A new life..

This is me and my dad with my newborn Emma 12 years ago.

I wasn't raised overly emotional but yet this week I'm struggling with tears. My dad died 2 years ago February 8th (wednesday) but today the Monday he died is what keeps replaying in my mind. Its hard for me to remember all the details of normal everyday life from week to week yet my mind can tell you every detail of that cold life changing Monday 2 years ago.

I'm not a talented writer (that is my husband's amazing gift) but I can write my heart…not perfect but it's real. The first year was the hardest for obvious reasons and not so obvious reasons….as my sister and I watched my moms overwhelming pain at the loss of her best friend, that was a devastation we weren't prepared for…we were losing who she was as well as losing my dad (the consequences of having very close parents who loved each to the end I guess)…and watching my learning disabled sister try to navigate through her pain as she tried to make sense of the whirlwind of 8 incredibly confusing months that we ourselves couldn't even make sense of. The second year has begun healing to my unbelievably solid mom (and to us) and to watch her faith in Jesus has given me an even stronger faith …she seriously is one of the strongest people I know and she knows her God like so few people I have ever seen.

I guess there is not a specific reason to write other than to in some way keep my dad's memory alive…there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss his encouragement and his unbelievable faith in me even when I didn't believe in myself. The love of a father that is so missed in most of my friends lives…I have had to fight anger and bitterness as to why he had to leave us so soon and yet I watch friends struggle with the never ending ache left with their uninvolved fathers still alive. I guess those are answers that I won't know til the other side of this life. I still can't even go near that part of my heart that knows my girls will never fully get to have a relationship with the amazing man that they had for a grandpa. But I do know that he will greet all of us with open arms as each one of us pass from this life to the next when nobody can be taken away again.

Sara and I have often said that even the short 30 something years we had with our dad is better then not ever knowing what it was like to know a father's unconditional love. It truly set the standard for the man I chose to marry...jim is a man that loves me unconditionally and so completely. But even more than that my dad's love laid the ground work for me to receive my Heavenly Father's love unconditionally….I know that there is a very real God who loves me and is now the only Father I have…and I know that He loves me more than my dad did and more than my husband does…His love is perfect and it was and is what carries me through these past 2 years and through these days when I feel like crumbling from the pain of an earthly loss. I dwell in the shelter of the most high and I will rest in the shadow of the Almighty when I don't know what else to do.

My dad's death literally came sandwiched in between 6 family birthdays (his included) and I remember this afternoon 2 years ago as Sara and I had been holding a bowl each time he threw up more blood…Sara would hold his head and I would hold the bowl and wipe his mouth and give him water..as he was nearing the end the final words he said to me I will cherish forever…he struggled to get the words out because he was so weak but he said Amy, I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your birthday this year. I smiled through my tears and said that's alright daddy…he said my Amy, my Amy, my first born, my Amy, I love you more than you will ever know…I told him I DO know daddy….go home and be well I will see when I get home. Those were the last words he could speak to me before he died several hours later. The best part of those words weren't that those were words he said one time…those were words my mom and sisters and I had heard from him our entire lives…it was reiterating what we had already known and he just wanted to confirm it again before he passed from this life and entered into Heaven.

I miss him so much and I miss how our family was but isn't the same without him, I miss that my husband lost the only dad he ever had, I miss that my girls don't have a grandpa, I miss that my mom doesn't have her best friend. But through all this pain I know that without my faith in God and His strength I could never go through this pain without completely falling apart. God has held my hand through it and taught me things that I would only be able to learn by going through a deep valley He has brought a depth to me that I had never had before…it's 2 years later and we see the sun now but our lives have been forever changed and my experience I can only use to pour into other hurting and broken lives and share that the hope of Jesus is the only thing that will carry you through this imperfect life until you get to perfection and see Him face to face.

"The King is enthralled with your beauty" Psalm 45:11

Let the king be enthralled by your beauty,honor him, for he is your lord. Psalm 45:11

Sometimes your gifts and callings are obvious but sometimes they are hidden until a series of events make the choice clear. I love when that happens, albeit surprised by the choice but always can see the hand of God in it.

