Oh, the month of May!

I remember being a teenager always looking forward to the busy month of May because I thought it was fun....well, now as I have become a mom my excitement for this busy month has waned.  I sat at my island last night staring at my schedule wondering how in the world I am going to complete everything on my to do list....tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at Jim and told him there was no way I was going to be able to get it all done!  


This weekend was back to back events that I had no way out of...in fact, in an effort to get Brooke to not go to a Sunday afternoon bday party in Port Huron I tried to bribe her with $20 and she said no so I said $50? How about $50 to stay home so I could study for my mid term this week.  Emma jumped at the chance and said take it...I quickly realized I was being irrational and said $50 was to much....but how about $20?  You're laughing, I know, bad parenting at its finest, right? She didn't take it and yes I was desperate! I know I could have just told her no but all her friends were there and she really wanted to go and very rarely will beg me for anything so I knew she really wanted to be there.


So, as we went from event to event...birthday party to play practice to a field trip to my physical therapy...I kept thinking how am I going to study for this mid term....well I finally got time to study by Tuesday morning only to get the test back yesterday and got a 69% on it...69%!!!  I have never in all of my life gotten that bad of a grade! So, last night I panicked and told Jim what if I can't pass this class...what if I can't get my degree...what if...what if...what if? I have a 50 page (not exaggerating) business plan and floor plan that is due in 4 weeks.  Then I sat there as he was just looking at me and I was reminded that for months he was telling me to pull out of a couple of things that were time consuming because he knew these spring months were going to be crazy!  I kept telling him no and that he was wrong and kept getting mad at him...until I had to check my heart and realize he wasn't telling me to slow down and focus my attention on a few things (instead of 100 different things) because he didn't want to see me doing something I enjoyed but rather he saw what was up ahead (the stress of a crazy month) and was saving me the heartache of being completely overwhelmed (instead minimally overwhelmed, which is where I am today).  


So, I am so glad I listened to him so I can now focus on this semester (because clearly I need to...business law isn't my strong suit apparently! lol), Emma's play, and the next 5 weeks of our chaotic schedule!  So, Jim you were right!  I tend to drive myself so hard and say yes to everything until I hit a brick wall and can't go any further! He uses a little more wisdom and tries to stop me before I hit a wall....he is much better at pacing himself then I am!!  Instead I just get mad at him and tell him I can do it all....when in all reality I needed to check my heart and realize (now) that he knew what he was talking about....and has seen me in this cycle before and loved me enough to say something (even though I'm kind of stubborn and it took a couple of months before I listened).  Sometimes, I tend to be a little myopic in effort to check things off my to do list!


So, I'm sure I will pass the class, I just can't talk to anybody for the next 5 weeks....so please don't be offended when I don't return calls, texts, emails (you laugh, but it happened last week when somebody was offended when I didn't call back).  I sometimes feel like I'm not doing enough if I can't accomplish it all but my life's lesson is that I'm not super woman and that it's alright if I can't do it all.  There is not some nefarious reason as to why I pull back....just the reality that I simply cannot accomplish all that I've placed on my plate and that I need to prioritize correctly according to my husband and family.  Still learning that....I think I can conquer the world when really all I'm asked to do is love my husband and girls the best way I know how and let everyone else worry about all the other stuff....and maybe, from time to time, admit that my husband knows what he's talking about.... ;) I love you James for loving me in my extreme times!  And, with all that being said...I'm off to write an exciting 50 page business plan....

Your life's impact!

I love when God brings something full circle in my life! Because I am so relational by nature, He always uses people and relationships in my life to speak to me through.  Today was no exception...in fact it blew my mind how personal the God of the universe is to me and how absolutely, ridiculously involved He is in my life (and yours if you let Him)!

A while back my husband and I were invited to visit our long time friends church just because they wanted us to come see their church and and give our perspective on it so we agreed to visit for the morning but never expected what personal gift God had in store for me.  As we were driving there, we were running late and quite honestly I just wasn't feeling it...we almost turned around and just went to our church....but something inside me said I needed to go....I thought it was for my friend but I was wrong! 

