Endurance

This year has been arguably the most complex year of my life. It has been a year of extremes. Celebrating my girls and all their accomplishments, excited about them all being in high school together at the same time (a year we have talked about since Maya was born), my business exploding to the point I had to begin to turn down work because I wanted to stay balanced and present in these final years of my girls at home in school still, and a marriage of almost 20 years and the pride of weathering more storms than we could count and coming out stronger each time.

The other extreme though was this has been one the most difficult years of my life as the reality of the second year without Grace has beaten me into the ground more times than I care to admit. Trying to wrap my head around her being gone and the aftermath of that loss is something I grapple with daily. It is setting in in the most intense and real way while overlapping my mom in law dying in the late stages of Alzheimer's with no real clear understanding of how long this pain staking journey lasts for. It's watching my husband be the main care taker of her in this disease as it ravages her brain and steals her from us mentally while leaving her body still with us.

It's the year of extremes. Guilt and joy, anger and forgiveness, holding on to memories and letting go of those things that would hold me back. It's been the year where I have second guessed myself most. I have known what it felt like to sink and not catch my breath. I have understood peace when it didn't make sense. I have understood what it felt like to be misunderstood. To not be known. To be known. To be guarded. To be vulnerable. I've learned that I don't hate alcohol because of Christianity but hate it because of the industry and what it steals from families. I've learned about relationships and expectations. I've learned more about the Church. I've learned again the power of worship versus performance and what both can offer and take away. I've learned how to give up and how to get up and keep going. I've felt hopelessness, I've known hope, I've heard pain in voices, seen emptiness in eyes and felt strength in the middle of darkness. I've had moments when a myriad of emotions all co existed when "happy" events were taking place. I've felt the shame of trying to be happy yet feeling empty in the midst of an event for more reasons than I could articulate. But one theme has remained constant in my mind in this season. Endurance.

We live in an instant culture. In an age of apps. In a world where if we want a table in a restaurant we go on an app so we don't have to wait in line, if we need a license renewed with go online to get our number so we can walk in and not wait. Groceries? Click, pull up and they load it in (I do love that one ;). We want to talk without being talked to, we instantly snap, say what we want and leave it. We drive up and quickly drive through every part of our lives. We want things done instantly. My clients do this all the time. They ask can this whole job be done in two weeks. I smile and cautiously explain that big results are a process and take time to get. Yet, everything in this culture is expected to be accomplished quickly. But then something happens in our lives where we can't click an app and get it done or go through it immediately. We panic in this culture when we can't go through something quick enough. We get very uncomfortable with those around us who are taking too much time to process through anything really because it blatantly reminds us that there are still things in this life that can't be rushed or accomplished instantly.

The reality of the Gospel isn't how fast we run the race and get through each leg. The Gospel speaks more into how we run this race. God speaks more about the endurance then swiftness. More about the heart then the accomplishments. In this culture, we hate that idea though of taking time to go through something. We don't like endurance. It isn't enjoyable. It isn't, well...instant. What does the word endurance even mean?

Endurance:  to hold up under pressure, to power through and endure in unpleasant or difficult times and situations, the ability or strength to continue or last especially despite fatigue, stress or other adverse conditions; stamina

That does not sound pleasant or something we want to sign up for, right? Yet, it is the very thing our faith is built the most from. It's the very place where we are pressed to see what and who we really believe in. Endurance is what builds character (and hope) most in us yet it's the thing we try to brush off and not do. We want a quick fix instead and the Word of God says no. You can't build character quickly. You can't learn how to perservere and hold on unless you know how to endure. And so our circumstances, if we let them, will be our teacher

The Scripture I have used most this year is this:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12: 1-3

I have grabbed onto a few facts from this life giving verse that have helped in my darkest moments this year:

• Jesus saw the joy set before him. He knew that that was past what He had to endure and so He endured the cross. I think that has been my key this year to not fully giving up and throwing in the towel and saying that's it...I quit, I'd like to trade in my life for somebody's much easier life. There is something that is past the enduring a difficult season part of our lives. There is a hope and a joy to hold onto. Something to look to. Someone to hold on to

• There are a huge amount of people (witnesses) surrounding us and cheering us on (I can hear my dad and Grace cheering)

• It's alright (and necessary at times) to throw off the things that weigh us down when we are in this mode of enduring through intense times. And that doesn't mean sin stuff (that's the second part of that sentence) that means maybe some of the stuff that is just hindering or pulling us down. Sometimes we just need to focus on enduring and not on a bunch of other stuff that may not have eternal value

• And run. Running is a process. It takes more time and effort than just clicking an app and immediately getting through it with immediate results. We know we are running towards something. We have the joy of knowing we are running towards our eternity with Him. Our eternity with those people in that great cloud of witnesses.

• And that, when we focus and keep our eyes on who Jesus is and what He went through, that gives us hope that we, too, can endure this life no matter what it looks like or what it throws at us

The First5 app, has been doing a study on the book of Job. I cannot even begin to tell you how much it has helped me this month in understanding what it looks like to endure and what God does in the middle of it.  That even when Job is mad, depressed, at the point of giving up...he doesn't. He holds on and endures through all that is thrown at him. He at the end realizes God is bigger than all his pain and heartache but more importantly, God is with him. He is close and He cares. That is profound. He is enduring the worst types of hardship but God never left his side. God listened. He was present.

I'm learning. I'm accepting that this leg of my race isn't instant app worthy. I can't click and get through it quickly. I can't order endurance and pick it up in an hour and be done with this part of the journey. But I can, through this, learn what it means to focus on the joy ahead of me. I can learn that when I fix my eyes on Jesus, I am strengthened by the fact that He won't leave my side.

Maybe, I can encourage a few people along the way, that it's alright in this culture to still understand what it means to hold on unswervingly to our faith despite our circumstances. Maybe I can learn and in turn, help others learn too what it means to endure in a culture that wants immediate results. What it means to not give up hope no matter how dark our night gets or how long it takes. My focus is growing closer to God in the midst of this all and hearing His voice as I learn how to endure.

And who knows, maybe even one day He will even bring purpose from this leg of the race. I heard He does things like that