A new life..

This is me and my dad with my newborn Emma 12 years ago.

I wasn't raised overly emotional but yet this week I'm struggling with tears. My dad died 2 years ago February 8th (wednesday) but today the Monday he died is what keeps replaying in my mind. Its hard for me to remember all the details of normal everyday life from week to week yet my mind can tell you every detail of that cold life changing Monday 2 years ago.

I'm not a talented writer (that is my husband's amazing gift) but I can write my heart…not perfect but it's real. The first year was the hardest for obvious reasons and not so obvious reasons….as my sister and I watched my moms overwhelming pain at the loss of her best friend, that was a devastation we weren't prepared for…we were losing who she was as well as losing my dad (the consequences of having very close parents who loved each to the end I guess)…and watching my learning disabled sister try to navigate through her pain as she tried to make sense of the whirlwind of 8 incredibly confusing months that we ourselves couldn't even make sense of. The second year has begun healing to my unbelievably solid mom (and to us) and to watch her faith in Jesus has given me an even stronger faith …she seriously is one of the strongest people I know and she knows her God like so few people I have ever seen.

I guess there is not a specific reason to write other than to in some way keep my dad's memory alive…there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss his encouragement and his unbelievable faith in me even when I didn't believe in myself. The love of a father that is so missed in most of my friends lives…I have had to fight anger and bitterness as to why he had to leave us so soon and yet I watch friends struggle with the never ending ache left with their uninvolved fathers still alive. I guess those are answers that I won't know til the other side of this life. I still can't even go near that part of my heart that knows my girls will never fully get to have a relationship with the amazing man that they had for a grandpa. But I do know that he will greet all of us with open arms as each one of us pass from this life to the next when nobody can be taken away again.

Sara and I have often said that even the short 30 something years we had with our dad is better then not ever knowing what it was like to know a father's unconditional love. It truly set the standard for the man I chose to marry...jim is a man that loves me unconditionally and so completely. But even more than that my dad's love laid the ground work for me to receive my Heavenly Father's love unconditionally….I know that there is a very real God who loves me and is now the only Father I have…and I know that He loves me more than my dad did and more than my husband does…His love is perfect and it was and is what carries me through these past 2 years and through these days when I feel like crumbling from the pain of an earthly loss. I dwell in the shelter of the most high and I will rest in the shadow of the Almighty when I don't know what else to do.

My dad's death literally came sandwiched in between 6 family birthdays (his included) and I remember this afternoon 2 years ago as Sara and I had been holding a bowl each time he threw up more blood…Sara would hold his head and I would hold the bowl and wipe his mouth and give him water..as he was nearing the end the final words he said to me I will cherish forever…he struggled to get the words out because he was so weak but he said Amy, I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your birthday this year. I smiled through my tears and said that's alright daddy…he said my Amy, my Amy, my first born, my Amy, I love you more than you will ever know…I told him I DO know daddy….go home and be well I will see when I get home. Those were the last words he could speak to me before he died several hours later. The best part of those words weren't that those were words he said one time…those were words my mom and sisters and I had heard from him our entire lives…it was reiterating what we had already known and he just wanted to confirm it again before he passed from this life and entered into Heaven.

I miss him so much and I miss how our family was but isn't the same without him, I miss that my husband lost the only dad he ever had, I miss that my girls don't have a grandpa, I miss that my mom doesn't have her best friend. But through all this pain I know that without my faith in God and His strength I could never go through this pain without completely falling apart. God has held my hand through it and taught me things that I would only be able to learn by going through a deep valley He has brought a depth to me that I had never had before…it's 2 years later and we see the sun now but our lives have been forever changed and my experience I can only use to pour into other hurting and broken lives and share that the hope of Jesus is the only thing that will carry you through this imperfect life until you get to perfection and see Him face to face.