New Life, Parkway and Soccer #5

I’m not sure if this is important to anyone or if this is just me that needs to write this to get it out...but here it goes. An explanation the best way I know how. In written form.

Parenting decisions can be tough. Right? So many variables and each child is so different and what they each need can be so different. I will try to make this as short and succinct as I can without getting too wordy. Well, I will at least try :)

7 years ago when my dad died, my husband felt very strongly that it would be the best choice for our girls to send them to the school where their cousins were so, we as a family, could be together. He thought it would be a good idea for me to be close to my sister during our grief and well beyond and for our girls to be with their cousins. I fought him. I fought him tooth and nail. I begged to not send me back to where I grew up. I’m not a country girl. I never was but there I sat with a decision to be made to go back to where I came from. 

Do I say yes to take the girls out of their school and place them up with their cousins and me with my sister (which that part I loved...it was the drive and disconnect from my life down here that I didn’t want to leave) or keep them where they were. Jim was very adamant about this decision to send the girls up to the school with their cousins at New Life. I finally acquiesced. 

For the first few years I begged him to let us go back to Parkway. Not for any other reason other than the fact that I knew the area around New Life wasn’t our community we were living in. We were so far away. I watched the girls build friendships and fit the best we good despite that though. Great school. Great people. It just always came back to the distance and how far removed from the community up there we were but everyone was so awesome at including the girls despite that distance.

The summer of 2015 before the 2015/16 school year began, maybe Jim got tired of me begging him to lessen our drive and let us go back to Parkway or maybe it was just coincidence that the subject came up again one summer night that we take them back to Parkway. I think the thought of driving that far weighed on us all as we looked to start that upcoming school year. Truth be told, at that point, I had settled into the fact that this is where the girls were going to stay. I had realized that it wasn’t about me it was about them anyways. I had begun to make a few friends and the girls were doing well so quite honestly I had given up asking him for us to go back.  The subject, however, came up that summer night that what if they went back to Parkway. We talked about our community and how our church and a lot of the people there overlapped into Parkway. The girls still had friends there and the drive was much less. We discussed that option as we talked about sports and events just being closer and friends being significantly closer and us not being so far removed from a community of people like we were up at New Life. Emma, however, was adamant though that we stay one more year for Grace’s senior year.  We all agreed that that was the best choice. We decided to re visit the option of leaving after Grace graduated in 2016.  A decision I would later come to realize was the most profound and necessary decision of Emma’s life to date. So we stayed.

Obviously, you know the rest of the story. Grace’s accident happened 3 weeks into the new year of 2016 and changed the trajectory of our entire lives and will for the remainder of all our lives I'm sure. 

We grappled with, what I felt was the worst decision of my entire life, as we began to watch grief unfold in my girls. I had told my sister that we had wanted to send the girls back to Parkway after Grace had graduated but said after the accident that we would stay at the school for them as long as needed instead now. 

Like I said though I began to watch grief unfold for our girls and, for more reasons then I could write or even articulate at this point, it began to be very very clear that we were to take them out of New Life and send them back to Parkway. Reasons, that I told several people from New Life, were beyond what I could explain. It was more of a just ‘knowing’ that they needed to live out the rest of their schooling in a building that was separate from a reminder around every corner of Grace.

We wanted the girls to all grieve at their own pace without being thrust into or forced into talking about or facing every detail constantly but rather give them the ability to process their own grief at their own pace apart from everyone watching them. We wanted them to be able to cycle through it without onlookers.

This is where the parenting decision making is tough. I told a mom at New Life, that nobody pulls you to the side when you have a baby and gives you a handbook on how to raise kids in the event of extreme, untimely and tragic death. Nobody told us how to do this. We just were two parents, praying and trying our best to protect our kids and guide them through extreme loss when even we were turned upside down in shock and grief. We also knew that you were not suppose to make big life decisions that first year of grief. We fully believe that God, in His mercy and wisdom, went ahead of us and the day before the accident we went to a Parkway open house so that God could remind me that we made the decision apart from and before our intense grief not in the midst of it. God was so faithful to do this for us.

It was the worst decision for me personally though because I felt like I had to choose between staying and supporting my sister or leaving and choosing my girls (which I later realized was not the case bc I found out I could choose both her and them but be in a different place but felt like it during that season). My decision was excrutiating though and one that I did not take lightly. I prayed and prayed for guidance to know what was the right decision. Jim and I finally had peace and knew we were suppose to take the girls out and send them back to Parkway. 

We knew that people were going to ask questions, we knew people were going to question how I could leave my sister at a time like this (I had one mom tell me she would fill in for me as the sister roll to Sara if I left...that felt wonderful), we knew it wasn’t going to make sense to most people, heck, it wasn’t fully making sense to us either. We just knew we had a peace knowing that this was the very right decision for our girls. We went forward with our decision. Bumpy. Haphazard. Not perfect. But sincerely and genuinly about the well being of our girls. Maybe not a choice everyone would have chosen but again each child needs different things and each family is responsible to God for the kids they have been entrusted to by him and Jim and I take this responsibility very very seriously.