Even though I had all sisters I was more of a tom boy growing up..playing with all the boys in the neighborhood climbing trees, running, chasing, playing cops and robbers..dolls were boring to me (still are..I always beg my girls..please can't we color or draw instead of playing dolls). As, I got into high school I had a few close girlfriends and we hung out with the artsy group of guys (small crowd in Richmond…believe me;) Nonetheless, it was easier, guys were funny, sarcastic, weren't going to gossip or be mean. Although, I have always been competitive, I never wanted to compete with the girls who were vying for the attention of guys so I would rather just hang out and be friends than compete for a title or boyfriend. I viewed myself as the girl next door and liked it that way. I still like being the girl next door..

As I grew up and met Jim my mom and a close girlfriend told me to lose the guy friends now that I was dating Jim…and that's exactly what I did gladly. As, we started to have kids..one girl…two girls…three girls..my parents thought it was comical how God had a sense of humor by giving ME all girls..but what I couldn't ever have imagined was all the many ways God was going to show himself to me through my 3 little beauties! I began to see a huge need for young moms like myself who were struggling through the bumps of new motherhood and I began to get women together to talk once a week where our kids could play. So, my 1000 sq foot home after a while overflowed with roughly 15-20 women and wall to wall newborns to toddlers.

We talked about our struggles, our fears, our husbands and our new found life that was flipped upside down by a little person. I began to have a heart for women…which had never been the case. I was always the girl who made fun of women's retreats and Bible studies because I thought it was just a bunch of cry babies complaining about their husbands…but now after several years/studies/retreats I see I was so wrong and there is such a need for God to encourage a woman's heart.

As, my girls grow, strangers constantly speak stupid comments to me all the time about having all girls, I get infuriated at the negative attitude towards women and girls in this country. I and my "shy" personality (haha) always love coming back with some quick comment about how much I adore girls and would have 5 more if I could! It always shocks people and I have been known to say I'm so sorry for your horrible life and insecurities as a woman..in which case the woman walks away dumbfounded at my remarks..my girls and I always laugh and go about our day.

But as I really have began to think of why when I was younger did I not like to hang out with girls and why in the world was and is everybody commenting on how hard having girls can be? The answer keeps coming back to me over and over again. Women are not aware that anyone is enthralled with their beauty much less a King..and not just any king..the KING of KINGS is enthralled with their beauty!

I was blessed beyond measure to be raised in a home with both parents pouring into me and believing in me and then married a man who is unbelievable at giving me wings to fly and believing in me all the while. That is not so with everyone women. For whatever their circumstance is…they don't know they are beautiful! And I'm not talking about Hollywoods version of beautiful…heck nobody can attain that…they are airbrushed, well lit and have fake ev-er-y-thing!!

I'm am talking an inner beauty that comes from the confidence of knowing that there is a very real Savior who loves them and believes in them..and has a purpose for them. These insecure women feel that they don't have a voice and feel that everything is wrong inside of them and so they put down other women or try to fight through a crowd to be seen or heard or affirmed instead of resting in the absolute knowledge that God, the creator of the world hears them and thinks they are beautiful! I was just reminded of this recently when I saw a young girl fighting for the attention of a guy in a situation. I had to laugh to myself because the enemy has no new tricks up his sleeve…if he can get a girl to believe they need the affirmation of a man instead of God a girl will run in circles for her entire life and never walk in what God called them too. Dont get me wrong I love a compliment just as much as the next girl and Im all about words of encouragement, but if you are searching for a compliment to fill a void and insecurity...no amount of words will fill that.

And as I thought about that situation I thought God this is quite funny…I feel like over the last several years God has placed in my heart a desire to help women know their place in the Kingdom of God. Ladies, Jesus is enthralled with your beauty…you have purpose and God sees your heart and has good and amazing things planned for you! Take the world by storm and stop hating on other women..God loves you..lets work together for His glory!

