We are now in late summer and it is flying by quick. That's just crazy! My oldest just started drivers ed & as we prepare for this next school year I'm still in denial that I am a parent of two junior highers and a high schooler. How does life go this incredibly and ridiculously fast? I know I sound old saying that...but really, time flies.
In honor of standing at the precipice of a new school year, I wanted to make a top 10 list of parenting lessons my husband and I have learned along the way. With the knowledge that every day we walk further into the world of teenager'dom', we realize we seriously do not have all the answers but here are a few of the tried and trues we are holding on to....are you ready?
1. Learn. The first thing I learned is that I had a lot to learn. I remember the first night we brought home, Emma, our oldest daughter and, as she laid there wide awake in my arms at 3am in the morning, (as if it were 3 o'clock in the afternoon instead). I remember whispering to her, Emma, I am so not equip for this whole parenting thing. How did I get myself into this? I seriously did not know what I was doing. Not a clue. Fourteen and three quarter years later, we still don't know everything but what we have learned is that we keep on learning. Learning each of their personalities. Learning how to be better parents. Learning how to grow as a family. We are still learning...often.
2. Time. We don't have a list of magical formulas that will answer every parenting question but what we do have are a couple of lessons learned. I've learned that each day is important. Each moment is important. Each opportunity spent with them is important. You can't get those moments back. So, seize every moment. The texts can wait. The calls can wait. So can the laundry, dishes, vaccum lines and dusting (it will all be there tomorrow anyway). The friends can wait (unless, of course, you're all together with the kids and can exchange some tears, laughs and coffee). All those things can wait. Time does not. Not for anyone. Take time to spend with each kid you have. You won't regret it....and neither will they.
3. Be present. We all know when someone we are talking to isn't listening. It's annoying and frustrating. Kids know that, too. They know when you are not present or engaged in a conversation. They know this from a very young age. My middle daughter when she was around 2 would put her sweet little hands one on each cheek of mine and say talk to my eyes, mama. She needed me present in her conversation. It was important to her. It still is. This is a lesson I have to remind myself often. I get caught up in the busy"ness" of the day & have to remind myself to stop & be present.
4. Listen. Ok, I guess that would be a no brainer if you are looking in their eyes as they are talking to you but seriously you can even zone out while you are looking straight at them. Let's be honest, we all have a billion and one things on our 'to do' list and our minds can race through everything that needs to be done but if you don't prove to them at a little age that you want to listen and communicate then they will eventually stop talking to you & find someone else to talk to. That can prove to be dangerous as they get into junior high. Because, even though listening to the "how Barbie has purple shoes on with her orange skirt and wants your opinion on that outfit" isn't that interesting at 3 years old, you can bet your life on the fact that at 13 you will want to be able to give your opinion about an outfit or two then...and they won't be Barbie's.
5. Ask questions. Keep asking questions. Engage and keep the lines open to asking & answering any and all questions. They will love that dialogue when they are 5 and 6 but not so much by the time they are 13 or 14. Keep asking them anyways. It shows them you are interested in their lives and what is going on. They may not say that they like it (and may actually even say they don't) but they do. It makes them feel secure. It makes them feel important. It makes them know you love them enough to ask them about their life.
6. Give your opinions. All. The. Time. You are the parent. Don't forget that. You pay the bills. You have the right to speak into their lives, provide direction, teach them boundries, show how consequences work. As I got older into my teens years, there were times I wanted to go do something I knew would be stupid or wrong and I swear I could hear my mom and dad's voice in my head giving their opinions. It stopped me from doing a lot of dumb stuff....more times than I can count.
7. Don't be afraid to hug your kids. Kiss their little faces from the time they are born til the time they leave for college and return again. There is never too much affection. Especially girls. I've written blogs about this before about daddy's and their daughters. Don't shy away from hugging your tween and teen daughter. If you are not giving a hug or a kiss on the forehead to show them proper affection, they will crave it. They will seek it and they will find it. And generally the boys that are willing to give attention and affection to your affection starved girl is not looking for just a hug or a kiss on the forehead. Dad's, your roll plays such a huge part in giving your daughter a healthy perspective on how she should be treated by a guy. What she receives (or doesn't receive) from you will dictate what she feels she deserves from other guys. You are important. Parents (of both sons and daughters), constantly reinforce to them that they have value and worth in God.