And so they started back at Parkway for the 2016/17 school year. Confirmation was given with every step that this was exactly the perfect decision for all 3 of our girls. And with each confirmation, I would point out to the girls how God has confirmed over and over again that we have them in the exact right place for them.

A few months ago, as the girls and I were driving home, I off handedly made a comment that we wasted the last 5 years of our lives driving up so far to New Life and should have just stayed put at Parkway. There was a long pause from all 3 of them (they all looked at each other as if they had talked about that subject many many times before without me....sisters do that kind of stuff) and they slowly proceeded and said mom, can you promise us that you will never say that those 5 years were wasted ever again? I paused because they were all very serious and honestly we are never that serious so I was stopped cold....I slowly asked why, girls? With tears in one of their eyes, they slowly said it wasn’t a mistake to be up there....it was an act of God. They proceeded to tell me that He directed our steps to that school for the last 5 years of Graces life for them to spend every moment of every day with their beautiful cousin. To make every memory possible, to be in every event so closely with her that they would have all those precious moments to cherish now for the rest of their lives that they now have to live without her.  At that point, I had to pull over because I was crying so hard. I realized that, while Jim pushed so so hard to send us up there and I complained about that decision for probably the first few years constantly I, at that moment, realized that God so clearly ordered our steps to New Life for that reason alone. Grace. To be with Grace for her final years and to build a strong relationship with Evelyn that would help carry us through this very deep valley. That realization in that moment of God's bigger picture than I could see, was one of the most profound moments of my entire life.

Last night, was the sports banquet and as Brooke’s new soccer coach spoke about Brooke and seeing her play for New Life last year and how she was excited about Brooke coming back to Parkway to play soccer I smiled through my glassy eyes. Brooke was suppose to be given the #6 jersey like she had at New Life but that was taken so they gave her #5. I'm sure they didn't realize this but 5 in Biblical terms is the number of Grace. Brooke played all year with jersey #5. Pretty significant to us. My heart was again reminded last night that our choice to move them was the most perfect decision we could have every made for them. But, as tears streamed down my face, I thought 99% of the people in that room last night had no idea of what the weight of that decision to move them back held for me and how excruciating it felt to feel the guilt of seeming to choose my girls over my sister. Or the overwhelming fear I had of losing my relationship with my sister if Jim and I made that decision to move them back. Now, after the fact, I have realized that I can have both. I can love both Sara and my girls and we can still be close... it's just not at the same school. I realized again, that it was the right choice. I realized a few months ago when talking to the girls in the car that day, that moving them to New Life was also the right choice 6 years ago where they got to spend every waking moment possible with their cousins. And it was the right choice to move them back to Parkway again. All those steps were ordered by God.

Sometimes, life doesn’t make sense when you’re in the moment. Sometimes, you can’t understand if you’re going forwards or backwards. We’re not given a handbook for the exact right paths for each of our kids. We are given the Word of God to raise them up to love and follow Him but the details on what school, team, college, car, etc etc are not laid out clearly all the time for us. That’s where trust and peace come into play. All our decisions might not make sense to everyone around us. That’s alright. They don’t need to. They didn’t make sense to me 6 years ago. Now they do and I trust that God will keep ordering our steps like He always has. He is faithful to do that always and will continue.  He knows all along what He's doing. We just need to listen and follow even when it doesn't make sense.

I encourage you to do the same with your kids. Give them to God, they are a gift from Him anyways, pray for wisdom on how to raise them, where to send them and what to do. The answers might be surprising sometimes and there might be years that go by when you think, what am I doing? Is this right? Do I have the wrong direction? Then God pulls it all together and lets you know He’s had a plan all along and whispers gently to you at a sports banquet that you’re doing alright and you’re listening to Him. Just keep going because I'm confident that He’s ordering your steps, too.

And for the record, Jim was right to move them. There I admitted he was right in written form! It's a happy day for him ;)

A Father's Love

When I was 17 I had this short lived boyfriend for a few months my junior year. It was the only time in high school I had a boyfriend. I didn't date much in high school and if you knew me back then, you would know that I wasn't into anything seriously and especially not relationships I felt would hold me back. I was never the girl growing up dreaming of marriage and kids. I knew I wanted to grow up, spread my wings, travel and see the world and then eventually marry...maybe, but had a long list of things I wanted to do first. So, this short lived boyfriend confirmed that feeling of not wanting to settle down anytime soon and here's why.

