front lines in Human Trafficking rescues and restoration come speak to bring awareness but even more, practical information on how we can help.  Maybe the next month I will bring somebody in who is on the front lines of foster care/adoption to again offer practical information as to how to adopt or foster care.  The next month I would have a speaker speaking about healthy marriages and parenting and give practical/Biblical advice as to how to sow into your marriage and children. Maybe another month it would be a topic of abortion and healing after abortions.  I have had so many woman in the church tell me they have had abortions but have never been able to tell anybody….so let them be healed so they can rise up and help others walk through the pain and receive healing from Jesus too. You get the point.  There are countless subjects and speakers we could have.  I don't know about you but I don't want just another worship service, another church service, another sermon where you go home and say, well that's nice and go about your week.  Ladies, it is time to rise up for such a time as this and begin to make a difference in the world around us.  Inspire & pour into other lives.  Let's take all that we have learned and experienced and DO something with it. Let's IMPACT our world for God and watch Him transform and heal lives! I don't know exactly all the details right now or who will all be involved in this.  This is where all of you come in. I have had countless woman email me about my blogs sharing their similar heart and stories.  If any of this blog inspires, ignites or stirs something up in your heart to make a difference in the lives around you and stirs up a desire to do something more than just 'go' to church but rather BE the church then email me and let me know if you would prayerfully consider being apart of launching this ministry. Here is the first big part.  We need a building that we can rent once a month.  A building that has sound equipment that can host a group of woman (hopefully each month it grows in size).  If any of you reading this knows some place any place in Macomb county please email me and we can talk.  My heart is that this event would bridge the gap of churches.  I do not want it to be just one single church event but rather simply, women in the body of Christ kind of event.  So, keep that in mind that I would love a school, office building, store front, business anything that can hold this type of event.  Please let me know if you have a place that you know of to rent for something like this. Next, I am praying for a worship team.  A group of woman (I realize a female drummer may be a bit difficult to find) that have a heart for worship....real life, heart of God kind of worship.  If this is an area you feel like you are called to help with please let me know.  Musicians/vocalists both needed.  I can't wait to see who God puts together for this part! :) So, here  is my heart.  Any and all of you who want to be a part of this, email, text, call me and we will prayerfully launch this together!! I am so excited to see what God does with this first step I am taking.  Any of you that know me, know that it is truly my hearts desire to pour into lives and make a difference in this world....so here begins my journey....will you join me?

Captive thoughts

I generally don't write more than 1 blog a month but I'm pretty excited about what God is showing me so here I go....it'll be short. 

Captive thoughts what does this mean? Well, I know what it means, but what does it mean in our own personal lives? 2 Corinthians 10:5 says this " We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. I love that but I really love how the Message Bible puts it....

"The world is unprincipled. It's dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn't fight fair. But we don't live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity."

"...fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ"

Let that sink in for a moment (or a lifetime).  I was just telling a friend a battle I went through a while back and my exact words were this "The world doesn't fight fair"! My situation at the time, was such that I kept thinking this just isn't fair that when I'm down, all these thoughts are getting thrown at me too and then I got this Scripture out and this part rang true, the world doesn't fight fair but God's Word IS fair and true, it is timeless and always works when applied to our situations in life as we walk them out.

 Have you ever struggled with something in your mind? Maybe it's something everyone knows you've struggled with or maybe it's just between you and God.  Nonetheless it's a struggle to keep your mind from wondering back to a thought pattern that maybe you've thought you could never overcome and has often times overcome you.  Maybe it was a loose thought, emotion or impulse that you feel like you just can't get past.  You can. You will.  But it is a battle, but all battles have a winner and you can win.  Not in your own strength or power.  Not by buying a ton of self-help books (really, who are those books helping other than the ones writing them by making money), not by quietly meditating on a mountain somewhere chanting some powerless phrase...no you take every thought captive and make it obedient to God.  It is an action that you take. 

I know what you're asking now....so I have to take the thought captive one time and I'm done with it right? Wrong.  Sometimes, in different seasons of my life, I've had to take the same thought captive over and over again 100 hundred times a day until I overcame a wrong way of thinking. Taking your thoughts captive you can turn it around by taking God's Word and applying it to your thoughts until you overcome those thoughts and begin thinking on whatever is true, whatever is lovely, whatever is noble (those are the thoughts we are to be thinking on Phil 4:8).  In other words, you can replace the lies that are going through your head about yourself or how others view you or your shortcomings that you feel and replace them with how God views you and your situations.  He loves you, He has good thoughts for you and a purpose for you He, daughter, is enthralled with your beauty, you are an overcomer, victorious not defeated...the list goes on and on!

Renew your mind daily with God's Word and don't give up hope.  You can overcome wrong thinking patterns...keep pressing in and meditating on scriptures that give life, hope and healing (even for your broken thoughts).  And, by the way, if there is something you are really struggling with that nobody knows about, find someone you trust and is a strong Christian (a good friend, a pastor, family member or your spouse) and tell them you are struggling so you can have somebody to be accountable to.  I am thankful for a couple of amazing people in my life who will speak truth into my crazy thoughts (even if it hurts a little to hear from time to time). 

Press on sisters!! God has awesome things in store for you! Don't grow weary in the battle!! :)

Choices

We are faced with choices every day. They come in different sizes...some come with ease while others bring difficulty and heartbreak. From choices to hit the snooze one more time on a dark rainy morning, to what kind of coffee to drink, what to wear or eat today, what road to take during construction to more difficult choices like where to send your kids to school, where to move (or should you move), should you tell a friend her husband is cheating on her or even harder should we take a family member home to pass peacefully, free from hospital commotion? The list goes on and on. You get the point, choices come in all different shapes in sizes.  Some of them are so completely common that we choose without even giving thought to them while others are painstakingly long processes in order to make the right choices.  Some choices effect other choices.  They are personal to you and your life and your preferences.

I have been leading a Bible study on the book of James for about 7 weeks now.  This is probably one of my favorite books of the Bible.  For someone like me, who likes things to be said direct and succinctly, it gives me more than ample directions.  I love that.  What I didn't expect to learn throughout the study is the backround as to why James was giving the directions, who his audience was and who he was "emulating" if you will.  If you look at Matthew 5-7, the sermon on the mount you will see Jesus, James' big, half brother giving a list of instructions.  If you are like me and love to run down a mental (or written) checklist of what you are doing, then you love both the book of James and even more Jesus' words in this portion of scripture.  All it takes to live a holy life and get all "A's in your Christian walk is to follow these rules to a "T" right?  Simple.  I like clean clear cut direction.  