Teach them that their value isn't caught up in whether or not some guy or girl is paying attention to them that day. Or if they can get a boyfriend or girlfriend. Teach them that their true value and worth rests in the fact that they are a child of God made for a purpose to bring Him glory.
8. Laugh. Play games. Interact. Have fun. Make an environment where they can relax & have a blast. Not because you want to be their friends (remember you are the parent) but because you want an environment where they will want to bring their friends around. That's good. You want to see their friends and who they are hanging out with. You can speak into their lives better when you see who they are hanging around with. Don't turn a blind eye to the kind of friends they are hanging with. My dad used to say to my sisters and I...if you lie with the dogs you'll get flees. We had a pool so all the kids were always over. My parents got to see real quick the type of girls I was becoming friends with and they nicely gave their opinions about many of my them. Often. Until I could start choosing my friends wisely for myself. I have to be honest with this one though...that took a while. Be patient.
9. Stop complaining about everything. Really. Just stop. It's annoying and exhausting to hear moms complain and yell constantly. It's annoying to their spouses and kids, too. If you know this is something you struggle with, if you were honest with yourself, you're probably sick of your own voice complaining, too. Then you turn around and get mad at your kids for arguing, yelling and complaining. Where did they learn that from? Like the old adage goes if you don't have something nice to say then don't say anything at all. Seriously. Silence is golden and so much better than the broken record complaining about the same things year after year. It's old and your kids are watching and learning that habit, too. He who holds is tongue is wise so, hold it.
10. Don't gossip. Don't play the victim. Let it go & don't hold grudges. Forgive and show mercy. (I guess that's six topics in one). Teach them to be aware that so many people are going through things and sometimes react to their own situations and may unknowingly or sometimes knowingly hurt people in their process. Allow your kids to understand that most everything people or friends do is not to intentionally hurt them. My parents would tell us girls that the world does not revolve around us & most likely the things friends do is not to intentionally hurt me. Give people the benefit of the doubt. That lesson was invaluable. Don't teach your kids to hold a grudge. Forgive & give 2nd chances. Thank God, He doesn't give us only one opportunity to get it right. I would have been out of the game 41 years ago if that were the case. Obviously, use wisdom in friendships and steer clear of toxic relationships but if a good friend makes a mistake, forgive and accept them where they are at in the moment & teach your kids to be aware of where their friends are at in life, too. Turns out my parents were right…the world really doesn't revolve around me or you so let things go and know it's not about you. Sometimes there is a bigger picture going on.
11. Be real. Be honest and learn how to apologize. We all make mistakes and by humbly saying sorry to your kids it teaches them such a huge lesson. They will understand that nobody is perfect (parents included) and that it is okay to admit to not having it all together all the time. It gives them room to come to you when they make their own mistakes and gives you the opportunity to walk them through it in a Godly way instead of trying to hide it from you and figure out a different way out of a mistake.
12. Teach them about God by living it in your home when nobody but your family is watching. Teaching them doesn't mean sending them to youth group, Christian school or another great family you know. None of those things will teach them if they see hypocrisy at home. Live out your faith in plain site in front of them to learn from. I didn't say it will be perfect. It won't be...none of us are but they will see a sincere pursuit of who God is in your life and that will profoundly affect them (even if that doesn't seem to show for a while). All your rules for them without a relationship is futile if they don't see you living with the conviction you are telling them to have. Kids have a crazy way of just knowing if you are living what you profess to believe or not.
13. Be people of conviction and integrity. Kids know what that is and they see whether you have it or not. Don't cheat on things because you think nobody outside the home knows. The more important group is inside your home and they are watching and learning.
14. Love them. Love them. Love them. Tell them you love them often. Show them you love them daily. Simply said but profoundly impactful.
Ok, so I went over my limit, I gave you my 14 things on my list (maybe one for each year of our parenting) but this list is not all inclusive. We are still learning each day and there are so many other things I could add. Maybe I will another time. Happy parenting. Don't ever forget they are gifts that God gave you to raise. Don't ever take that responsibility too lightly. You are raising world changers!
Amy Elizabeth
Be Inspired
