Do you remember this song? Will you still call me superman (or woman to be more gender neutral). It was one of my favorites in the 90's (yes laugh...I have a billion favorites). My friend would play it on his guitar for me over and over (that one and as many goo goo dolls songs as I asked for :) We would sing out the lyrics as loud as we could. But one line always stood out for me above the rest
'You took for granted all the times, I never let you down'.
Those lines have been fixated in my head long before my friend and I were singing those words, long before I met my husband, long before I became an adult. It was a statement deep rooted into my childhood and who I was. I hated letting people down at any cost. Maybe a few of you can relate out there, so this blog is for you, maybe none of you can relate so this is the end of reading this blog, so instead go youtube Kryptonite and take a stroll thru the 90's...if not stay with me while I make a few points.
All summer long, for some reason, my girls keep referring to my "superhero power" as my ability to make friends in one single line. No matter where I go, I start talking and asking questions getting people to talk or just make conversation. It's actually become kinda funny every time we go somewhere and I finish a conversation with a stranger, I will look over at Emma and she starts laughing and says...Everywhere, mom? Everywhere. I smile and say yep, Emma, everywhere.
I think everyone has points in their lives where, who they are, become very clear to themselves. It has been that way for me for the last couple of years. I had never been a person who reflects much. I'm always moving forward, didn't dwell on the past or have many regrets. Which is a great way to live, but have realized since my dad passed away a couple of years ago, that sometimes it's alright to reflect, to process, to go deeper and heal. Sometimes, in order to move forward you have to take a moment to look back, learn from it and then press forward in full force. I get that now.
Here's the part where some may relate. I am to the extreme, a first born, text book "fixer". I have been teased by many as having a "bleeding heart" for those who may not care, need it or want it like a very close friend of mine growing up who everyone judged and gave up on but I kept praying for her and hoping that one day she would make the right decisions. Throughout life, I would do everything in my power to help a broken person. Even at the cost of my own things in life. I would try my hardest to "not let somebody down" I would be there, help, listen, be a friend to, try to fix, walk things through...do whatever for...fill in the blank. I am NOT saying this to present it as a good thing always. Hear my heart, I'm learning that it has often been the very thing that has gotten in my way, clouded my reality, caused me to make not the best choices. I am learning that with a heart for people there should always be a line that God alone delineates. Otherwise you can be down a road trying so hard to fix something that you wake up to realize it wasn't a burden that was yours to carry or fix.
I began to look back over my life and see that this 'trait' was a God-given gift when used correctly and submitted to God's leading. Like with all personality traits there is a good and bad side to it. When used for God's glory it is awesome thing but without God it could be destructive. When I have allowed God's leading this was something God has used in my friendships and acquaintances in life.
When my dad got sick, there was never a more extreme time of trying to "fix" then that time. To no avail..there wasn't a fix. After he died, I did everything I could to help, to fix, to mend my family and make everything as alright as I could. After years of my sister saying you can't fix everything, Amy, I took a step back and began to evaluate my life. So, many people in my life had told me that exact phrase throughout my life. I've been told at times, to just not say anything, walk away from situations, separate yourself, don't worry about people and or situations. Easier said then done. But I have learned a few life lessons from who I am and who other people are.
A friend was over last week, she isn't a super close friend (you know how you have tiers of friendships, like super close, close and casual...maybe that's just me and my weird thinking just like how I feel like there are truly leagues in dating and marriage which Jim thinks is a proposterous way of thinking...but I know there is truth to it otherwise how would an ugly guy get a cute girl if they don't fit in each others leagues...simple, a personality or humor has to bump them into their league! Anyways, I'm digressing and Jim doesn't subscribe to this line of thinking! But it IS truth!) Anyways, she was over and was asking me a few questions about my summer. She started to speak into my life like very few ever have. She said people quote that scripture to me all the time about 'when words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds is tongue is wise' (I said yes, that has been spoken to me more times than I can count) she said Amy you are a talker and the Bible has much to say about that too....there are apostles, evangelists, prophets, teachers, and ENCOURAGERS and they all use words....lots of words! For those of us that use words, with God's wisdom, words can bring life, encouragement and help to situations! Words are a gift from God when they are God given.
Here's where the line is though. Insert your for my when it is applicable....My desire to "fix" is alright. My "bleeding heart" is alright. My desire to help and speak into a situation is alright. My desire to change the world and make a difference in lives is alright, too. But, and listen to this part which is the most important part, we all have good works God has prepared in advance for us to do, right? But the where and to who is different for all of us. We all have different lives God has intended for us to make a difference in and speak into. That is where the wisdom of holding your tongue comes in...knowing and listening to who and where God calls you to. I can do my part to help, fix, change, listen, talk but I am human. I will let you down. I will not have all the answers. I will not have all the fixes. I will not have a big enough heart to heal anybody. My ability to make friendships is great but, anything done in my own power is mere human...not superhuman. There is only ONE who is supernatural and can take my human attempts and breath life into any and all situations like no other. His name is Jesus. I can offer the solution, the answer but I can't fix or heal anybody's heart. He alone knows whose life I am suppose to walk along side, speak into, help, pray for...on and on and on..and when I listen to Him He leads. I know that isn't a revelation for most...but for me it is simple but true. It is God alone who heals, fixes and binds up the brokenhearted. He is the true first born fixer.
This summer I have realized that God has given me my personality for such a time as this and I have such a renewed sense of passion to reach the lost, change the world, help those who are hurting and use what God has given me but all the while knowing that it is God alone who sees the big picture and I am simply playing a part over here in Macomb (or wherever we are headed to next). Such a relief for a text book "fixer" to know that the end result doesn't rest on me and how I perform....it begins and ends with God's grace and mercy on His creation.
So, to all my text book "fixer's" and talkers out there. Allow God to use your words to speak life into situations all around you, allow Him to lead you to those who are hurting but do not take on the responsibility of bringing their pain to complete healing....take their pain and lead them to Jesus and allow Him to fix and heal...you are simply a mouthpiece for God to work through to bring glory to Himself!
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Much love,
Amy