What I didn't anticipate learning from this study but more importantly from the last few years of my messy valley of a life is that it takes so much more than reading my list of rules, checking them off and going about my day.  It takes a...choice to live them out from a heart perspective and not a mind perspective.  Living as though they are in your heart is different then running through a list of do's and don'ts in your mind.  When faced with anything deep, intense or emotionally time consuming in life you have a choice that you can begin to look at the Word of God with a different perspective maybe with a little more heart than mind.  I've had so many conversations where Christians condone what they feel is permissible in their walk with God without falling into sin.  In other words, people often ask what can I get away with...what are the gray areas that maybe are not in black and white in the sermon on the mount, the book of James or the whole Bible for that matter?  
 
As I've walked through some pretty intense emotions of loss, I realized something that I thought I already knew but now is my reality that I am so thankful for.  You can run down a list of do's and don'ts, you can try to walk as close to the line as you can without falling into sin to be "culturally relevant", you can even pretty it up and make it look like you are saving the world on the outside but the truth of the matter is this, if you are not doing any of it from a pure heart than it is useless and no better than the Pharisees keeping the law.  The Bible says the heart is deceitful above all else and who can know it? (Jer 17:9).  The choices we make in our Christian walk go beyond our own ability to check off a list of rules as to how to have a great a Christian walk in front of people.  Our choices come in the quiet moments alone with God....when it is you and Him and He alone knows why you are doing the things you do. Are you doing them for public affirmation, are you doing them because you feel like you have something or someone to prove yourself to, are you doing them because you feel like He wouldn't love you if you didn't do them so you are working for his love out of your insecurities or are you just truly doing them out of obligation or religion or are you staying so busy doing things in effort to keep yourself from dealing with the bigger issues at hand? I've done all of them at different times in life to varying degrees. Your heart can deceive you.  My heart has deceived me.  

I think through the last few years of my life and I was often times just barely surviving, thanking God that I had a relationship with Him before this storm had taken place.  I knew my choices to hold onto Him were coming out of a place of brokeness & necessity to remain somewhat sane (although the person I had been before was quickly changing) in the midst of my pain I could never have imagined the depth it would bring that I so desperately needed in my life and then it would also expose so many ways my heart had deceived me and it was ugly.  My prayers now have been 'search me oh God, and KNOW my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts  See if there is ANY offensive way in me..... Psalm 139 (of course) 23-24 and then get rid of it God..all the ugly stuff.  Let God check your heart when making choices in your walk with Him.  Let your prayer be that God would reveal your own heart motives to you with every choice you make whether you are walking on a mountain or through a valley. 

It goes so far beyond whether or not you can get an "A" for all the rules you follow.  Even more heartbreaking is the scripture in James 1:23-24 when he said "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."  So, you just have an illusion of a walk with God but are forgetting what it says when making difficult choices in life.  What good is having a form of godliness but denying its power?  How can somebody have a form of godliness but deny its power?  They haven't dealt with their heart motives.  Choosing to just follow a list of rules without ever letting God transform your heart, or letting Him search your heart will render you powerless and empty.  Choose to let the Word of God sink deep into your heart and allow Him to change your heart, heal you, lead you from the inside out, it may mean you will still make mistakes.  Scratch that....you will make mistakes but from the depths of your heart, cry out to walk this life and make choices that honor Him...not because it's the "right" thing to do or because this is just the way you've always done it but because He has truly transformed your heart and you are serving Him because you truly love Him and want to do all the things we read about in His word.  So, in all the choices you make daily choose to have a heart following after God, after all, it is so much more fulfilling than an all A report card with no heart transformation.

Married with Children

My oldest daughter will be 13 next month.  My husband and I are looking at each other in amazement wondering how time can fly so quick and how in the world a couple of 25 year olds can have a 13 year old?  But time keeps moving, fast.  Throughout our marriage we have been asked a million and one times by friends and outsiders how our marriage works out this great, how it is we are more than thrilled to have all girls and how is there not more drama in the whole process of raising them?

We often laugh when people ask why we aren't complaining about each others Idiosyncrasies or why we aren't complaining about how "difficult" it is to raise girls. The very quick follow up to these questions are often one of two responses. One, well you must have just married a really great husband and two, we must have been lucky to get 3 easy personality types with our girls.  Those responses are always followed up with a warning of just wait til they are teens because you are going to be in so much trouble with all those girls!

I have 3 responses to these statements.

Marriage. Isn't it funny when people do not want to work at something they look around at what everybody else has and will complain that they don't have that same thing.  What this person maybe does not realize is that anything that is good requires work. Lots of work. Yes, it can be fun (Jim & I are living proof of that) but that is because we have worked hard at our marriage.  It doesn't happen by accident...it is intentional. It is a commitment to talk everything out, choose to spend time together, pray together, and most importantly to put God first, then your spouse (not yourself).  Choose to laugh together, choose to not take everything so seriously or pick apart your spouses faults...pick up a mirror and realize you are not perfect either. Value each others opinions and dreams....take time to dream together and realize when you made a commitment to each other, your happily ever after was going to be a team effort and you will be working at it happily ever after...it won't just be an accidental, magical fairy tale.  The benefits of choosing your spouse over yourself, compromising or even relinquishing your "right" to be right every single time, is unbelievably awesome when both the husband and wife are doing the same thing at the same time. 

Children. Daddies, pour into your baby girls, your elementary girls, your jr high girls and, yes, even your high school aged girls. They need and crave your input! Tell them their value and worth to you and your wife and to your family! Say I love you. Often. If you don't they will find someone who does. Tell them it is alright or better yet expected from them to be modest.  That your girls are worth being fought for and deserve a man who treats them with respect.  Show them the love of an unconditional father...in your hands you hold the opportunity to show them in earthly terms how much their Heavenly Father loves them! You will help form how they see God the Father.  Communicate.  Communicate.  Communicate.  And, oh yeah, communicate.  Start from the time they are baby girls in a crib.  If you talk and listen to them talk during those little tea parties they throw every few hours, that will carry over (if you continue keeping those lines of communication open) to when they are invited to their first "real" party whatever that may look like.  She will come home and tell you all the events that happened at those parties as well.  Trust me, I know. I did.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the tears, the pain, the drama, my dad heard it all.  Jim hears it all from our 3 sweet little girls.  He loves every moment of it.  My dad did too.  Choose to be intentional in your relationship with your daughters.