Kids, the kitchen sink and worship

Well, I've had a scare these past couple of weeks with my youngest having pneumonia with a fever for 8 days straight and touch and go as to whether we had to take her to the hospital. So, I know, I know lots of kids get pneumonia and get over it but it's a little different for me. I've always hoped and prayed that my girls would never have any breathing type problems. When I was 8 like Maya, I too had pneumonia but it was much worse...I had double pneumonia with a 105 fever they couldn't get down I had to be put in an oxygen tent and tons of blood work..I remember every detail of that traumatic week..my parents around my hospital bed crying...drs putting my listless little body in a tub of ice to break my dangerously high fever..it worked and I survived it but it started a life of breathing problems for me. Everything from allergies, pneumonia, bronchitis as a kid and now adult asthma.

I remember as I toured in my early 20's for the whole year I was on the road I had this crazy inflammation of my lungs...it was painful and most of the time caused difficulty breathing much less singing. Yet, God, in His love and mercy, every single time I would get up to sing my lungs were filled with breath and I could get through our 2 hour concert 5 or 6 times a week for a year despite my inability to breathe correctly for the rest of the day.

So, that experience at 8 yrs old shook me up and I've always hated how I've loved singing but had this problem breathing...the irony right? Or just God using something despite looking like a rather impossible thing to do and showing His glory through it.

But I never wanted this for any of my girls! God has a funny way of bringing your life full circle for a very good reason though. When Maya was so sick I was beside myself so when I took her in and the dr. told me it was pneumonia I literally put my hands on my face and started shaking my head no with tears in my eyes. I didn't want this same kind of traumatic experience for my daughter..she was given antibiotics and it took days for her fever to go down..but we didn't need to go to the hospital..I had every person I knew praying for her!

During the week, one of my dearest friends text me and told me to just cry out to God for her healing...I thought the last time I cried out like that it didn't go so well for me and so I told her I was so scared something was going to happen to her...my friend said yes I know why you are scared but trust God with her anyways...do you know how hard it is for a mom to trust anyone with her child?!! I knew she was right though.

Life had come full circle for a couple of things really...my childhood pneumonia experience (well I'm here to write about it so it worked out) that produced a deep buried fear of that sickness and now learning how to trust God with my daughter's health and well being as she had the same thing. But even bigger than that, I have learned in the last few years that life doesn't always go as planned..that all my prayers are not always going to be answered the way I want them too. My girlfriend, mother of 5, died a few years ago from breast cancer and we cried out..my dad died a couple of yrs ago and I cried out...my baby was sick and I cried out...and GOD met me there to teach me that His character is always good no matter the outcome of our circumstances..trust, Trust, TRUST..such a difficult thing for me. I think I've got it and then I run ahead and want to do it myself. He stops me and speaks to me that He loves me and loves my girls more than I love them (not sure how that's possible) so I must trust He has their lives all planned out and plans to prosper them not to harm them. So, as I stood at my kitchen sink and washed my dishes I looked out and just prayed for my life, my husband and my girls lives and told God I trusted Him..washing dishes is often where God speaks the most to me..it's often the only time I'm standing in one place long enough to listen to Him speak words of hope to me.

My other girlfriend text me and said Amy you need to praise Him through this which was so true and familiar in difficult times.....after my dad died my times of worship were literally the only times when my pain was somewhat tolearable...for me it 's the time I can get lost in just looking to Him for the answers I think I have but really dont...it's when he speaks to me...it's when I feel the closest to Him. So, when people in churches all across this country (and I've been to hundreds of them when I traveled) stand there and stare at the worship team instead of entering in, it is absolutely perplexing...I want to scream out people this is your time to get alone with God and tell Him your heart..it's your time to chase after His heart and to be close to Him to hear His voice..worship (well beyond Sunday morning) is the time where God can breath life into your weary soul, into your brokeness, into your mistrust and bring His hope, peace and answers only He can tell you.