This was a huge church and lots of people everywhere, the foyer was packed and people were bumping into us.  We recognized somebody we used to know so he ran up to us, hugged us and caught up a bit with us and I asked where do my kids go for children's church?  He walked us over to the kiosk and said take good care of these people they are dear friends of mine (this wasn't the friend we were visiting...but a different friend but if you know me for a half a second you know that I love people and make it my life's goal to meet and befriend as many people as humanly possible in this life so I run into people I know everywhere!! ;)  Anyways, the woman who did the check in asked if we  were visitors and I said yes we are and as the last word in that sentence was complete I heard a voice to my left that asked a simple question of me.... "Are you sure you are a visitor" I turned my head to see this woman standing next to me smiling ear to ear.  Slightly startled by the question, I looked at her and didn't recognize her but said said, um yes I am a visitor and she interrupted me and said Amy Pochodaj it's me (yes, that is my crazy maiden name....so clearly this was someone from long in my past) so she said her name with tears in her eyes.  Are you sitting at the edge of your seat?? I had you from my first line didn't I? As she said her name, my eyes welled up with tears at who my eyes were looking at.  

You see I went to a public school, my parents had gotten saved when I was around 9 and there was no Christian school around so I was the kid who's parents got radically (and I mean radically saved...the no Santa Claus, no Halloween, no Easter bunny....Keith Green kind of saved) so naturally I followed suit and talked to everyone in my public school about Jesus.  I was never afraid of it but always had a heart for evangelism and God knows a public school is a ripe harvest!  So, everyone I could tell about God I would and I never pushed it on anyone but was outgoing and friendly enough to have people listen.  Well, this one girl I had talked to about God often wasn't a Christian in school but 20 years later she visited my mom and dad's church and she went up to the alter to give her life to God and as my mom knelt down to pray with her she looked up and said, you are Amy Pochodaj's mom aren't you...she said yes and after me planting a seed in heart 20 years earlier God had my mom lead her to the Lord!!  How cool is that!?! I love when God does crazy things like that!! Well, my mom never saw her again (that was several years ago). I hadn't seen her since our graduation day....until today! 

She looked at me and I was speechless because I knew the whole story of how God used me and then my mom in her life!  I just said...uh...you...uh my mom prayed...uh! I'm sure I sounded like an idiot but I was so humbled by how God did this!  And that I got to see it all come to fruition! She hugged me and said, I'm here, Amy, and I'm serving here at this church and I'm alright (she had not been alright from what I remembered but God totally had changed her life and has given her a hope!) She told me her kids come there but her husband doesn't and I said...yet...he doesn't come yet, but we will just keep praying! It took my dad a couple years after my mom to come to church!  It took everything in me to not full out start crying there at the kiosk with her in amazement!! I sat down in the service and just began to cry at how intricately involved in our lives God is!  And how much He loves people and loves relationships with people!  It is His joy to show Himself to be so real in our walks with Him!  And today at exactly 10:00am He wanted me to know He loved me and showed me the fruit of something I had sown into 22+ years earlier!  You never know how your life will impact somebody elses!  If God is asking you to speak to someone, don't hesitate!  He knows the big picture and you may never see how it turns out but God does and their eternity is weighing in the balance!  Your words may impact a person in ways you never may understand but God understands what somebody needs to hear and when they need to hear it....He may be asking you to speak into their life.  Don't get discouraged if you can't see a response right away...you have no idea how God may bring it back around full circle 20 years later! God's idea of time is so different than ours is.

God truly orders our every step!  Follow Him with your whole heart and He will direct your path and all your steps!  Let Him show Himself faithful to you because He will and He will blow your mind with how involved He is every step of your life!  Be encouraged....He knows exactly where you are and where He wants you to go...just keep walking and asking for His direction!

The heart of the matter….