His name was Matt and we dated right around my 17th birthday and into the spring. It was prom season and I had an automatic date which I thought was pretty cool. At the time we both worked at Kmart in Richmond with a bunch of our other friends. One Friday night he drove me home from work and said he was going home too. The next day I was at work and my best friend, Susan, sat down with me at lunch and said she had something she needed to tell me. She proceeded to tell me that after Matt dropped me off the night before, our common friend told her she saw him parked for the night at another girls home from school. I sat there stunned. Mad. But even deeper, I was hurt. I confronted him. Asked him why his car was parked at Dana's house for the night and he fumbled over his words as he struggled to find the right words to say to give an excuse as to why he was there. The gist of the story was, I wasn't sleeping with him and he needed that from me so went to Dana instead. He cheated on me. He said he could still take me to prom, to which my response was, nah, don't do me any favors. He ended up taking Dana to prom that year, in the limo (with a few of my other friends). I know this is all high school drama and not really considered cheating when it was only a 3 month relationship but it stung. My heart had been hurt and my parents hurt over my pain, too.

Yesterday, as I was driving, I had time to listen to some music. A few songs had been sent to me from friends and so I listened. A couple of lines though in both songs stood out to me that I had to really think about it. A sort of theme that got me really thinking.

The one song had a bridge that went like this speaking of God and where He is at:

Here in the middle of the lonely night
Here in the middle of the losing fight, You're
Here in the middle of the deep regret
Here when the healing hasn't happened yet
Here in the middle of the desert place
Here in the middle when I cannot see Your face
Here in the middle with Your outstretched arms
You can see my pain and it breaks Your heart

The other song said such similar words but just a different melody. But same concept of God being here in the midst of pain, brokeness and sees our pain and it breaks His heart.

The line that jumped out the most was 'you see my pain and it breaks your heart' as I began to process my life and how it is that our situation in life 'breaks God's heart', I asked God, how does this all break your heart when you knew what was going to happen? I know we are broken but how does your heart, God get broken? I told Jim that sometimes I feel like I'm sinking in the middle of an ocean and there are people all around but most can't see that I'm hurting still. That I'm still processing through so much of my own brokeness. That I don't feel like moving on much these days but know I have to so that's what people see...they see me moving on and doing life because what other option do I have but in my heart I feel numb, sinking and aching with pain.

As I was asking God about the accident and about Grace and the pain which is happening simultaneously with my mother in law dying in the late stages of Alzheimers. I said to God this is all too much, how do you fit into all of this?  He reminded me of the Matt story. Odd timing right? Why would that memory be called up to focus on in a time like this? These two life events are as polar opposite as can be and one was just a silly high school event while this current life situation as changed the trajectory of our entire lives.

And God spoke gently to my heart. Your earthly father adored you. He did. My dad loved us girls fiercely. I never ever had to question my dad's love for me. His love always made understanding my Heavenly Father's love easy to get. I knew my sisters and I were loved by Pete Pochodaj as completely as an imperfect daddy could love a daughter and, in turn, I've always known my perfect Heavenly Father loved me but in an even more complete way then my Earthly father did (Matthew 7:11) yet yesterday God spoke a different nuance of that love to me.

As, I remember how my dad's heart was broken over my pain and what that guy had done to me, I remember feeling my dad's anger towards him too...it was palatable. So much so that during the summer following my junior year I guess my dad saw him in a store and cornered him to 'discuss' what he had done to his daughter. My dad was an ex marine, vietnam vet so you can imagine the terror this 17 year old kid had when he was met with an angry father over what was done to one of his daughters but beyond my dad's imperfect anger was his pain over my broken heart.

My dad loved me and so does God but I never connected that with that depth of love often times comes a broken heart. My dad's heart broke from my pain because he couldn't stop this guy from doing something dumb. Matt made a stupid decision and it affected me and in turn broke my dad's heart.

Cut to, January 25, 2016, and an entirely different stupid choice was made and with far deeper consequences. A stupid man made an awful and life altering decision to get in a car while drinking and drove recklessly into my beautiful niece's car stealing her life. It broke God's heart because He loves us and out of that love, He feels our intense pain and hurt and He hurts over this for us and with us. That's the depth of love He has for us, that our pain is His pain. Like a good Earthly father hates when something hurts their child, how much more does God, our Heavenly Father ache over what happens to us? Because of that stupid man's free will, our lives have been set forevermore in a different direction without Grace....but not without God.

This thought revolutionized the way I looked at it. I have always known God is our strength in this, our peace and our comfort but to know that He grieves with us and it breaks His heart? That somehow oddly helps me a little bit more in this journey. He's not some God up there doing stuff to us to teach us a lesson (I've never believed that) and I've always known His love but I have never taken it one step further that out of His great love for us, He also feels our pain and it breaks His heart. And for some reason today that gives me comfort. He is right by our side and sees our pain and comforts us. Just like a good Earthly dad would sit on the edge of a bed and wipe away your tears, God too, catches our tears Psalm 56:8, aches over our pain Psalm 34:18 and wants nothing more than to bring comfort to our weary and aching hearts. But unlike an Earthly dad, our Heavenly Father does this in the most perfect and complete way possible.