So, this week I learned (again) I have to lay down my fear and mistrust and know God's plans are bigger than mine and are bigger for my girls than I know and that I can trust Him with my girls for "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11 and no matter valley or mountain I will praise you God because you are my strength!

And Maya is doing great...laughing and playing..almost completely through her pneumonia and I have decided to keep her home and homeschool her so she can't get anymore germs...just kidding! (but seriously the thought went through my mind and God said no... and so did Jim!)

My unexpected fairytale

Tonight 14 years ago my best friend proposed to me and by his definition it took an eternity for me to say yes (it took 30 seconds ;) I remember we were at his house with nobody else around...Jim is not a fanfare person and doesn't like a crowd. The lights were down and the Christmas tree lights were on..he knew that Christmas was seriously my favorite time of the year and this memory was only going to add to the magic of the season. On bended knee, he has always been a hopeless romantic, he proposed. I remember thinking oh my goodness this is happening to me...me! I was never the girl that wanted to get married early, had never thought about my wedding day (mainly because I was always a bridesmaid so I was probably too busy thinking about everyone else's wedding day), and certainly didn't think of myself as the mom type (I hated babysitting...the thought of sitting with a little person on a Saturday night was less than desirable) and I was too much of a free spirit to settle down.

When a lot my girlfriends were racing to the altar and were marrying the first guy to ask, I just enjoyed working and hanging out with friends and traveling. I knew God would bring the perfect guy to me when it was the right time. Now, don't get me wrong, I thought about it...but I was watching some friends marry losers and I thought I would rather be alone then be with a wrong idiot! So, by the time I turned 25 my family was getting nervous, my mom and sister both married at 19 and what was taking me so long? I knew that when I met him I would just know...and shortly after my 25th bday I met Jim and we both just knew...one year later exactly we were married.

So many people questioned my quick decision..they kept saying he was too quiet and how would that work and would say he wasn't my type (which was hilarious to me b/c how did everyone else know my type and I didn't) All I knew was that to me, he wasn't quiet. Reserved? yes...but to me he gave me his heart and he was the most sincere and compassionate person I had ever met and he talked to me and that was all that mattered. I knew he would always love me and always make me laugh and if I ever wanted kids he would make the best daddy ever.

I look at so many troubled marriages that I know and I am so thankful that God put Jim and I together. I enjoy every moment with him. Every step of life, every battle, every victory we walk through together...now he is definitely not the quiet guy I married...he has all sorts of opinions now (he has 3 daughters so that rocked his world at the thought of having to ward off boys so he started having a lot more opinions about all 4 of us!)..he speaks his mind (which I adore) and never waivers...ever...he is as constant in every decision he makes as anyone I have ever known in my life.

So, as we have been together for almost 15 years now I couldn't have asked for a better guy to grow old with...We've grown together, we've changed our ideas together, we've made some good decisions and maybe a few bad decisions together.

I was just talking to my hairdresser yesterday...when she stopped me and said you are one of the only women I have come in here that is still in love with your husband and you've been faithful to each other..and then she asked me my secret. I had to stop and think about what makes us different...is it that we are Christians? Sadly, no because I know way too many Christians and non Christians alike that have a mess of a marriage. I sat for a second and then answered...dedication and commitment..always reinventing ourselves and guarding our marriage (with everything inside of us) from distractions. As, soon as we feel like we don't have something in common we change that and get on the same page...we work at always having a common ground (besides our children...which now I wouldn't trade being a mom for the world...truly my greatest accomplishment to date), we make an effort to constantly communicate...sometimes louder than other times ;) But we always work it out and never let anything put a wedge in our relationship...everything gets talked about.

We work at it...I love when people tell me "oh you don't understand what it's like to have a bad marriage" they are right I dont...but they are usually the same women tearing their husbands down, never speaking words of encouragement into their lives, never believing in their husbands and just being plain out moody! Ladies, your husband wants...no NEEDS to know you believe in him...he needs to know you trust his judgement...it does wonders for them...and in turn as you are pouring into their lives they will adore the mess out of you and so it goes back and forth...just love him don't nag him...he hates it (and if a women were honest with herself she hates the sound of her nagging too!) Love unconditionally and by doing that you will be pleasantly surprised!

