Good grief - A tale from the other side

As I sat last night watching the news, the pictures of the 3 people who lost their lives in the Boston Marathon Bombing were flashed up on the screen.  The reporter moved quickly through the story of each name, age and life that was lost.  They moved on to another part of the Boston Marathon bombing story.

I was left though with the pictures in my mind of that sweet 8 year old boy, a 29 year old young lady and a college student from China I think it was.  What hit me wasn't the tragedy (albeit the horror of a senseless crime of evil is beyond description and is indescribable violence) instead what stuck with me was the pain and long long long journey of grief each of these families will be left to walk through and each and every stage, I am all too familiar with, will be left for them to navigate through.  My heart breaks for those families left with the emptiness and brokenness and intense almost physical pain their hearts will carry for a very long time to come.

Every person does grief differently you are told right after a loved one dies.  Usually at the funeral of your loved one is where the advice starts.  Quite honestly you are in such a cloud that really nobody's words matter you are in complete shock with the horror of seeing your loved ones lifeless body in a box up front for all to walk past and talk in front of like it was a Sunday afternoon tea party.  

A friend of mine text me a blog yesterday night as I was watching these lives lost on the news.  I stopped watching and read the blog.  It was about life journey's that we all travel.  The writer of the blog wrote a series of horrible and difficult events she went through and described each immensely difficult stage and then with each stage she learned a new characteristic of who God was to her in her life.  Through cancer He was her peace, through a broken heart from a love He was something else to her and when she was called to a different state for ministry He was something else to her and in every one of those extremely difficult places she knew God was with her and He was going to bring life from the pain she went through...all of this was sad but then she got to the end and began to explain that the last 6 months of her life had been the darkest most difficult times in her entire life and there in her own words she said 6 months ago I lost my dad and this is the darkest place I have ever been in.  I put my ipad down and began to cry...the ugly cry...you know the kind where you can't breath because it hurts so bad to read someone elses pain that describes your own journey.  She described her dad as awesome and that the void in their family was beyond description.  I could relate....I can relate.

Each of us has a life story.  The ups and downs of pain and trials.  Each person in my life would try to relate to me right after my dad died, while I was watching a completely broken widow, with stories of their pain of loss in divorce, disease, the woes of foster parenting,  moves to other jobs & states, loss of their social network....on and on people would share with me the pain of their own stories of loss (perhaps to try and relate to me because I had emotionally checked out of most of my relationships & they were trying to find common ground to connect again). I always wanted to be cognisant of each of their feelings and personal loss.  I would feel their pain with each story but with each time my heart broke for them, my thoughts would softly whisper yes, but your person or pain or trial is still on this planet.  I would never breath that out loud for fear of hurting or offending somebody.  

You see, all loss in life is real and almost tangible....it rocks us to our core and breaks us into a million different pieces and God finds us in the midst of our brokenness and walks us through healing, I get that, I've experienced other losses.  But there written in text of this women's story with every step and every horrible broken part of her journey God met her, showed Himself to her and walked her through but when she came to the loss of her daddy her description of it was 'the very deepest valley and darkest time and trial of her entire life'.  Yes, I get that but could not articulate that to most.  She wrote that and by her doing that freed me up from feeling condemned for thinking this loss was the worst I had experienced in life. 

I have intensely struggled for the last 3 years since my dad went home to be with Jesus with trying to explain my feelings to those still on the happy side of the grief having never experienced the sting of a death...to no avail...their was not a description strong enough with words to say how bad my heart had been broken.  When 6 months, 1 year, 2 years 3 year markers came and went often those without experiencing loss would look at me as if I should be past this by now.  This woman unknowingly gave me permission to reflect on the big losses in my own life and allowed me to "rate" them, too, if you will.

My heart broke when I had a broken engagement to a studying pastor on the east coast when nothing made sense as to why I felt so strong to not marry this man that seemed perfect for my world (thank God I didn't. I needed Jim in my life and God knew that).  My heart broke when a man in my 20's did something without my permission.  My heart broke again when I had my 3rd baby and my c-section went wrong and there I sat paralyzed from the waste down with no medical definition.  In each of those situations I found Jesus to consistently be my source of help, strength, comfort, life and healing....but all of those events pale in comparison to the loss of my dad, my own personal support system....my cheerleader and my biggest fan.  The pain and brokenness was the single most darkest deepest event of my entire life!