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

Do you even know how many times the Bible speaks about your heart? Over 1200 times in the NIV! That's a lot of time God spends in His Word talking about a man's (or woman's) heart! It is clearly an important topic to him….but it's more than a topic, our heart, determines how we live our lives, who we live our lives around, and who we live our lives for!

I’ve stood on a stage pretty much my entire life for one reason or another...but as I stood on a stage about a month ago ready to do one of my favorite songs (insert laugh from Shelly ;) You Are For Me, truly has a ridiculous amount of meaning in my life these past couple of years. Anyways, as I stood there and we were waiting to start it, music playing in the back round, I looked up through the windows (slightly discouraged, as I have been for sometime now about a couple of things..only a couple because I’m mostly an eternal optimist which is why my husband & sister cannot stand this place I’ve been in for a while on a few topics) and I looked up towards the sky, I said a simple statement under my breath...God this isn’t the best voice but it’s all I have and I give it to you (pathetic, I know, but where I was at in that moment)

...a simple one line response is what I heard back clearly...yes, but it’s not your voice I want it’s your heart I’m after.

Simple line but so true in every area of our lives isn’t it? I can compete or compare (please, we all do it to varying degrees) my life to others around us and how I may or may not come up short but at the end of the day (or beginning if you’re a morning person ;) it comes down to my heart (your heart) and why we do the things we do....what’s our motivation? Is it bringing glory to God…no matter what it is?! Or does it bring glory to ourselves (secretly of course because nobody would admit that they want that out loud)? Doesn’t really matter what somebody else’s job, talent, gift, calling or whatever you want to call it is. All that matters is that I (you) are doing what God created you to do! That may take some time to figure out or it may change mid stream on you like I believe it has for me...but none the less whatever it is you are meant to do, do it with all your heart and do it for God not to please people, not out of pride because you think you are great, not because of false humility and think you are not great...just do it! (great tag line, eh, can you tell I’m a wife of an Ad guy?)

With that all being said, I am way into figuring out people…always have been. I love to see what makes people do the things they do. I learned very early on that people's actions don't always give the full story, so my whole life I've loved to go past people's personas and see what's in their hearts. Sometimes, it's heavy and deep stuff and sometimes it's lighthearted and fun, but none the less I love to listen to everybody's journeys. At times, I have hated that about myself (because sometimes it hurts to know peoples pain) but most of the time I love learning about somebody. My family often tease me about the fact that I could be in an elevator on the first floor and by the top floor I've gotten to know some or all of the people in the elevator and many times a deep painful story from a stranger. People just need somebody to listen…not always give answers but sometimes just a sounding board.

Because of this “talent or whatever you call it” I was told over and over again my entire life to guard my heart because it is the wellspring of life. It took me years and I mean years (actually still learning) of opening my heart to people only to find out that even though I listen to people's pain and journey's, I still have to guard my own heart from being hurt or connected to much to someone or something because God knows what isn't beneficial to my walk or simply isn't a place I'm suppose to be because I have my heart set on something I want and not what God wants. Now looking back that's probably why my parents told me (and maybe not my sisters as much) to guard my heart. It’s why God chooses to speak about our heart so often....it is the connection to our soul and to our walk with God! What our heart is set on will determine our steps in life...so as we set our hearts on Him, we will follow Him closely and listen to His voice and leading and not to anything else. When it is set on other things we will follow those things instead of God...even if they seem like God things! That’s why He’s after our hearts and speaks so many times about our hearts because when He has our heart the rest of our lives follow! Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Col 3:2

This song says it perfectly….

Friends with history

With so many changes going on in my life this year, as I left my bday party I reflected on what are my constants, I went home to sleep…but I couldn't! Anyone that knows me well knows that crowds and parties give me a week supply of energy…which may or may not have caused some hiccups in my life in my early 20's! So I stayed up and looked through all the pictures I took. As I came to this one (and a few others with all of these ladies) I had to smile. These women have been the staple friendships that have defined my entire adult life..through thick and thin..up and down…diets, eating, exercising…babies and more babies…and a few surprise babies..marriage stuff, first day of school stuff, money stuff, moving stuff (houses and churches), deaths and life stuff..here these ladies have been! They know my very best attributes and the very worst and they still love me despite them all!