All that to say...thank you, God, that you brought James into my life almost 15 years ago now and began a fairytale I never even knew I wanted!

How to train a dragon (I'm mean tween-aged daughter)

Quick post this morning as I'm left here in a quiet house laughing to myself. This morning, was our regular routine. I walk through our hallway upstairs singing good morning, good morning, gooood moorrrning...(I know it's weird but it's a true story..I don't mind mornings) to get my girls up and going! Maya pops up first and sings back (my little joy baby) or in a cute little rhaspy voice says hi mama, Brooke hits the ground running...she says hi and starts talking about all of her day, opinions and how to end world peace! Then Emma always takes a few minutes to get moving but I've always called her my morning dove because she is the one who loves the quiet of the morning and slowly waking up (which does not blend well with Brookes vivacious way of viewing the morning by talking out EVERYTHING!)

Anyways, the mornings move rather well and we all manage to make it downstairs and out the door without any hiccups. Except this morning Emma wasn't feelin' it! She kept snapping at her sisters for no reason and at me...by the time we got downstairs I said Emma that's enough it's too early to do crabby and besides we don't do moody in this house! She just looked down and was a little sad. This is completely out of character for her (she would do that when she was 7 or 8 but not anymore). Well, she just turned 12 and I tease her about all those emotions running through her that she herself won't understand and she will just say MOM stop it....that's soooo embarrassing! But I think it's cute!

Anyways, Jim comes downstairs and hears and sees what's going on when (here's the training part) he scoops her up to give her a hug and says I love you Emma in the cheesiest voice he can do to get her to laugh!! We all started laughing..except Emma...so then we all start singing (yes, Jim and I, doing a duet which is hilarious in and of itself) You're never fully dressed without a smile from Annie until she just breaks down and starts laughing! We broke through her tween hormones and got her to laugh!! I remember my mom and dad doing the same thing to us girls until we would just say being moody wasn't worth it and we would begin to laugh! Now, I'm not sure if I'm over simplifying it or if it really good be this easy...but my solution on how to train a tween aged daughter is lots of love, lots of communication and a boat load of laughs along the way....

Keepin' it real

What's the thing most complimented about you? For me it's always an odd thing...my entire life the compliment I hear most ISN'T my great skin (wrinkles and pimples...oh the joys) or my great toned stomach (with 3 kids later...a road map"ish" pound puppy"ish" stomach is what I've got) which I wasn't allowed to show off for the first 25 years and wouldn't WANT to show it off now for the next 25 years now that I could (oh the irony of life)....no it's a compliment that goes something like this...You are one of the most real people I have ever met.

I still slightly taken a back by this comment...mainly because I am never sure if it's a compliment or slam. (A slam maybe because it usually comes on the heels of me saying something unexpected or not correct :) Either way it's intended, I just believe it to be a compliment.

But the comment itself tends to puzzle me and make me slightly sad. It often comes from somebody who has met more "Christians" then they choose to ever know...I never announce to anybody anywhere "hey, I'm a Christian" because I know I'm "real" I'm human and I know I make mistakes but I so desperately want to bring honor to who Jesus is. So, I live out my life in front of people and wait for them to ask me what's different...that's usually when the "you are so real" comment comes..they realize that I am human and I'm not trying to be anybody other then who I am and that is, a redeemed child of God who is not afraid to admit that I don't have all the answers and for sure don't always get it right but I just so happen to know somebody who does! They realize I'm not here to play judge or look down on anybody I just love God and want to share how He can give them peace and hope too, despite our faults, but not pretending we don't have any faults.