Ok, moms, you are not off the hook when it comes to raising your daughters! 95% of the time it is other ladies who tell me the dread they feel in the relationship with their daughters.  Why? This may sting a little, but most of the time it is because their daughters are a direct reflection of the mom and what that mother did in raising their girls.  Moms, your daughters are watching your every move to see how they are suppose to act as girls, young ladies and as woman.  Be an example.  Period. Be a Godly example.  Walk out in front of them how they are suppose to handle situations, both positive and negative.  However you want your girls to act like, you must act like! I remember waking up for school every day as a kid and going to my back family room and would see my mom with a cup of coffee, open Bible on her lap as she would turn to me and smile and say she was talking to Jesus, he calls me Margaret and I'm listening to Him.  Show them how to love the mess out of Jesus, show them how to walk out purpose in their lives, show them how to dress appropriately, show them how to love unconditionally, show them how to laugh at themselves and not take life so seriously, show them it is possible as ladies to live drama free lives, show them what an intentional, passionate purpose filled life looks like, show them how to overlook an offense and how to be a wife, friend, sister, daughter, overcomer!  Don't compete with your girls for attention. Ever. Build them up and encourage them with your words.  Notice I've said "show" them? Daughters will watch your every move to see if your life is real and sincere....they don't want to hear you say, do something, when you are not showing them that you yourself aren't willing to do it.  You will lose credibility. Live your life in front of them.  That's not to say you won't go through trials. You will. Go through them together...show your daughters how to go through the storms of life with grace....that is the biggest lesson my mom has shown me in her pain.  How to hold on to Jesus through storms and receive his grace and strength through each season both good and bad.  I can hope & pray that I can give my girls the same gift.

All this to say, if you didn't have this growing up or do not have this right now with your marriage or with your daughters, God is the God of second, third, one hundred chances.  Today is the day you can start making a difference in your marriage and in the lives of your kids! You can do it.  Open up your Bible and it has tons of instructions as to what love looks like, how to be a great wife or husband or parent.  Grab a friend who can help keep you accountable where you feel like maybe you are falling short.  Do not condemn yourself....every morning God's mercy is new for that day! You can receive that mercy and extend it to everyone else in your family....you will be pleasantly surprised at the responses and outcomes!

Much love,
Amy

Our Beth Moore study James: Mercy Triumphs

For those of you who cannot view the events page on Facebook I am posting this here on my blog.  It is and has been my heart for some time now to be able to host woman's studies for more than just one church or denomination.  I feel like we are all the body of Christ and woman getting together to study the Word of God should cross over denominations and church affiliations. I love when women who are Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, Non-Denominational and Pentecostal all come together for the sole purpose to grow in an understanding of God's Word and then apply that to our lives...after all, we will be spending eternity together and I'm pretty sure none of us will care what church we went to other than knowing we were all in the same body of Christ! So, here is my fb events page message.  Bring a friend and see you this week!

Hello girls! I cannot even express to all of you how excited I am to do this study with you! I watched the first dvd session and I wanted to let all of you know a few things. First of all, if you have ever done Beth Moore's studies before and feel like you may not be able to keep up with the homework, Beth states several times, for this study, that she encourages woman to come and watch the video and enjoy the group discussion anyway without feeling obligated to complete the homework. She promises you will still get so much out of it. 

Also, we are going to be challenged to be doer's of the Word in addition to hearers with different things each week to do. For example the first week we are to all bring a few groceries to the second session and vote on a family or pantry to donate that 

to. So excited to do that each week! 

Also, make note that you DO NOT need the workbook the first week, just come and watch the DVD (there are notes to fill in but it is minimal this first week). Also, we have CHILD CARE for this study. Do not let that hold you back from coming. It is an awesome young lady who loves children. Each week bring an amount of money you feel is suitable for the amount of kids you are bringing and the time they are here for (again if you cannot pay do not let that keep you because I know it will be covered but we do want to bless this girl for giving her time). 

Doors open at 9:15 and we will start promptly at 9:30 and finish at 12. That allows enough time for discussion, the dvd, and time to eat (of course food is involved with me ;) I cannot wait to do this study with you ladies! I am always encouraged and blessed beyond words when a group of woman come together to learn and share the Word of God and their hearts with one another and choose to make a difference in the lives around them! 

Please, please, please feel free to invite friends...the more the merrier you all know my heart is to open my home to as many woman as I can fit in my here :) Much love to all of you as we embark on this journey together to study the book of James and show mercy to those hurting around us! Amy

The following is the public events page for the Bible study...

http://www.facebook.com/events/298128396951224/declines/

Will you still call me superman?

Do you remember this song? Will you still call me superman (or woman to be more gender neutral).  It was one of my favorites  in the 90's (yes laugh...I have a billion favorites).  My friend would play it on his guitar for me over and over (that one and as many goo goo dolls songs as I asked for :) We would sing out the lyrics as loud as we could.  But one line always stood out for me above the rest 'You took for granted all the times, I never let you down'.

Those lines have been fixated in my head long before my friend and I were singing those words, long before I met my husband, long before I became an adult.  It was a statement deep rooted into my childhood and who I was.  I hated letting people down at any cost.  Maybe a few of you can relate out there, so this blog is for you, maybe none of you can relate so this is the end of reading this blog, so instead go youtube Kryptonite and take a stroll thru the 90's...if not stay with me while I make a few points.

All summer long, for some reason, my girls keep referring to my "superhero power" as my ability to make friends in one single line.  No matter where I go, I start talking and asking questions getting people to talk or just make conversation.  It's actually become kinda funny every time we go somewhere and I finish a conversation with a stranger, I will look over at Emma and she starts laughing and says...Everywhere, mom? Everywhere. I smile and say yep, Emma, everywhere.

I think everyone has points in their lives where, who they are, become very clear to themselves.  It has been that way for me for the last couple of years. I had never been a person who reflects much.  I'm always moving forward, didn't dwell on the past or have many regrets.  Which is a great way to live, but have realized since my dad passed away a couple of years ago, that sometimes it's alright to reflect, to process, to go deeper and heal. Sometimes, in order to move forward you have to take a moment to look back, learn from it and then press forward in full force.  I get that now.

Here's the part where some may relate. I am to the extreme, a first born, text book "fixer".  I have been teased by many as having a "bleeding heart" for those who may not care, need it or want it like a very close friend of mine growing up who everyone judged and gave up on but I kept praying for her and hoping that one day she would make the right decisions.  Throughout life, I would do everything in my power to help a broken person.  Even at the cost of my own things in life.  I would try my hardest to "not let somebody down" I would be there, help, listen, be a friend to, try to fix, walk things through...do whatever for...fill in the blank. I am NOT saying this to present it as a good thing always.  Hear my heart, I'm learning that it has often been the very thing that has gotten in my way, clouded my reality, caused me to make not the best choices.  I am learning that with a heart for people there should always be a line that God alone delineates.  Otherwise you can be down a road trying so hard to fix something that you wake up to realize it wasn't a burden that was yours to carry or fix. 

I began to look back over my life and see that this 'trait' was a God-given gift when used correctly and submitted to God's leading. Like with all personality traits there is a good and bad side to it. When used for God's glory it is awesome thing but without God it could be destructive. When I have allowed God's leading this was something God has used in my friendships and acquaintances in life. 