That's true love.

Sisters

            Me holding Sara as a baby

Today is my youngest sister, Sara's, birthday. I am the oldest of 3 girls. Lisa is 18 months younger than me and was diagnosed early on as being EMI (Educationally Mentally Impaired) and Sara is 6 years younger than me.

Being the oldest of 'the girls' was always a title I wore proudly. I loved being the oldest for all the text book reasons an oldest loves for holding that title. I got to be in charge (opinionated is what I think younger siblings call it but I politely disagree 😜), I got things first...privileges, clothes....discipline, I had loads of responsibilities. I loved it and loved being that for my family even when my sisters may or may not have loved my title as much as I did.

As the oldest, the direction and request I heard most while growing up went a little something like this.  Amy, where are your sisters. Amy, watch your sisters. Amy, can you see your sisters outside? Are they in the pool? Are they alright? Amy, did you see what happened to Lisa at school today...can you explain because she isn't able to fully articulate what happened.  Amy, take your sisters to the bathroom and make sure they are alright in there. Amy, help your sister with her stuff. You get the point.

I'm grown up now and have 3 daughters of my own. Being a firstborn is probably why I love being a mom so much...wanting to protect comes natural for me. However, I find myself asking the same of my oldest, Emma now. Emma, where are your sisters? Emma, did you see what happened at school? Emma, can you walk your sisters to the bathroom and make sure they get back alright? Emma, watch out for your sisters. We all do this to our oldest kids, right? It's natural. It's like they are an extension of us as parents...a fill in when mom and dad can't be around. It's a good thing. We are teaching them to look after somebody else. We are teaching them to make sure another human being doesn't lop off a limb while using the paper cutter, or drown in the bath tub or get taken in a public bathroom.

It is ingrained into the first born of almost every good family. To protect, cover and stand up for every child younger than you.  I'm not saying we do it well. I'm just saying it is asked of us from as early as we can remember and we try (for the most part anyways...teen years may get a bit dicey if there is a boy involved) but for the most part we really do try. We try hard to protect them when our parents aren't close by, we fight for them, stand up for them and make sure they don't get hurt. I feel my desire to do this was even more heightened by having my sweet sister, Lisa to often look out for when she couldn't stand up for herself.

It has been said as the youngest in a family you get shadowed by the oldest but, as an oldest, has anyone ever considered that the younger ones don't get shadowed? Maybe the older ones, in effort to protect and pave the way, say to themselves, I'll go first to see if it's safe for you because that's what we've been told to do.  Maybe not always in that noble of terms but maybe we just want to go ahead to make sure the younger ones don't get hurt.

We are told to protect. We want to protect. We love our younger siblings and out of that fierce love we sometimes admittedly get a little over zealous with the helping out part and it lasts far longer into adulthood than it probably needs to or that we would want to admit. But we do it anyways.

Today as I wished my sister, Sara, a 'happy' birthday.  I found the 'happy' part of that phrase not applicable this year. Our family has had quite a year already (and that would be a gross understatement). When Grace was taken from us 4 months ago I had a flash back of the time my sister lost another child (yes, Sara has lost 2 children now). I remember being in the hospital after she had the surgery after her ectopic pregnancy. She lost her baby and as she was still asleep from the anesthsia, I walked into the dimly lit room and stood by her bedside. As I watched her sleep my heart broke from her loss. I draped myself over her and wept for her loss.

Four months ago, different circumstances, but I stood in a hospital waiting room next to Sara the night of Grace's accident. I just stood next to her, eyes glazed over, hands held and staring at the wall in shock. She whispered something to me that night I'll never forget and it took root in my heart but it wasn't a new emotion to me. It was a simple request yet a request I had been trying to fulfill in a myriad of different ways for my entire life with her (and Lisa). I have always loved being her big sister. It's probably one of my favorite titles I have in this world. I love her fiercely. My heart broke that night. I wanted so desperately to help make this right. To fix. To protect. To carry. To do something. Anything to take away the intensity of this pain. I still feel this way. In my mind, those requests from my parents to watch out for my sisters have never left my heart. Yet, I am helpless in doing anything but stand by her side and love her. I would give anything to take this burden from her, hide her from pain or at least offer some comic relief in the midst of it.