But even more than that is when it comes from people who are Christians...it's those times when the people I am surrounded by will say "you are real" ...what does that mean? Think about your own life..who are you most able to be yourself around? I'm not talking about who can you get away with sin with (you should be steering clear of them anyways)...I'm talking about the people you can share your pain, your heart, your joys, and your struggles with and they not look down on you or judge you but encourage you, lift you up, pray for you and keep you accountable or just simply rejoice with you...what a friend to have...a friend you can let your guard down with and TRUST. Not one that you have to act like you have it all together for...what's the point of that friendship...it only brings discouragement to your life because you are not measuring up...guess what? They aren't either...those people builds walls and facades that they themselves can't even live up to! Instead choose a friend or two "to stick closer to than a brother" be real. love. encourage. trust. It's alright to say you don't have it all together...it actually allows others to be free to share their heart and together you can work through life "stuff"!

I just read a blog about just that, people in the church feeling like they have to look perfect...says who? We are treasures in jars of clay..clay....that means we are being worked on all the time..and that's perfectly alright! Let's allow people to be real around us so we know how to pray for each other and not judge each other.

That's the kind of friend I want to be...that's the kind of friend I want...be that friend for somebody today..until the day somebody compliments me on my beautiful (insert sarcasm) skin I'll be keepin' it real with my crazy life...

Amy

Key of Hope Christmas Gifts of Hope Last year we collected over 130 Christmas boxes for aids orphans in Durban South Africa! The looks on these children’s faces were priceless and a true gift of hope indeed! This year we are collecting them again and giving these children a gift that will make a lasting impression on them that they have not been forgotten and that there is a very real God who loves and adores them! We are hoping to send over 200 Christmas bags this year! Please help us reach this goal!! The kids will all be receiving the same kind of gift this year. In order to keep it fair I have supplied a list of the exact gifts Key of Hope has given me that the kids need throughout the year. I realize the list is exact but this will allow all the children to receive the same gift so no one child will feel left out by not getting the same kind of gift as the other children! Thank you for your understanding! You will be able to choose a boy or girl gift bag though. I am so excited to be able to do this again this year for these kids! Please know that as you sow into the lives of these children you are sowing into the eternal Kingdom of God! What an honor to be used in this way! I encourage you to take your children shopping for this too. What a way to get your kids involved in giving during this upcoming season! We are starting this program very early this year in effort to collect as many gift bags as we can. We need to ship all of these gifts by November 15, 2010 to ensure a Christmas delivery! Please go to Key of Hope’s website to learn more about this outreach and how you can get even more involved! It is www.keyofhope.org. Please, forward this on to as many people as you know so we can get everyone involved in this project! This is a great project to do as a family, business, school event!! I will periodically post on my facebook and twitter the number of bags we have collected! Heres the list. I found everything at Target or Walmart for the least expensive price. One plain red 10” long bag. Put all the gifts in with no tissue. Pack of yellow pencils 8 pack 3. Pencil sharpener small plastic .69 cent one - any color 4. Black Bic pack of pens (7 count) 5. Crayola crayon set 24 count 6. Crayola colored pencil set 12 count 1 Large Pink Eraser 1 Elmers glue stick 9. Trial size bar of soap (I found a caress bar for .84 cents) 10. Toothbrush any color adult size 11. Trial size crest toothpaste 12. Small black comb 13. Candy - Blow Pops suckers (a small pack of them) 14. Small pad of paper (4”x3” size that folds the paper up and over) ***Number 15 on the list will be the difference for each bag. Please mark on the front of the bag if you want to send this to a BOY or GIRL and the age. A BOY BAG 15. A small hackie sack type of ball or any kind of small ball A GIRL BAG 15. 1 Lip smackers lip gloss any flavor or chap stick Like last year include a check for $10 made out to me Amy TerMarsch for each bag you send me to cover the shipping and handling costs. Thanks again for helping to make a difference! If you have any questions please email me at amyterm@gmail.com or contact me on facebook or twitter. You can start dropping off your Gifts of Hope as soon as you would like to 17757 Kenai, Macomb, MI 48042. Thank you and be sure to check out their website! Lets make a difference together! Amy