When my dad got sick, there was never a more extreme time of trying to "fix" then that time. To no avail..there wasn't a fix.  After he died, I did everything I could to help, to fix, to mend my family and make everything as alright as I could.  After years of my sister saying you can't fix everything, Amy, I took a step back and began to evaluate my life.  So, many people in my life had told me that exact phrase throughout my life.  I've been told at times, to just not say anything, walk away from situations, separate yourself, don't worry about people and or situations.  Easier said then done. But I have learned a few life lessons from who I am and who other people are.

A friend was over last week, she isn't a super close friend (you know how you have tiers of friendships, like super close, close and casual...maybe that's just me and my weird thinking just like how I feel like there are truly leagues in dating and marriage which Jim thinks is a proposterous way of thinking...but I know there is truth to it otherwise how would an ugly guy get a cute girl if they don't fit in each others leagues...simple, a personality or humor has to bump them into their league! Anyways, I'm digressing and Jim doesn't subscribe to this line of thinking! But it IS truth!) Anyways, she was over and was asking me a few questions about my summer. She started to speak into my life like very few ever have.  She said people quote that scripture to me all the time about 'when words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds is tongue is wise' (I said yes, that has been spoken to me more times than I can count) she said Amy you are a talker and the Bible has much to say about that too....there are apostles, evangelists, prophets, teachers, and ENCOURAGERS and they all use words....lots of words! For those of us that use words, with God's wisdom, words can bring life, encouragement and help to situations! Words are a gift from God when they are God given.

Here's where the line is though. Insert your for my when it is applicable....My desire to "fix" is alright.  My "bleeding heart" is alright.  My desire to help and speak into a situation is alright.  My desire to change the world and make a difference in lives is alright, too.  But, and listen to this part which is the most important part, we all have good works God has prepared in advance for us to do, right? But the where and to who is different for all of us. We all have different lives God has intended for us to make a difference in and speak into. That is where the wisdom of holding your tongue comes in...knowing and listening to who and where God calls you to.  I can do my part to help, fix, change, listen, talk but I am human. I will let you down. I will not have all the answers. I will not have all the fixes.  I will not have a big enough heart to heal anybody.  My ability to make friendships is great but, anything done in my own power is mere human...not superhuman.  There is only ONE who is supernatural and can take my human attempts and breath life into any and all situations like no other.  His name is Jesus.  I can offer the solution, the answer but I can't fix or heal anybody's heart. He alone knows whose life I am suppose to walk along side, speak into, help, pray for...on and on and on..and when I listen to Him He leads.  I know that isn't a revelation for most...but for me it is simple but true.  It is God alone who heals, fixes and binds up the brokenhearted.  He is the true first born fixer.

This summer I have realized that God has given me my personality for such a time as this and I have such a renewed sense of passion to reach the lost, change the world, help those who are hurting and use what God has given me but all the while knowing that it is God alone who sees the big picture and I am simply playing a part over here in Macomb (or wherever we are headed to next).  Such a relief for a text book "fixer" to know that the end result doesn't rest on me and how I perform....it begins and ends with God's grace and mercy on His creation.

So, to all my text book "fixer's" and talkers out there.  Allow God to use your words to speak life into situations all around you, allow Him to lead you to those who are hurting but do not take on the responsibility of bringing their pain to complete healing....take their pain and lead them to Jesus and allow Him to fix and heal...you are simply a mouthpiece for God to work through to bring glory to Himself!

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Much love,
Amy

To wait or not to wait....

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go, I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.  Psalm 32:8

So, I will start this blog with "so"(here you go miss Nina, another one of my stories ;) Sooo, do you ever sit and wonder in the midst of your of life, where this is all leading to? Where your life is leading to, are we just mundanely wondering through this life trying to figure out the next step on our own or why you even took the last step you took, am I heading in the right direction, did I hear correctly...am I off course or am I right on track and the fog will soon lift and I will see a gorgeous landscape up ahead (literally, I'm waiting to hear on the acceptance of a bid on some property)?  Ever feel like that? I generally don't, I'm pretty decisive and impulsive....quick to make decisions if there is a peace to move forward...but today is one of those days I'm just having to trust God at His Word when I can't see what's up ahead....heck, I can't even see what's right in front of me today!  

I choose to believe that God is instructing me in the way I'm suppose to go and He will order my steps, His Word is always true.  However, it seems more like a crawl today at this point rather than a step or steps....not even a crawl...maybe just a stand still...while I'm watching everything else move by.  I don't like to stand still very much.  My mind is generally moving at about a million miles an hour and if my daily pace isn't moving equally as fast, I tend to question where I am at even though God says over and over be STILL and know that I AM God!  So, here I sit, stand, wait (I'm not great at waiting and I don't like it) I have a million things deposited into my heart over the past few years and now I'm on hold....I can imagine how I want God to work it all out, but He's God. I am not. And He will make it all work out perfectly.  Romans 8 (one of my very favorite chapters of the whole Bible, says He will work things all out...again I will trust Him at His Word)!

God has given me a vision for what I am suppose to do next with a woman's ministry but I just don't know how to go about doing it.  It's so funny how many times I've heard in my life that God gives us gifts and talents to use in our lives for His glory, but here I sit waiting, taking the deep breath I thought I wanted and needed, only to sit and wait for God to give the next step, to lead me in the direction I am suppose to go with it.  I hate waiting....have I mentioned that? Haha, I know what I want to do but am on hold and it's so funny because I feel like I'm doing nothing, which I hate....I hate doing nothing!  God is teaching me to wait and get closer with Him til I know the next few steps and in the process, I am planning and preparing....which I generally like the "show" or "event" part of the plan rather than the preparation and waiting stuff, oh well, today I choose to wait on you God and hear your voice for the big picture...or maybe not so big picture...maybe just the next step! Whichever direction it is, I trust that it is exactly what you have planned for me, your Word is true, you order our every step and maybe a couple of stand stills as well in the midst of our steps!  I still like the soaring part better though ;)

This is the air I breathe....

This is the air I breathe This is the air I breathe Your holy presence living in me And I, I'm desperate for you And I, I'm lost without you This is the air I breathe.  


I've thought about writing this blog many many times...I've started writing it, stopped, started and rewrote it a few times now.  Each time praying and asking what God wants to say to you....to me.  This song Breathe...so significant in my life and I guess I hadn't even realized that until just recently.  An old song...not modern...it's not Hillsong or Kari Jobe or Jesus Culture or Desperation Band.  It's a simple song from Vineyard.  Yet, doesn't God often times speak to us in the simplicity of something unexpected?  This song was overplayed to the point I was sick of it when I was on tour in the 90's, but just like with much music, a feeling from the repetitiveness is evoked later from hearing such a familiar song from a season of your life.  Often a reminder of something forgotten or just misplaced along the way.  I came home from tour and led worship with a guy who taught me a lot of what I know about worship (that it really has nothing to do with the song itself but rather it is the heart behind the music that God is after) and he would sing this song over and over again until people would get that concept...until I would get that concept.

