My request is simple to those of you unaffected by this personal type of grief...give those you know grieving, room. They really are overwhelmed and are not trying to hurt anyone else in their process of grief. Give them room to walk through this process and be understanding that their pain is not about you. Give them room & allow them to choose who they open up to and be alright if it's not you. It's truly not something they are doing to intentionally hurt you. They may share their pain with you, they may not. They may go inward. They may not. Grief looks different for every single person. They may instead find another who can relate to their indescribable pain more than you. That's alright, it's simply because they cannot even articulate (sometimes for years) their process of pain but rather just need someone who simply 'knows' what they are going through without explanation.
Do not take up offense in this time. Try to be understanding & selfless in your friendship during this long season. They may choose a friend who has gone through similar pain. They may not be able to carry your burdens or complaints during this time like they did before their loss. They want to...but emotionally cannot find that extra energy to do so.
Don't be offended if a friend can't handle your things for a season or can't open up to you during that time. It is not personal. I promise. They may not say sorry over and over again (nor should they have to say sorry for grieving or how they are doing it). They may forget to be present in your friendship during their grief because their grief was and is an overwhelming process that takes years to work through and more emotions than words can describe. Through that time friendships change. It's not fun but it is inevitable. Loss changes a person.
Please do not be offended or hold a grudge when someone who has lost a loved one changes (they honestly wish they did not have to go through this awful process & they are aware of how they have changed..it may take years to come to terms with all the ways they've changed but they do see it) so allow them that time to work through it all.
Don't be hurt if they are not capable of responding to you the way you need them to. Give them room. Their grief is all they can handle for that season. There might not be an apology because when a person grieves, the pain is so much to carry, a person often lets go of the trivial day to day things they were always able to keep up with only to cling to Jesus alone because they know it is Him alone that will carry them through it all. For anyone that has held an offense against someone who was grieving, your friend knows after many years go by who they have unintentionally hurt and it breaks their heart...however, grief was all they could handle at that time and your response to them shows your heart and the depth of your friendship or lack of depth your friendship has. That may determine the friendship going forward. Grief changes a person in a few hundred big ways and millions of little ways. Grief can be beyond their control.
Don't hold the death of a loved one against your friend...one day you, too, will be walking in their shoes and you will need a friend to sit quietly next to you and simply say 'I know' and not expect one single thing more from you. This is it this month for my deep philosophical status.