I love them each for very different reasons, my baby sister for obvious reasons and not so obvious reasons…this chic is a gold mine..you have to dig to get to the center of her but there is no one and I mean no one on the planet you want to have in your life more than her (her wisdom goes way beyond her years and always has) she always maintains a cool head when I'm losing mine and even though we are polar opposite personalities we always come to the same conclusion, we just get to it from different directions! There is not a stronger women of God that I know (well, maybe my mom:) but I love talking to her about the deepest things of God…she challenges me to think outside my box…I cherish that about her!

So, then there is Laine, oh my kindred spirit, this chic gets me and that's hard to do because I had searched my entire life for someone who understands me and our friendship is effortless because somehow we always understand what the other one is going through..I don't have to hide behind an "I'm alright" face, I can say my heart and she won't judge or try to fix…she will just listen. Seriously anything I go through she's like yep I totally get it and she will just say exactly what I'm thinking because we think so much a like! I love her!!

Stephanie…my pee friend…yep that's right! I seriously cannot breathe when we are together (which is not saying much because we both have asthma and have shared inhalers and every other allergy medicine) but through everything we've been through in life she reminds me to laugh..not just smile but full on double over, run to the bathroom I have to pee now, laugh!! Everyone needs a Stephanie in their life! When I get to serious or driven I can always count on her to lighten up the mood by saying something funny or sarcastic! For that matter, all of these ladies in my life are hilarious! I could not imagine going through life serious or not getting humor! It is seriously my coping tool!! Stephanie, I love your humor!! You get me always and never judge! I literally can say anything (and I have ;) around you and you take it in stride! So comfortable to hang out with!

Heather, you may be more driven than I am!! :) This last year and a half of your life would have probably kicked anybody else out of the game but you keep coming back fighting!! You are an amazing women! You always have a positive attitude and that's contagious! Even when life is crazy I see you quoting scripture and living it out! I love you for sometimes speaking things into my life that I can't see…you help me look at things with a different perspective! You too, have heard me say what's on my heart and not judge or fix..thank you!

My sweet Tam! I cannot even express to you how excited I am for you in this season of your life! You are always graceful and always sweet….you are beautiful on the inside and out and I know that the inside is what matters but I love that with you I can admit that maybe the outside matters a little bit too!! lol :) I love how in our friendship, that even when we miss talking for a while, we pick right back up where we left off without skipping a beat! I'm so excited about all the things we get to do this year for you as you get ready to be married! Love you so much!

(My other dear friend with history, Rachel, in S. Africa obviously couldn't come but through the last 15 years of our lives we've laughed, cried and lived life together…I miss her so much but Skype is an amazing tool…this chic constantly inspires me to step out in faith and do all that God calls you too…she is a treasured friend!)

All this mushy stuff to say that life long friendships are so important in life…I have realized in the past few years that even though life, people, relationships are not perfect they are to be cherished because God can pour so much into your life through your closest friends. I love these women and am so thankful for all that they bring to my life! :) I am so thankful that they (well my sister had to) stuck by me through these last couple of years when my emotions were crazy and all over the place, they sat by and didn't leave but encouraged, laughed, cried and talked me through all of it! Thank you girls!

A new life..

This is me and my dad with my newborn Emma 12 years ago.

I wasn't raised overly emotional but yet this week I'm struggling with tears. My dad died 2 years ago February 8th (wednesday) but today the Monday he died is what keeps replaying in my mind. Its hard for me to remember all the details of normal everyday life from week to week yet my mind can tell you every detail of that cold life changing Monday 2 years ago.