Funny how sometimes you get lost along the way, forget what you are meant to do or just lose momentum in moving towards your goal.  Sometimes, you get derailed by a series of events....but sometimes those same horrible events are what bring you back to what your heart and passion were to begin with.  Does that make sense?  It hadn't made sense to me until recently.  We all have hopes and dreams, passions that motivate us and move us from one season of our lives to the next.  But then there are things God deposits into our hearts very early on in our lives that become re occuring themes in our lives.  At times, you may run from them, curse them, hate them, feel like you are not worthy or adequate enough for them....but there they are...those things that make you want to tear your hair out, pound your fist on the table, scream at the top of your lungs type of things that God just drops into your heart that you know you will ALWAYS have to do....always walk in (even when you try not to or even when life becomes mundane and it gets put on the shelf for a while)...you always end up going back to that...because it is comfort to you (even while being stressful or consuming) you do it because you know you were just created to walk out that dream, that passion, that drive.  It's those things that nobody can judge, second guess (or I guess they could and do but it doesn't matter because God called you to that gift and calling), nobody can define it for you and that passion, dream, calling (or whatever you want to call it) cannot be put in a box or even a specific time or place in your life....it just follows you from season to season.  

I love how God does that for you, for me!  We all have those things put in us that pushes us in the direction where God wants to use us most!  It may evolve or maybe God moves you to the next part or adds to it another facet of the dream but He is always faithful to continue to work through you in that area no matter what happens He always opens more doors for you to walk out your gifts and callings!  I am so thankful that He alone is God and gives me purpose...gives you purpose....that He alone lets us know when it's time to take a "break", that it is, in fact, alright to take a "break" and that we are not serving people with our heart, gifts, passions and callings but we are serving Him and after we fill up, He renews our heart, gives us a new and fresh dose of strength and opens a few new doors along the way to the next step.

A few weeks ago we were at a familiar church that I knew several people at I just wanted to slip in after worship started so I wouldn't be seen and was hoping to slip out before it ended so I wouldn't need to talk to anyone (I hadn't been up for much conversation before that because I had been kind of discouraged). By the end of the service, their worship leader came up and just played something as there was an altar call...the lights were dim and the message spoke volumes to me. I held back tears because for the month prior to that Sunday, I had purposely not listened to worship music (which was a very long time for me) for 2 reasons...One. All that music reminded me of was how I had regained a heart, a dream a passion that had been intensified over the last few years in the midst of loss (ironic timing or not) after my heart for worship had been dulled down for a long time before that...a passion that had become so strong during this time of loss that it was often the very thing carrying me through everything...it was my communication with God for my daily strength...these last 3 years had changed my heart for worship forever but I couldn't see the plan in the midst of my life right now....so I was mad (so listening to any worship made me more mad)...and secondly, because I wanted to not have to get to the heart of some bigger matters and I know worship is the only time when God really REALLY speaks to me so, as horrible as it sounds, I just didn't want to hear Him speak to me about something that I knew needed to be addressed. So, I stood there with my arms crossed and was ready to leave as the worship leader sat down at the piano and played the first chord of a very VERY familiar song in my life….Breathe....this is the song God has used more times than I can count to get my attention when I am frustrated at what I see in the natural...every time I've laid something big down in my life He always gives me clarity in my purpose through this song...

This is the air I breathe This is the air I breathe Your holy presence living in me And I, I'm desperate for you And I, I'm lost without you This is the air I breathe.  

I just stood there trying not to listen while fighting back tears but finally the tears came streaming down my face.  Throughout the course of the last 15 years, God would sometimes gently and sometimes not so gently remind me of the fact that we are called to worship Him and Him alone and this passion for music and more importantly worship, is a part of every fiber of my being....and God knows I've tried to run from it, second guess it, say I'm horrible at it but as God has used this song over and over in my life every time He wants to get my attention that we are called to worship a very holy God! I stand in awe of how involved His is in my life to use the same song over and over again to do it.  I AM desperate for Him and I truly AM lost without Him and I can get mad, stomp my feet, get down right pissed off and angry but once I am done being a brat...He is there, again, with open arms waiting to speak to me that not all is lost and that He will in fact use every detail, every event, every moment and everything in my life to speak through me to reach other people and show His love.  He will build on your heart and my heart, this passion to reach other people and possibly give them a very real hope, that in the midst of every trial, God can and will be glorified if you let Him, and that through your pain or disappointment God can breath new life into a broken heart and use your, my, heart and passions for His eternal Kingdom!

I just cried so hard because the God of the universe loves ME enough (Oh, How He Loves Me) to choose the same familiar song to break through my broken stubborn heart...He spoke to me that the gifts and callings He deposits in our hearts are irreversible and they will find me again and again…they can't be taken away and He will go to any length to remind me of what my heart and passions are, over and over and over again and that it is not defined by a place or person, it is defined by Him alone and He chooses what I do with my life and in what season I do it and where I do it at and He will add to it! How comforting that we can not out run God and that He is that personal in our lives to quietly remind us that He is here for us, He loves us and won't let us go and definitely won't let our passions be snuffed out because He has a plan to use all of us and all of our lives!  I hope you didn't think I would give up after 3 years....a forgotten passion was just re ignited over these past few years and now God has chosen to use it somewhere else and in a different way that's all!  Just likes He wants to do in all of us....let God direct your path...nobody can do it quite like Him...so be desperate for Him and He alone will lead you.

Connections

As I look back over my day, I am again reminded of how, we as people, are driven by the need to be connected to someone, something, some group that defines us and brings value to who we are.  We (for most of us) are hard wired to share our lives with other people.  Isn't that an awesome thing?!  Today I spent my whole day connecting to different people who define my circle in life.  I evaluate my life and I think, this is exactly how I imagined it would be....not how it will stay because I feel like we are constantly growing in life and changing or tweaking it as we move through different seasons of our lives...but the snap shot of today makes me smile!  I think how in the world can a person not want people in their lives to walk through life with, share life with...the ups and downs the laughing parts and the crying parts.  