For the oldest, it is hardwired into our DNA to try our best to help protect, help, offer fight and opinions (even when unwanted). It is something I have had to try very hard to not do as an adult and especially lately. I can't help lessen the pain or fix what's broken and make it right. I can't. I can however love her. I can however trust that there is a bigger covering than myself. A refuge and protector much larger than any first born title I hold. And that covering is what I have leaned into most for these last four months when I haven't had the answers. When I didn't know how to make the pain go away or even how to alleviate the tiniest ounce of it for her or for anyone else in my entire family. I run to this chapter when my heart has, day in and day out, ached with an actual physical pain for her loss. For all of our loss.

This is where I find the most peace right now when all my hardwired DNA protective big sister (mom, aunt, wife, daughter) stuff is at an absolute loss for words. Right here is where I find my rest and what I have to do.

Psalm 91

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

When my heart is weary from the overwhelming pain and it can't take one ounce more of aching, I rest here on this chapter. He protects, He is our refuge and He never gets tired of hiding us under His shadow from it all.

So, while I couldn't make it a 'happy' birthday today for her, I know it is our God that has been and will be our help. I know it is Him who fights for us and protects us. So I trust in Him and I know it is His strength and shelter that is carrying us all through this storm. And there is a beautifully sweet 17 year old girl up in Heaven who knows this truth better than any of us could ever imagine because she is seeing Him do this first hand.

Hi Mercies are New

To my NLCA friends (as we enter tech week without Grace) and to everyone whose life, this loss and pain has reached or touched (or to anyone going through a difficult season) this bit of Scripture can speak so so much to us. 

Like Solomon who felt life had hit the bottom, (I think people are sometimes scared to admit they are at the bottom...but God knows where we are) Solomon choose to remember God's love and mercies. We CAN DO hard things even despite this pain. God is for us and He loves us and He knows our loss and pain. It hurts His heart, too. Have hope this morning! He is walking us all through this valley and giving us peace, comfort and hope! ❤️

I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

GOD ’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with GOD (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left.

GOD proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from GOD. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times.

When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst.

Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way: (Lamentations 3:19-33 MSG)

My Box of Chocolates

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get". We are all familiar with that quote from Forrest Gump, right?

That quote has run through my mind a few hundred times in the last couple of months. Our family has been given something quite unexpected.  Our box of chocolates have given us something we didn't think we would ever get. I mean, really, who can ever anticipate an event so tragic in life?

The night we received the call that Grace had been in a car accident (Jimmy, my brother in law, called Jim as Sara, my sister, called me to give the news to come to the hospital) each of us in different rooms simultaneously having the same shock response. Screaming and crying with horror and  disbelief...

A few pieces of chocolate that never could have been imagined....and yet here we are. My blogs are probably more like journal entries I share instead of pieces of written art, yet this is my therapy. Just like it was when my dad died.

The following thoughts are a few pieces of chocolate from my box these days. I would rather trade them in then endure this hardship but that is not our option so instead we press on and try to wrap our brains around this cross we are now forced to bare.  The following words are just a few of thoughts that race through my mind most lately:

The definition Webster gives of a niece and cousin opposed to how our family defines those terms. Webster says they are a simple blood line connection of ancestors. Yet our definition of nieces and cousins means something quite a bit deeper. It has meant living and doing life next to each other day in and day out together for the last 17 years of Gracie's life. The five of our girls have lived life so closely that most of the time the sister and cousin lines have gotten blurred. Most of the time my sister and I just referred to them as our five girls. Together. A family unbroken.

Another thought. I've wanted to explain to everyone and anyone who would listen that in many instances when you are down this deep, if you are not careful, watchful and intentional, the enemy of our souls can come in dressed like an angel of light tempting you to take up trivial causes that will steal your emotional energy needed to grieve. He tempts you to divert your attention from grief to something unproductive like anger, jealousy, bitterness and unforgiveness. I have to be intentional with this one. It is a battle I refuse to participate in or give in to. I refuse to get caught up in battles that are not mine to fight and that will take me captive. I choose instead to fight against every thing that tempts me to be filled with anything contrary to the fruits of the Spirit.

I know this happens all to often to people fighting battles where they misplace their energy on what they see in the natural thinking that is the real problem...it isn't. We are in a spiritual battle that is unseen and our enemy would like nothing more to knock you off course chasing the pain of every other thing then what you are suppose to be fighting. Grief is the only thing we are fighting through right now.  Everything else is a waste of my emotional energy. I know this is a real temptation because Satan tempted me with this after my dad died. I wanted causes to fight for. I wanted to put my emotion into anything that would take my mind off the pain I was really feeling. Fighting with and for other things gave me ample opportunities to divert my attention to something that would keep me captive. Anger, offenses, jealousy and pride were all offered up to me to steal my attention and focus on those things instead of staying the course and grieving properly.  There were ample emotions to throw myself into that were meaningless leaving me fighting things that were not mine to fight. In doing that it prolonged my grieving process. I focused on the wrong things...tripping up listening to the complaints of those around me and in doing that it met my need to fix, fight and help something tangible. Grief wasn't tangible. I needed to fight something I could see and satan gave me plenty to fight against except those things left me feeling worse than the actual grief itself. I gave too much time and emotional energy to relationships thinly veiled as friendships as I tried to help but they only drained me and bogged me down with trivial problems and insecurities and that left me taking on unnecessary pain that kept me feeling empty and more broken and angry than the actual loss of my dad.