I'm not a talented writer (that is my husband's amazing gift) but I can write my heart…not perfect but it's real. The first year was the hardest for obvious reasons and not so obvious reasons….as my sister and I watched my moms overwhelming pain at the loss of her best friend, that was a devastation we weren't prepared for…we were losing who she was as well as losing my dad (the consequences of having very close parents who loved each to the end I guess)…and watching my learning disabled sister try to navigate through her pain as she tried to make sense of the whirlwind of 8 incredibly confusing months that we ourselves couldn't even make sense of. The second year has begun healing to my unbelievably solid mom (and to us) and to watch her faith in Jesus has given me an even stronger faith …she seriously is one of the strongest people I know and she knows her God like so few people I have ever seen.

I guess there is not a specific reason to write other than to in some way keep my dad's memory alive…there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss his encouragement and his unbelievable faith in me even when I didn't believe in myself. The love of a father that is so missed in most of my friends lives…I have had to fight anger and bitterness as to why he had to leave us so soon and yet I watch friends struggle with the never ending ache left with their uninvolved fathers still alive. I guess those are answers that I won't know til the other side of this life. I still can't even go near that part of my heart that knows my girls will never fully get to have a relationship with the amazing man that they had for a grandpa. But I do know that he will greet all of us with open arms as each one of us pass from this life to the next when nobody can be taken away again.

Sara and I have often said that even the short 30 something years we had with our dad is better then not ever knowing what it was like to know a father's unconditional love. It truly set the standard for the man I chose to marry...jim is a man that loves me unconditionally and so completely. But even more than that my dad's love laid the ground work for me to receive my Heavenly Father's love unconditionally….I know that there is a very real God who loves me and is now the only Father I have…and I know that He loves me more than my dad did and more than my husband does…His love is perfect and it was and is what carries me through these past 2 years and through these days when I feel like crumbling from the pain of an earthly loss. I dwell in the shelter of the most high and I will rest in the shadow of the Almighty when I don't know what else to do.

My dad's death literally came sandwiched in between 6 family birthdays (his included) and I remember this afternoon 2 years ago as Sara and I had been holding a bowl each time he threw up more blood…Sara would hold his head and I would hold the bowl and wipe his mouth and give him water..as he was nearing the end the final words he said to me I will cherish forever…he struggled to get the words out because he was so weak but he said Amy, I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your birthday this year. I smiled through my tears and said that's alright daddy…he said my Amy, my Amy, my first born, my Amy, I love you more than you will ever know…I told him I DO know daddy….go home and be well I will see when I get home. Those were the last words he could speak to me before he died several hours later. The best part of those words weren't that those were words he said one time…those were words my mom and sisters and I had heard from him our entire lives…it was reiterating what we had already known and he just wanted to confirm it again before he passed from this life and entered into Heaven.

I miss him so much and I miss how our family was but isn't the same without him, I miss that my husband lost the only dad he ever had, I miss that my girls don't have a grandpa, I miss that my mom doesn't have her best friend. But through all this pain I know that without my faith in God and His strength I could never go through this pain without completely falling apart. God has held my hand through it and taught me things that I would only be able to learn by going through a deep valley He has brought a depth to me that I had never had before…it's 2 years later and we see the sun now but our lives have been forever changed and my experience I can only use to pour into other hurting and broken lives and share that the hope of Jesus is the only thing that will carry you through this imperfect life until you get to perfection and see Him face to face.

"The King is enthralled with your beauty" Psalm 45:11

Let the king be enthralled by your beauty,honor him, for he is your lord. Psalm 45:11

Sometimes your gifts and callings are obvious but sometimes they are hidden until a series of events make the choice clear. I love when that happens, albeit surprised by the choice but always can see the hand of God in it.