I was at a very close friends wedding shower this morning and into the afternoon with several friends that I have traveled life with for years....it is comfortable to be with them...they are like family to me...then I was at my subdivisions summer kick off party with friends in our community that are like family to us and as I write this there are 8 kids in my back room laughing as they all watch a movie together.  I began to think...even from a young age we long to be a part of something whether it is your family, your friends, your work or church.........we all. need. people.  Sometimes in some of your circles you get hurt...but people are just that...people.    I heard somebody say in passing a while ago that they need to remind themselves constantly to extend mercy and grace to people around them and they do not do that by nature....I felt so sad for them...that they have gone through life keeping everyone at arms length because they were not able to extend mercy and grace...maybe they were not able to just accept people where they were at...maybe they were always pushing the people in their lives to perform more, be better, do more and missed all the really great stuff already in front of them or missed out on all of the really great people in their world who just loved them and just needed that to be reciprocated. Maybe people like that are always worried about being hurt so everyone gets pushed away if they they can find something wrong with everyone.  Kind of sad when all we really need as people, is other people (and Jesus of course :) It's always perplexing to me when I see people who are closed off from making friendships or having any sort of close relationships in their lives...they are missing out on so much joy!

So, I encourage you today, if you don't do this already, call anyone and everyone in your life right now and tell them that you appreciate them in your life, tell them how you value them....not how you want to change them or all the ways you think they should be doing stuff for you...tell them you appreciate them exactly how they are and how much you love that God connected you to them in your group (whatever group that is for you).  Because, truly, at the end of our lives nobody is thankful for all the stuff they've acquired or how many awards they've gotten but rather they are thankful for the many rich relationships they've shared in their lives and are thankful for those people who have made their lives richer!  That is the true meaning of life....isn't that what we were created for? Relationships.  With God and with others.

Oh, the month of May!

I remember being a teenager always looking forward to the busy month of May because I thought it was fun....well, now as I have become a mom my excitement for this busy month has waned.  I sat at my island last night staring at my schedule wondering how in the world I am going to complete everything on my to do list....tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at Jim and told him there was no way I was going to be able to get it all done!  


This weekend was back to back events that I had no way out of...in fact, in an effort to get Brooke to not go to a Sunday afternoon bday party in Port Huron I tried to bribe her with $20 and she said no so I said $50? How about $50 to stay home so I could study for my mid term this week.  Emma jumped at the chance and said take it...I quickly realized I was being irrational and said $50 was to much....but how about $20?  You're laughing, I know, bad parenting at its finest, right? She didn't take it and yes I was desperate! I know I could have just told her no but all her friends were there and she really wanted to go and very rarely will beg me for anything so I knew she really wanted to be there.


So, as we went from event to event...birthday party to play practice to a field trip to my physical therapy...I kept thinking how am I going to study for this mid term....well I finally got time to study by Tuesday morning only to get the test back yesterday and got a 69% on it...69%!!!  I have never in all of my life gotten that bad of a grade! So, last night I panicked and told Jim what if I can't pass this class...what if I can't get my degree...what if...what if...what if? I have a 50 page (not exaggerating) business plan and floor plan that is due in 4 weeks.  Then I sat there as he was just looking at me and I was reminded that for months he was telling me to pull out of a couple of things that were time consuming because he knew these spring months were going to be crazy!  I kept telling him no and that he was wrong and kept getting mad at him...until I had to check my heart and realize he wasn't telling me to slow down and focus my attention on a few things (instead of 100 different things) because he didn't want to see me doing something I enjoyed but rather he saw what was up ahead (the stress of a crazy month) and was saving me the heartache of being completely overwhelmed (instead minimally overwhelmed, which is where I am today).  


So, I am so glad I listened to him so I can now focus on this semester (because clearly I need to...business law isn't my strong suit apparently! lol), Emma's play, and the next 5 weeks of our chaotic schedule!  So, Jim you were right!  I tend to drive myself so hard and say yes to everything until I hit a brick wall and can't go any further! He uses a little more wisdom and tries to stop me before I hit a wall....he is much better at pacing himself then I am!!  Instead I just get mad at him and tell him I can do it all....when in all reality I needed to check my heart and realize (now) that he knew what he was talking about....and has seen me in this cycle before and loved me enough to say something (even though I'm kind of stubborn and it took a couple of months before I listened).  Sometimes, I tend to be a little myopic in effort to check things off my to do list!


So, I'm sure I will pass the class, I just can't talk to anybody for the next 5 weeks....so please don't be offended when I don't return calls, texts, emails (you laugh, but it happened last week when somebody was offended when I didn't call back).  I sometimes feel like I'm not doing enough if I can't accomplish it all but my life's lesson is that I'm not super woman and that it's alright if I can't do it all.  There is not some nefarious reason as to why I pull back....just the reality that I simply cannot accomplish all that I've placed on my plate and that I need to prioritize correctly according to my husband and family.  Still learning that....I think I can conquer the world when really all I'm asked to do is love my husband and girls the best way I know how and let everyone else worry about all the other stuff....and maybe, from time to time, admit that my husband knows what he's talking about.... ;) I love you James for loving me in my extreme times!  And, with all that being said...I'm off to write an exciting 50 page business plan....

Your life's impact!

I love when God brings something full circle in my life! Because I am so relational by nature, He always uses people and relationships in my life to speak to me through.  Today was no exception...in fact it blew my mind how personal the God of the universe is to me and how absolutely, ridiculously involved He is in my life (and yours if you let Him)!

A while back my husband and I were invited to visit our long time friends church just because they wanted us to come see their church and and give our perspective on it so we agreed to visit for the morning but never expected what personal gift God had in store for me.  As we were driving there, we were running late and quite honestly I just wasn't feeling it...we almost turned around and just went to our church....but something inside me said I needed to go....I thought it was for my friend but I was wrong! 

This was a huge church and lots of people everywhere, the foyer was packed and people were bumping into us.  We recognized somebody we used to know so he ran up to us, hugged us and caught up a bit with us and I asked where do my kids go for children's church?  He walked us over to the kiosk and said take good care of these people they are dear friends of mine (this wasn't the friend we were visiting...but a different friend but if you know me for a half a second you know that I love people and make it my life's goal to meet and befriend as many people as humanly possible in this life so I run into people I know everywhere!! ;)  Anyways, the woman who did the check in asked if we  were visitors and I said yes we are and as the last word in that sentence was complete I heard a voice to my left that asked a simple question of me.... "Are you sure you are a visitor" I turned my head to see this woman standing next to me smiling ear to ear.  Slightly startled by the question, I looked at her and didn't recognize her but said said, um yes I am a visitor and she interrupted me and said Amy Pochodaj it's me (yes, that is my crazy maiden name....so clearly this was someone from long in my past) so she said her name with tears in her eyes.  Are you sitting at the edge of your seat?? I had you from my first line didn't I? As she said her name, my eyes welled up with tears at who my eyes were looking at.  

