You're alright...I'm alright...God's got it!

So, today I sit here at my computer with so many thoughts racing through my mind...nothing new for me really...but today's thoughts are a little different. My dad always used to tease me that I was the daughter that gave him gray hair. I would always laugh and tell him he was exaggerating because I wasn't that bad! Sure, at times I was a little driven or extreme..at times a little strong willed or opinionated. I just defined it a little different...I would say I am just passionate and focused dad that's all! None the less, he would laugh and just shake his head at me! After all I was most like him. My sister Sara is more the Mary type and I am Martha. I never have done well at sitting or waiting and letting things work themselves out. Sara my sister is sooo much better at that than I am...I always have to be moving and fixing something always trying to make things right...even if there wasn't an answer I tried to find one. I often have thought of myself as the one who had more questions than answers. I always thought because of my more outspoken nature I should be quieter like my mom and sister because it would be a lot easier...I probably wouldn't put my foot in my mouth so much!

Since my dads death 18 months ago I've done a ton of deep soul searching...really trying to define my life to see how something good come from his death. That's a hard concept I know to think about, but I truly believe it can happen...that God can and does bring something good out of a death. In my family I had an amazing mom and dad and I am the oldest of 3 girls and we always were so aware of who we were and our place in the family. I was the oldest who always wanted to be "on" always the talker and always wanted to be in front of everyone making them laugh, Lisa was our middle sister, the heart of our family with her disability that taught us so much more about life and compassion than any text book could ever teach and then there was Sara, a self proclaimed princess who always was more mature, more maternal, more patient than myself. In my mind I always knew Sara was like mom, I was like dad and lisa was a combination.

My mom decided a couple of months ago she wanted to sell the dream house her and my dad had built only a few years ago mainly because on the last day of his life his request was to be brought home to pass away in his own bed. My mom never really wanted to be back in that room again so in a matter of 1 month after listing it and one walk through she sold it. Totally a God ordained sale in this economy! But over the course of this last month...really 18 months I have been so aware of how I grieve and deal with all the stress that comes with this compared to how my mom and sisters do it. Friday was the closing...all the hoops we've had to jump through to get to it was ridiculous but still I sit here on the other side of yet. After all was said and done I realized this week leading up to Friday and even this weekend as we approach the closing for her new house that it's alright to have some questions and that my personality wasn't the wrong personality...it is just different from my mom and sisters. Her house still sold despite who I am or who my mom and sisters are...God is still God and can work in any situation at all times if we allow him! I so many times in the last 2 years of my life have just had to let go and not worry about the path or outcome but just trust that God has got every detail of my life already set and He created me and my mom and sisters all very different because He will use us all in different ways in different areas..such an easier way of living life...so freeing!