Even though I had all sisters I was more of a tom boy growing up..playing with all the boys in the neighborhood climbing trees, running, chasing, playing cops and robbers..dolls were boring to me (still are..I always beg my girls..please can't we color or draw instead of playing dolls). As, I got into high school I had a few close girlfriends and we hung out with the artsy group of guys (small crowd in Richmond…believe me;) Nonetheless, it was easier, guys were funny, sarcastic, weren't going to gossip or be mean. Although, I have always been competitive, I never wanted to compete with the girls who were vying for the attention of guys so I would rather just hang out and be friends than compete for a title or boyfriend. I viewed myself as the girl next door and liked it that way. I still like being the girl next door..

As I grew up and met Jim my mom and a close girlfriend told me to lose the guy friends now that I was dating Jim…and that's exactly what I did gladly. As, we started to have kids..one girl…two girls…three girls..my parents thought it was comical how God had a sense of humor by giving ME all girls..but what I couldn't ever have imagined was all the many ways God was going to show himself to me through my 3 little beauties! I began to see a huge need for young moms like myself who were struggling through the bumps of new motherhood and I began to get women together to talk once a week where our kids could play. So, my 1000 sq foot home after a while overflowed with roughly 15-20 women and wall to wall newborns to toddlers.

We talked about our struggles, our fears, our husbands and our new found life that was flipped upside down by a little person. I began to have a heart for women…which had never been the case. I was always the girl who made fun of women's retreats and Bible studies because I thought it was just a bunch of cry babies complaining about their husbands…but now after several years/studies/retreats I see I was so wrong and there is such a need for God to encourage a woman's heart.

As, my girls grow, strangers constantly speak stupid comments to me all the time about having all girls, I get infuriated at the negative attitude towards women and girls in this country. I and my "shy" personality (haha) always love coming back with some quick comment about how much I adore girls and would have 5 more if I could! It always shocks people and I have been known to say I'm so sorry for your horrible life and insecurities as a woman..in which case the woman walks away dumbfounded at my remarks..my girls and I always laugh and go about our day.

But as I really have began to think of why when I was younger did I not like to hang out with girls and why in the world was and is everybody commenting on how hard having girls can be? The answer keeps coming back to me over and over again. Women are not aware that anyone is enthralled with their beauty much less a King..and not just any king..the KING of KINGS is enthralled with their beauty!

I was blessed beyond measure to be raised in a home with both parents pouring into me and believing in me and then married a man who is unbelievable at giving me wings to fly and believing in me all the while. That is not so with everyone women. For whatever their circumstance is…they don't know they are beautiful! And I'm not talking about Hollywoods version of beautiful…heck nobody can attain that…they are airbrushed, well lit and have fake ev-er-y-thing!!

I'm am talking an inner beauty that comes from the confidence of knowing that there is a very real Savior who loves them and believes in them..and has a purpose for them. These insecure women feel that they don't have a voice and feel that everything is wrong inside of them and so they put down other women or try to fight through a crowd to be seen or heard or affirmed instead of resting in the absolute knowledge that God, the creator of the world hears them and thinks they are beautiful! I was just reminded of this recently when I saw a young girl fighting for the attention of a guy in a situation. I had to laugh to myself because the enemy has no new tricks up his sleeve…if he can get a girl to believe they need the affirmation of a man instead of God a girl will run in circles for her entire life and never walk in what God called them too. Dont get me wrong I love a compliment just as much as the next girl and Im all about words of encouragement, but if you are searching for a compliment to fill a void and insecurity...no amount of words will fill that.

And as I thought about that situation I thought God this is quite funny…I feel like over the last several years God has placed in my heart a desire to help women know their place in the Kingdom of God. Ladies, Jesus is enthralled with your beauty…you have purpose and God sees your heart and has good and amazing things planned for you! Take the world by storm and stop hating on other women..God loves you..lets work together for His glory!

Kids, the kitchen sink and worship

Well, I've had a scare these past couple of weeks with my youngest having pneumonia with a fever for 8 days straight and touch and go as to whether we had to take her to the hospital. So, I know, I know lots of kids get pneumonia and get over it but it's a little different for me. I've always hoped and prayed that my girls would never have any breathing type problems. When I was 8 like Maya, I too had pneumonia but it was much worse...I had double pneumonia with a 105 fever they couldn't get down I had to be put in an oxygen tent and tons of blood work..I remember every detail of that traumatic week..my parents around my hospital bed crying...drs putting my listless little body in a tub of ice to break my dangerously high fever..it worked and I survived it but it started a life of breathing problems for me. Everything from allergies, pneumonia, bronchitis as a kid and now adult asthma.