You see I went to a public school, my parents had gotten saved when I was around 9 and there was no Christian school around so I was the kid who's parents got radically (and I mean radically saved...the no Santa Claus, no Halloween, no Easter bunny....Keith Green kind of saved) so naturally I followed suit and talked to everyone in my public school about Jesus.  I was never afraid of it but always had a heart for evangelism and God knows a public school is a ripe harvest!  So, everyone I could tell about God I would and I never pushed it on anyone but was outgoing and friendly enough to have people listen.  Well, this one girl I had talked to about God often wasn't a Christian in school but 20 years later she visited my mom and dad's church and she went up to the alter to give her life to God and as my mom knelt down to pray with her she looked up and said, you are Amy Pochodaj's mom aren't you...she said yes and after me planting a seed in heart 20 years earlier God had my mom lead her to the Lord!!  How cool is that!?! I love when God does crazy things like that!! Well, my mom never saw her again (that was several years ago). I hadn't seen her since our graduation day....until today! 

She looked at me and I was speechless because I knew the whole story of how God used me and then my mom in her life!  I just said...uh...you...uh my mom prayed...uh! I'm sure I sounded like an idiot but I was so humbled by how God did this!  And that I got to see it all come to fruition! She hugged me and said, I'm here, Amy, and I'm serving here at this church and I'm alright (she had not been alright from what I remembered but God totally had changed her life and has given her a hope!) She told me her kids come there but her husband doesn't and I said...yet...he doesn't come yet, but we will just keep praying! It took my dad a couple years after my mom to come to church!  It took everything in me to not full out start crying there at the kiosk with her in amazement!! I sat down in the service and just began to cry at how intricately involved in our lives God is!  And how much He loves people and loves relationships with people!  It is His joy to show Himself to be so real in our walks with Him!  And today at exactly 10:00am He wanted me to know He loved me and showed me the fruit of something I had sown into 22+ years earlier!  You never know how your life will impact somebody elses!  If God is asking you to speak to someone, don't hesitate!  He knows the big picture and you may never see how it turns out but God does and their eternity is weighing in the balance!  Your words may impact a person in ways you never may understand but God understands what somebody needs to hear and when they need to hear it....He may be asking you to speak into their life.  Don't get discouraged if you can't see a response right away...you have no idea how God may bring it back around full circle 20 years later! God's idea of time is so different than ours is.

God truly orders our every step!  Follow Him with your whole heart and He will direct your path and all your steps!  Let Him show Himself faithful to you because He will and He will blow your mind with how involved He is every step of your life!  Be encouraged....He knows exactly where you are and where He wants you to go...just keep walking and asking for His direction!

The heart of the matter….

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

Do you even know how many times the Bible speaks about your heart? Over 1200 times in the NIV! That's a lot of time God spends in His Word talking about a man's (or woman's) heart! It is clearly an important topic to him….but it's more than a topic, our heart, determines how we live our lives, who we live our lives around, and who we live our lives for!

I’ve stood on a stage pretty much my entire life for one reason or another...but as I stood on a stage about a month ago ready to do one of my favorite songs (insert laugh from Shelly ;) You Are For Me, truly has a ridiculous amount of meaning in my life these past couple of years. Anyways, as I stood there and we were waiting to start it, music playing in the back round, I looked up through the windows (slightly discouraged, as I have been for sometime now about a couple of things..only a couple because I’m mostly an eternal optimist which is why my husband & sister cannot stand this place I’ve been in for a while on a few topics) and I looked up towards the sky, I said a simple statement under my breath...God this isn’t the best voice but it’s all I have and I give it to you (pathetic, I know, but where I was at in that moment)

...a simple one line response is what I heard back clearly...yes, but it’s not your voice I want it’s your heart I’m after.

Simple line but so true in every area of our lives isn’t it? I can compete or compare (please, we all do it to varying degrees) my life to others around us and how I may or may not come up short but at the end of the day (or beginning if you’re a morning person ;) it comes down to my heart (your heart) and why we do the things we do....what’s our motivation? Is it bringing glory to God…no matter what it is?! Or does it bring glory to ourselves (secretly of course because nobody would admit that they want that out loud)? Doesn’t really matter what somebody else’s job, talent, gift, calling or whatever you want to call it is. All that matters is that I (you) are doing what God created you to do! That may take some time to figure out or it may change mid stream on you like I believe it has for me...but none the less whatever it is you are meant to do, do it with all your heart and do it for God not to please people, not out of pride because you think you are great, not because of false humility and think you are not great...just do it! (great tag line, eh, can you tell I’m a wife of an Ad guy?)

With that all being said, I am way into figuring out people…always have been. I love to see what makes people do the things they do. I learned very early on that people's actions don't always give the full story, so my whole life I've loved to go past people's personas and see what's in their hearts. Sometimes, it's heavy and deep stuff and sometimes it's lighthearted and fun, but none the less I love to listen to everybody's journeys. At times, I have hated that about myself (because sometimes it hurts to know peoples pain) but most of the time I love learning about somebody. My family often tease me about the fact that I could be in an elevator on the first floor and by the top floor I've gotten to know some or all of the people in the elevator and many times a deep painful story from a stranger. People just need somebody to listen…not always give answers but sometimes just a sounding board.

Because of this “talent or whatever you call it” I was told over and over again my entire life to guard my heart because it is the wellspring of life. It took me years and I mean years (actually still learning) of opening my heart to people only to find out that even though I listen to people's pain and journey's, I still have to guard my own heart from being hurt or connected to much to someone or something because God knows what isn't beneficial to my walk or simply isn't a place I'm suppose to be because I have my heart set on something I want and not what God wants. Now looking back that's probably why my parents told me (and maybe not my sisters as much) to guard my heart. It’s why God chooses to speak about our heart so often....it is the connection to our soul and to our walk with God! What our heart is set on will determine our steps in life...so as we set our hearts on Him, we will follow Him closely and listen to His voice and leading and not to anything else. When it is set on other things we will follow those things instead of God...even if they seem like God things! That’s why He’s after our hearts and speaks so many times about our hearts because when He has our heart the rest of our lives follow! Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Col 3:2

This song says it perfectly….

Friends with history

With so many changes going on in my life this year, as I left my bday party I reflected on what are my constants, I went home to sleep…but I couldn't! Anyone that knows me well knows that crowds and parties give me a week supply of energy…which may or may not have caused some hiccups in my life in my early 20's! So I stayed up and looked through all the pictures I took. As I came to this one (and a few others with all of these ladies) I had to smile. These women have been the staple friendships that have defined my entire adult life..through thick and thin..up and down…diets, eating, exercising…babies and more babies…and a few surprise babies..marriage stuff, first day of school stuff, money stuff, moving stuff (houses and churches), deaths and life stuff..here these ladies have been! They know my very best attributes and the very worst and they still love me despite them all!