Nope. I decided this time to not do that again. I am very aware of that temptation again this time. I choose to rise above the temptation of  taking the bait that would drain me. This life lesson is firmly intact this time around as I work through grief (I pray that I don't have another time of grief to compare this one to any time soon).

Satan wants to trip you up with anything he can in order to get you to stay stagnant in your walk with God by tempting you to let anger, jealousy, bitterness, resentment, hurt feelings and offenses in and take over. They will tear you up. Trust me. Rise above all of those things. Let them go because otherwise they will pull you under.

Another chocolate in my box right now is this. I've wanted to explain how it is that I (we) can smile at events. How can I (we) hold it together to get through a design meeting, church service, banquet, outing or whatever. It is God. Simply. It's His strength. Honestly. He gives me the strength long enough to hold it together and make it through only to get in the car and get smacked with the reality again that we are hurting. That we lost our 17 year old niece and then I sob. I mean deep ugly cry kind of sob.  It is a heart wrenching cry from the depths of who I am and for so many different reasons.

I cry from the heart break I feel for my sweet little sister who I love more than words express and that I have spent the greater part of my life wanting to be there for. I see in her eyes the pain of something awful and a thing no mother should ever have to endure. Ever. The loss of her firstborn daughter. I cry for my brother in law for the same reason and for Evelyn who won't have a sister to steal clothes from, or lay on their bed together and talk about boys with, or do their hair or nails with or be the maid of honor in each others weddings or be an aunt to each others kids...just to name a few of the myriad of things that bring a permanent ache to my heart. I cry because I can see the look of absolute pain in my sister's eyes as we knowingly look at each other and ask ourselves how? How did we get here? How do you endure this kind of pain...this kind of loss? I ask myself and God how are they going through this 'worst case scenario' kind of tragedy? How do we pick up the pieces? How do we rebuild? We don't. We know God does though.

I cry when I look into my oldest daughter, Emma's, eyes. She is so much like her daddy that it makes me proud. Her strength and wisdom is unparalleled for a 16 year old young lady. Yet the pain and loss is so evident behind her eyes. She won't announce it. She won't beg for the attention of someone to help her. She won't break down in front of the world. But I know. I know because I am her mom. I know she cries into her pillow at night. I know that she is enduring a pain so great that she can't even begin to articulate the loss of her best friend, cousin/sister. I know she puts on a face and endures walking into a school absent of her best friend and she has to walk through those halls that once brought joy but now they are the valley of the shadow of death. Every. Single. Day. Those halls are a blaring reminder of the kind of loss no teen should ever have to endure. A pain that will take years to show how deep that wound really is. She and Grace were inseparable since the day Grace came to the hospital and welcomed her into this world. Now Emma has to endure Grace leaving this same world she welcomed her into...she left to early...much to early. Their bond was an instant bond. Grace has been a staple relationship in her life when others have left. Grace has encouraged Emma. She challenged Emma. She loved Emma so completely and deeply with a love so authentic and unconditional that it leaves me praying that that love will be carried in her heart for the rest of her life. But now. Now there is just intense pain and brokenness.

I cry for my middle daughter, Brooke, because she doesn't have her big cousin to jump into the arms of anymore and hang on like a little monkey clinging to her mama as they would laugh and bounce around together. I cry for that joy taken away from her. I cry for my youngest daughter, Maya, who affectionately (for as long as I can remember) called Grace 'her twin'...Grace and Maya were the bookends of our family...they had the same heart and kindred spirit and now that is gone. This kind of pain washes over us daily, sometimes moment by moment, as we remember who we have lost.

I cry for my mom who lost her best friend six years ago now only to find herself in a different kind of grief. A grief no adult should ever have to endure. The loss of a child. A grandchild. The loss of a life not lived out. A life taken unfairly from her. From us. The most unnatural kind of grief.

I explained this to a person one week after Grace died. I said grief is a crazy thing. It makes you feel bi polar. One moment you are pulled together smiling and the next you are one big hot mess. Everyone though mostly sees you smiling and interacting and the assumption by most is that you are alright. They see that we are moving forward and we are.... for the most part.