I remember as I toured in my early 20's for the whole year I was on the road I had this crazy inflammation of my lungs...it was painful and most of the time caused difficulty breathing much less singing. Yet, God, in His love and mercy, every single time I would get up to sing my lungs were filled with breath and I could get through our 2 hour concert 5 or 6 times a week for a year despite my inability to breathe correctly for the rest of the day.

So, that experience at 8 yrs old shook me up and I've always hated how I've loved singing but had this problem breathing...the irony right? Or just God using something despite looking like a rather impossible thing to do and showing His glory through it.

But I never wanted this for any of my girls! God has a funny way of bringing your life full circle for a very good reason though. When Maya was so sick I was beside myself so when I took her in and the dr. told me it was pneumonia I literally put my hands on my face and started shaking my head no with tears in my eyes. I didn't want this same kind of traumatic experience for my daughter..she was given antibiotics and it took days for her fever to go down..but we didn't need to go to the hospital..I had every person I knew praying for her!

During the week, one of my dearest friends text me and told me to just cry out to God for her healing...I thought the last time I cried out like that it didn't go so well for me and so I told her I was so scared something was going to happen to her...my friend said yes I know why you are scared but trust God with her anyways...do you know how hard it is for a mom to trust anyone with her child?!! I knew she was right though.

Life had come full circle for a couple of things really...my childhood pneumonia experience (well I'm here to write about it so it worked out) that produced a deep buried fear of that sickness and now learning how to trust God with my daughter's health and well being as she had the same thing. But even bigger than that, I have learned in the last few years that life doesn't always go as planned..that all my prayers are not always going to be answered the way I want them too. My girlfriend, mother of 5, died a few years ago from breast cancer and we cried out..my dad died a couple of yrs ago and I cried out...my baby was sick and I cried out...and GOD met me there to teach me that His character is always good no matter the outcome of our circumstances..trust, Trust, TRUST..such a difficult thing for me. I think I've got it and then I run ahead and want to do it myself. He stops me and speaks to me that He loves me and loves my girls more than I love them (not sure how that's possible) so I must trust He has their lives all planned out and plans to prosper them not to harm them. So, as I stood at my kitchen sink and washed my dishes I looked out and just prayed for my life, my husband and my girls lives and told God I trusted Him..washing dishes is often where God speaks the most to me..it's often the only time I'm standing in one place long enough to listen to Him speak words of hope to me.

My other girlfriend text me and said Amy you need to praise Him through this which was so true and familiar in difficult times.....after my dad died my times of worship were literally the only times when my pain was somewhat tolearable...for me it 's the time I can get lost in just looking to Him for the answers I think I have but really dont...it's when he speaks to me...it's when I feel the closest to Him. So, when people in churches all across this country (and I've been to hundreds of them when I traveled) stand there and stare at the worship team instead of entering in, it is absolutely perplexing...I want to scream out people this is your time to get alone with God and tell Him your heart..it's your time to chase after His heart and to be close to Him to hear His voice..worship (well beyond Sunday morning) is the time where God can breath life into your weary soul, into your brokeness, into your mistrust and bring His hope, peace and answers only He can tell you.

So, this week I learned (again) I have to lay down my fear and mistrust and know God's plans are bigger than mine and are bigger for my girls than I know and that I can trust Him with my girls for "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11 and no matter valley or mountain I will praise you God because you are my strength!

And Maya is doing great...laughing and playing..almost completely through her pneumonia and I have decided to keep her home and homeschool her so she can't get anymore germs...just kidding! (but seriously the thought went through my mind and God said no... and so did Jim!)