But what I, too, have learned is that there is life at the end of pain....there is purpose through the most painful of journeys.  I had a friend that has known me forever ask me why would I start Inspire, did I even ask God if I was suppose to do this because this is taking up a lot of my time.  I sat there and thought, I didn't need to ask God if I was suppose to do this....I knew God was going to do this with my life.  She still hasn't personally experienced the pain from a death that catapults you into a different way of viewing life and God...I needed to start this.  I knew that I wanted to share with other women that God walks us through each life event of pain and brings purpose and hope to your life during and after the intensity of a dark season lifts and you are left with this peace and purpose like no other time in your life to bring Him glory and honor. 

Really, isn't that what we are all here to do anyways?  It just takes some of us a jarring life event to show us the reality of our purpose that comes through the "gift" of pain.....a perspective you can only have from this side of any kind of loss.

My heart and prayers go out to all the families affected by the Boston marathon bombing who are experiencing intense grief, loss, pain and heartbreak....may they too, after a very long road, experience that joy does come in the morning....you just will now forever view life from a different side. I pray that God would make His peace so real to these families in this journey that changes your life forever.

What a man wants

I've been married to probably the coolest guy I know for almost 15 years now and we've been together for 16 years and I've learned a few things about guys.

I will not pretend to understand them completely just as they could never dream of completely understanding us ladies…and that's why great girlfriends are a must have in our lives.  Other girls get our brains and emotions.  I think of 3 girlfriends in my life that I am most thankful for….just for the plain fact that in this last week of my life I've talked with each of them and they understand where I am, where I've been and where I'm headed to! I am so grateful for them when my husband looks at me with his head tilted and says huh?

But most of the time, he gets me, understands me and loves me despite my crazy personality!  Marriage and every relationship takes intentional decisions to stay connected so here it goes….what do guys really want from us girls?  Dinner on the table, clean underwear in their drawer (not in a laundry basket in the corner of the room not folded…don't judge, we've all left the clean basket unfolded longer than we were suppose to), a nicely kept home and perfect abs and great lingerie? Nope, not it, unless your guy is superficial and doesn't care about the deeper stuff! All that stuff is great, but let's be honest ladies….life throws us curve balls and so keeping up with all that stuff, plus kids and holding down a job or career and carting everyone everywhere keeps us treading water and sometimes plain ole makes you feel like we are drowning in an endless supply of chores and to do lists….

All that stuff is the superficial stuff…the mechanics and tedious details of life.  What a guy needs more than anything in this world is your unconditional love and support.  Different guys receive that differently than other guys but at the end of the day the concept is the same no matter how you deliver it.

A guys wants to know you are supporting him 100%.

He needs to know you believe in him and what he is called to do.

He needs you to build him up….not tear him down.  Nagging will only shut him down and you will not get anything from him!  Even if he does do what you are asking him to do, eventually he will resent being told what to do by you!

He wants a girl who is confident and not needy….guys want to know you are strong and you can do it…it is so unappealing to be the weak damsel in distress gal.  He may want that at the beginning but clingy and drama get old after a while and tears up a relationship.

He sometimes wants your undivided attention and time!  Put down what you are doing, tell the kids to run and play (they can entertain themselves) and pay attention to what he is saying to you! Support his dreams and his vision….share with him your dreams and vision….God will connect you both through sharing more than just your list of stuff to do that day…share your heart and listen to his.  Now he will never ever word it like that. "Honey, listen to my heart" probably won't come out of any straight guys mouth but read between the lines when he is sharing with you what he hopes to accomplish in life and then encourage him to do it!  Find something you guys have in common and then do that too!

I remember when my husband called me up to tell me he was quitting his very lucrative job of 13 years to start his own business 5 years ago….He called me up one morning and said today is the day I quit! I said alright let's do this!  It was not pretty because we were baaarrroooookeee for the first couple of years he started but the joy of watching my husband live out his life long dream was all I needed to see! SUPPORT is worth everything!

Be faithful to him….don't sleep with another guy is obviously a no brainer but I'm talking about your actions and body language with other guys, guard yourself and bring honor to your husband by not flirting with somebody else's guy….it's gross and no other girl wants you to be around their husband.  Save the cute and bouncy for your husband alone!

Be to him what you want him to be to you.  Choose to speak words of life into him.  Heck, choose to speak words of life into every person you meet and know! It is life changing when you speak words of life into your marriage and everyone around you.  It is a choice but so worth it and the return on that investment is priceless!

Laugh with him often and don't take life too seriously.

That's all my advice for today….love the mess out of your husband and watch your marriage grow and who knows….you might not even end up needing those close girl friends in your life to share all your thoughts with, well, don't get crazy…you'll need them too….us girls are a lot to handle and need a few people to walk it all out with!

Spend time with your husband today, pour into him words of life, don't tear him down but rather believe in him and watch how cool your marriage will turn out!