Well, I've had a scare these past couple of weeks with my youngest having pneumonia with a fever for 8 days straight and touch and go as to whether we had to take her to the hospital. So, I know, I know lots of kids get pneumonia and get over it but it's a little different for me. I've always hoped and prayed that my girls would never have any breathing type problems. When I was 8 like Maya, I too had pneumonia but it was much worse...I had double pneumonia with a 105 fever they couldn't get down I had to be put in an oxygen tent and tons of blood work..I remember every detail of that traumatic week..my parents around my hospital bed crying...drs putting my listless little body in a tub of ice to break my dangerously high fever..it worked and I survived it but it started a life of breathing problems for me. Everything from allergies, pneumonia, bronchitis as a kid and now adult asthma.
I remember as I toured in my early 20's for the whole year I was on the road I had this crazy inflammation of my lungs...it was painful and most of the time caused difficulty breathing much less singing. Yet, God, in His love and mercy, every single time I would get up to sing my lungs were filled with breath and I could get through our 2 hour concert 5 or 6 times a week for a year despite my inability to breathe correctly for the rest of the day.
So, that experience at 8 yrs old shook me up and I've always hated how I've loved singing but had this problem breathing...the irony right? Or just God using something despite looking like a rather impossible thing to do and showing His glory through it.
But I never wanted this for any of my girls! God has a funny way of bringing your life full circle for a very good reason though. When Maya was so sick I was beside myself so when I took her in and the dr. told me it was pneumonia I literally put my hands on my face and started shaking my head no with tears in my eyes. I didn't want this same kind of traumatic experience for my daughter..she was given antibiotics and it took days for her fever to go down..but we didn't need to go to the hospital..I had every person I knew praying for her!
During the week, one of my dearest friends text me and told me to just cry out to God for her healing...I thought the last time I cried out like that it didn't go so well for me and so I told her I was so scared something was going to happen to her...my friend said yes I know why you are scared but trust God with her anyways...do you know how hard it is for a mom to trust anyone with her child?!! I knew she was right though.
Life had come full circle for a couple of things really...my childhood pneumonia experience (well I'm here to write about it so it worked out) that produced a deep buried fear of that sickness and now learning how to trust God with my daughter's health and well being as she had the same thing. But even bigger than that, I have learned in the last few years that life doesn't always go as planned..that all my prayers are not always going to be answered the way I want them too. My girlfriend, mother of 5, died a few years ago from breast cancer and we cried out..my dad died a couple of yrs ago and I cried out...my baby was sick and I cried out...and GOD met me there to teach me that His character is always good no matter the outcome of our circumstances..trust, Trust, TRUST..such a difficult thing for me. I think I've got it and then I run ahead and want to do it myself. He stops me and speaks to me that He loves me and loves my girls more than I love them (not sure how that's possible) so I must trust He has their lives all planned out and plans to prosper them not to harm them. So, as I stood at my kitchen sink and washed my dishes I looked out and just prayed for my life, my husband and my girls lives and told God I trusted Him..washing dishes is often where God speaks the most to me..it's often the only time I'm standing in one place long enough to listen to Him speak words of hope to me.
My other girlfriend text me and said Amy you need to praise Him through this which was so true and familiar in difficult times.....after my dad died my times of worship were literally the only times when my pain was somewhat tolearable...for me it 's the time I can get lost in just looking to Him for the answers I think I have but really dont...it's when he speaks to me...it's when I feel the closest to Him. So, when people in churches all across this country (and I've been to hundreds of them when I traveled) stand there and stare at the worship team instead of entering in, it is absolutely perplexing...I want to scream out people this is your time to get alone with God and tell Him your heart..it's your time to chase after His heart and to be close to Him to hear His voice..worship (well beyond Sunday morning) is the time where God can breath life into your weary soul, into your brokeness, into your mistrust and bring His hope, peace and answers only He can tell you.
So, this week I learned (again) I have to lay down my fear and mistrust and know God's plans are bigger than mine and are bigger for my girls than I know and that I can trust Him with my girls for "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11 and no matter valley or mountain I will praise you God because you are my strength!
And Maya is doing great...laughing and playing..almost completely through her pneumonia and I have decided to keep her home and homeschool her so she can't get anymore germs...just kidding! (but seriously the thought went through my mind and God said no... and so did Jim!)