I have tons of Scripture in my heart reminding me daily how we move forward in this. I learned from the pitfalls the last time I walked through this valley. I know that despite this box of chocolates we have been given that my God really is faithful in the midst of our storms. I can tell you how thankful I am for the valley of the shadow of death after my dad died because I have learned to lean into God in the darkest of times and watched how He carried us then just like He is now. I have seen how God is always good and loving even when life doesn't make a lick of sense. I am trusting that what the enemy did for evil God will use for good. I could tell you that our theology is sound and we understand the concept of free will and the ins and outs of its beauties and atrocities (that double edged sword we call life). I have to believe that He WILL bring beauty from this heap of ashes we are sifting through. All these thoughts run through my head daily. Moment by moment reminding me and my family that our God is bigger than anything we can see with our natural eye. He is bigger than this pain we are carrying right now. It doesn't take the pain away but these Truths keep me focused on the character of God in the midst of tragedy.

So until we make it to the other side of grief I will continue to smile at events because an ugly cry isn't socially acceptable. It makes people uncomfortable. Death and unanswered questions make people nervous. I don't know why Grace died. Why in the matter of two seconds did this man swerve and hit her killing her instantly? I don't know why but I do know that Grace loved Jesus with every ounce of her person. I do know that we will all get to see her and my daddy again one day. These facts are what keep me from going crazy. I can't ask the why's because they will hurt more than the death itself. Asking why will keep stinging with no reprieve. So instead of trying to answer the why's of this box of chocolates I instead sit and wait patiently not asking why but rather 'how'. God, how will you make this one work out for good? 

He will keep faithfully showing us the 'hows".  How we will adapt to this new normal.  Knowing God doesn't take away the pain of grief at this moment. Knowing God just gives us the hope that this pain won't ruin us. That He will faithfully carry us...just as He has in the past.  It is still a process we must endure as a family but we have hope and that our God is our help, comfort and strength.

We serve a faithful God who truly is miraculously with our broken hearts. He is binding up our wounds one stitch at a time.  Despite the fact that my world is hurting, breaking and busting at the seams in my family in every direction I look,  I know that God is with us and that is where my weary heart finds rest.

Here I sit, holding this box of chocolates. Honestly, though I can't wait for the next box to come. Maybe that box will have caramel or snickers or something good but until then I hold onto God because I am certain He holds me as I hold on to Him and walks me through all this life gives me. Unexpected to me or not He is right there in the middle of it all.

 Amy Elizabeth

Being Present in the Moment

It's been far too long since I have written a blog entry. Time flies when you're having fun? Or working or living or just keeping up. Time always seems to fly.  I have intended to write something many times over but just didn't have anything to say yet and life just happens to, well, fly. Have I mentioned that already?

The thing that has been most on my mind lately is being present in our lives. What happens when life gets too busy to keep up? What do you do when your life is ohhverwhelmed by your 'to do' lists? Do we forge ahead? Do we overlook having lunch with our mom or dad? Do we overlook all the belly laughs of our babies? Do we breeze past the opportunities to sit and listen to our teen tell us everything that happened at school that day....for the millionth time? Do we neglect a close friend or do we not stop to listen to our husband when he asks that we just sit next to him and relax or do we bypass all of those things in our lives because we take for granted that they will all be there tomorrow? Do we forfeit being present in their lives in order to cross off every item on our list so we can feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of our day?

After all, our lists and crossing the things off are what really matter most in life, right? Right? Have you been guilty of that, too? We run through the myriad of things to do in our minds so quickly that we lose focus on what really matters. Then we look around at other women and think how in the world are they doing it all? How am I not keeping up?

My husband and I went last month for 10 days to visit some of our dearest friends who are missionaries in Durban, South Africa to film their ministry and just hang out. Durban is AIDS capital of the world and that was a sobering thought as I was there. The whole trip was amazing and changed my perspective on life.  My prayer leading up to our trip and every single day of the trip (often multiple times throughout each day) was that God would allow me to be present in every moment of every day with every child and person I came into contact with. He was faithful to answer that prayer and I was able to embrace every moment I had there (that was no small feat for me).  I knew I would have to be extremely intentional in living present for that week because, if you know me well, then you know that staying still in a moment does not come natural for me.  I am one that loves to see the big picture of life and tends to run ahead quickly and eagerly to see and do it all but, in doing so, I sometimes miss the details of every day life because I'm so busy running ahead to get to it all done. I'm running and missing things in order to cross everything off my list.

When I came home I realized that my intentional prayer of living in the present while with those AIDS orphans could also translate in my own life here at home, in my kids lives, my husband's life and in the friendships around me that I hold close to my heart. As this last month has blown by I realized that I had (again) forgotten to stop and live in the moment as I said 'yes' to far too many things and quickly added them all to my 'to do' list. How can I forget how to be present in only a matter of a month? Life. Life happens and we hold on for the ride rushing around doing it all instead of realizing we can say no to a few things in order to be present in the things that really do matter.