I love them each for very different reasons, my baby sister for obvious reasons and not so obvious reasons…this chic is a gold mine..you have to dig to get to the center of her but there is no one and I mean no one on the planet you want to have in your life more than her (her wisdom goes way beyond her years and always has) she always maintains a cool head when I'm losing mine and even though we are polar opposite personalities we always come to the same conclusion, we just get to it from different directions! There is not a stronger women of God that I know (well, maybe my mom:) but I love talking to her about the deepest things of God…she challenges me to think outside my box…I cherish that about her!

So, then there is Laine, oh my kindred spirit, this chic gets me and that's hard to do because I had searched my entire life for someone who understands me and our friendship is effortless because somehow we always understand what the other one is going through..I don't have to hide behind an "I'm alright" face, I can say my heart and she won't judge or try to fix…she will just listen. Seriously anything I go through she's like yep I totally get it and she will just say exactly what I'm thinking because we think so much a like! I love her!!

Stephanie…my pee friend…yep that's right! I seriously cannot breathe when we are together (which is not saying much because we both have asthma and have shared inhalers and every other allergy medicine) but through everything we've been through in life she reminds me to laugh..not just smile but full on double over, run to the bathroom I have to pee now, laugh!! Everyone needs a Stephanie in their life! When I get to serious or driven I can always count on her to lighten up the mood by saying something funny or sarcastic! For that matter, all of these ladies in my life are hilarious! I could not imagine going through life serious or not getting humor! It is seriously my coping tool!! Stephanie, I love your humor!! You get me always and never judge! I literally can say anything (and I have ;) around you and you take it in stride! So comfortable to hang out with!

Heather, you may be more driven than I am!! :) This last year and a half of your life would have probably kicked anybody else out of the game but you keep coming back fighting!! You are an amazing women! You always have a positive attitude and that's contagious! Even when life is crazy I see you quoting scripture and living it out! I love you for sometimes speaking things into my life that I can't see…you help me look at things with a different perspective! You too, have heard me say what's on my heart and not judge or fix..thank you!

My sweet Tam! I cannot even express to you how excited I am for you in this season of your life! You are always graceful and always sweet….you are beautiful on the inside and out and I know that the inside is what matters but I love that with you I can admit that maybe the outside matters a little bit too!! lol :) I love how in our friendship, that even when we miss talking for a while, we pick right back up where we left off without skipping a beat! I'm so excited about all the things we get to do this year for you as you get ready to be married! Love you so much!

(My other dear friend with history, Rachel, in S. Africa obviously couldn't come but through the last 15 years of our lives we've laughed, cried and lived life together…I miss her so much but Skype is an amazing tool…this chic constantly inspires me to step out in faith and do all that God calls you too…she is a treasured friend!)

All this mushy stuff to say that life long friendships are so important in life…I have realized in the past few years that even though life, people, relationships are not perfect they are to be cherished because God can pour so much into your life through your closest friends. I love these women and am so thankful for all that they bring to my life! :) I am so thankful that they (well my sister had to) stuck by me through these last couple of years when my emotions were crazy and all over the place, they sat by and didn't leave but encouraged, laughed, cried and talked me through all of it! Thank you girls!

A new life..

This is me and my dad with my newborn Emma 12 years ago.

I wasn't raised overly emotional but yet this week I'm struggling with tears. My dad died 2 years ago February 8th (wednesday) but today the Monday he died is what keeps replaying in my mind. Its hard for me to remember all the details of normal everyday life from week to week yet my mind can tell you every detail of that cold life changing Monday 2 years ago.

I'm not a talented writer (that is my husband's amazing gift) but I can write my heart…not perfect but it's real. The first year was the hardest for obvious reasons and not so obvious reasons….as my sister and I watched my moms overwhelming pain at the loss of her best friend, that was a devastation we weren't prepared for…we were losing who she was as well as losing my dad (the consequences of having very close parents who loved each to the end I guess)…and watching my learning disabled sister try to navigate through her pain as she tried to make sense of the whirlwind of 8 incredibly confusing months that we ourselves couldn't even make sense of. The second year has begun healing to my unbelievably solid mom (and to us) and to watch her faith in Jesus has given me an even stronger faith …she seriously is one of the strongest people I know and she knows her God like so few people I have ever seen.

I guess there is not a specific reason to write other than to in some way keep my dad's memory alive…there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss his encouragement and his unbelievable faith in me even when I didn't believe in myself. The love of a father that is so missed in most of my friends lives…I have had to fight anger and bitterness as to why he had to leave us so soon and yet I watch friends struggle with the never ending ache left with their uninvolved fathers still alive. I guess those are answers that I won't know til the other side of this life. I still can't even go near that part of my heart that knows my girls will never fully get to have a relationship with the amazing man that they had for a grandpa. But I do know that he will greet all of us with open arms as each one of us pass from this life to the next when nobody can be taken away again.

Sara and I have often said that even the short 30 something years we had with our dad is better then not ever knowing what it was like to know a father's unconditional love. It truly set the standard for the man I chose to marry...jim is a man that loves me unconditionally and so completely. But even more than that my dad's love laid the ground work for me to receive my Heavenly Father's love unconditionally….I know that there is a very real God who loves me and is now the only Father I have…and I know that He loves me more than my dad did and more than my husband does…His love is perfect and it was and is what carries me through these past 2 years and through these days when I feel like crumbling from the pain of an earthly loss. I dwell in the shelter of the most high and I will rest in the shadow of the Almighty when I don't know what else to do.

My dad's death literally came sandwiched in between 6 family birthdays (his included) and I remember this afternoon 2 years ago as Sara and I had been holding a bowl each time he threw up more blood…Sara would hold his head and I would hold the bowl and wipe his mouth and give him water..as he was nearing the end the final words he said to me I will cherish forever…he struggled to get the words out because he was so weak but he said Amy, I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your birthday this year. I smiled through my tears and said that's alright daddy…he said my Amy, my Amy, my first born, my Amy, I love you more than you will ever know…I told him I DO know daddy….go home and be well I will see when I get home. Those were the last words he could speak to me before he died several hours later. The best part of those words weren't that those were words he said one time…those were words my mom and sisters and I had heard from him our entire lives…it was reiterating what we had already known and he just wanted to confirm it again before he passed from this life and entered into Heaven.

I miss him so much and I miss how our family was but isn't the same without him, I miss that my husband lost the only dad he ever had, I miss that my girls don't have a grandpa, I miss that my mom doesn't have her best friend. But through all this pain I know that without my faith in God and His strength I could never go through this pain without completely falling apart. God has held my hand through it and taught me things that I would only be able to learn by going through a deep valley He has brought a depth to me that I had never had before…it's 2 years later and we see the sun now but our lives have been forever changed and my experience I can only use to pour into other hurting and broken lives and share that the hope of Jesus is the only thing that will carry you through this imperfect life until you get to perfection and see Him face to face.