How many times do we put off what really matters most in life in order to return an unimportant text, read a useless article that will never benefit any part of our lives, watch a tv show that maybe is a waste of our time, or take a call that we know can wait until tomorrow and in doing so, we forfeit time with our husband and kids? All in order to feel that sense of accomplishment of crossing off everything on our list only to find that tomorrow another long list of things to do awaits us again when we wake up.

I'm obviously not saying to shirk your responsibilities. I know we are all busy with our schedules, jobs and obligations. All I want to suggest to you is this...take a moment to breathe and enjoy life. Can it be that maybe we put too many things on our list that really don't need to be there?  I mean seriously there will always be more schedules, career ladders and laundry to do but you may not always have that toddler running through your house squealing play with me, mommy. Or you may not always have that teenager plop down on the couch next to you asking for advice on how to respond to that boy who just asked her for math advice but really was asking her out and used the math as an excuse, or maybe your husband may eventually get tired of asking you to sit down and watch a movie with him. You will, however, always have that list of chores, those work responsibilities and all this life stuff that will keep you so busy forging ahead that you may wake up one day to realize that you missed all those little moments of life in between the day you said 'I do' and that empty nest thing everyone talks about. For what? Laundry? A job promotion? An important position in a church ministry? (Yes, church stuff can take up time better spent with your husband and kids too if done out of proportion).

My all time favorite kids movie is Meet the Robertsons and there is a song in that movie called Little Wonders and it sings over and over again 'our lives are made in these small hours'. The weight of those words are profound. Our lives are made in the small intentional moments with our husbands and kids. It is reminder to be intentionally present in each one of your days...for your kids and for your husband. Don't let your busy life steal those small moments from you. It is hard to be intentionally present. Really, really hard when you have seemingly endless things on your list to cross off. However,  I am confident that you and I can take time from our crazy lives and take a few meaningless things off our lists of things to do to intentionally be present in the lives of those around us who we love the most.

What do you say? Down with the endless list of things to do and the dishes and laundry....go make some memories with your kids and husband! Let's be honest, they will make more laundry and dirty dishes for us tomorrow anyways, so we might as well enjoy our life before they grow up and don't want to hang out anymore because we've taught them that our lists are more important than their lives.

Let's be intentionally present today, together!

Grief & Friendship

A short blog....As I knew friends who were grieving this past wknd, I had one thought & one request to those others who have been fortunate enough to not yet have undergone the pain of grief through the death of a loved one.

 My request is simple to those of you unaffected by this personal type of grief...give those you know grieving, room. They really are overwhelmed and are not trying to hurt anyone else in their process of grief. Give them room to walk through this process and be understanding that their pain is not about you. Give them room & allow them to choose who they open up to and be alright if it's not you. It's truly not something they are doing to intentionally hurt you. They may share their pain with you, they may not. They may go inward. They may not. Grief looks different for every single person. They may instead find another who can relate to their indescribable pain more than you. That's alright, it's simply because they cannot even articulate (sometimes for years) their process of pain but rather just need someone who simply 'knows' what they are going through without explanation. 

Do not take up offense in this time. Try to be understanding & selfless in your friendship during this long season. They may choose a friend who has gone through similar pain. They may not be able to carry your burdens or complaints during this time like they did before their loss. They want to...but emotionally cannot find that extra energy to do so. 

Don't be offended if a friend can't handle your things for a season or can't open up to you during that time. It is not personal. I promise. They may not say sorry over and over again (nor should they have to say sorry for grieving or how they are doing it). They may forget to be present in your friendship during their grief because their grief was and is an overwhelming process that takes years to work through and more emotions than words can describe. Through that time friendships change. It's not fun but it is inevitable. Loss changes a person. 

Please do not be offended or hold a grudge when someone who has lost a loved one changes (they honestly wish they did not have to go through this awful process & they are aware of how they have changed..it may take years to come to terms with all the ways they've changed but they do see it) so allow them that time to work through it all. 

Don't be hurt if they are not capable of responding to you the way you need them to. Give them room. Their grief is all they can handle for that season. There might not be an apology because when a person grieves, the pain is so much to carry, a person often lets go of the trivial day to day things they were always able to keep up with only to cling to Jesus alone because they know it is Him alone that will carry them through it all. For anyone that has held an offense against someone who was grieving, your friend knows after many years go by who they have unintentionally hurt and it breaks their heart...however, grief was all they could handle at that time and your response to them shows your heart and the depth of your friendship or lack of depth your friendship has. That may determine the friendship going forward. Grief changes a person in a few hundred big ways and millions of little ways. Grief can be beyond their control. 

Don't hold the death of a loved one against your friend...one day you, too, will be walking in their shoes and you will need a friend to sit quietly next to you and simply say 'I know' and not expect one single thing more from you. This is it this month for my deep philosophical status.