Some Other Beginnings End

Remember that song Closing Time? It has one of the most profound lines of any song I've ever listened to.

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

So true, right?

Emma transferred from OU to the Fashion Institute of Technology in NY. Her first semester is here because of Covid but will most likely move out in January.

We dropped Brooke off last week states away. I cried leading up but once I dropped her off and drove off, we knew she was exactly where she was suppose to be. She hasn't proven us wrong. She's working the campus like it's nothing but her job, making friends and loving her new life (I'm a slight bit jealous that she's living down south without me but happy nonetheless for her)

Tomorrow, it is Maya's very last 1st day of high school.

Tomorrow, is my very last first day of my girls being in K-12.

Some other beginning and now it's ending. 

It wasn't so long ago when I was overwhelmed at the thought of a very important beginning. My first pregnancy. I sat there wondering how I could be in charge of another human's life. Heck, in my 20's, I wasn't even sure I was great at being in charge of my own life much less someone else's.

We live this life filled with so many beginnings and endings, right? Most of which are small insignificant beginnings and are rather unimportant in the grand scheme of our lives. Most span a short period of time and have uneventful ends and we move on to the next thing. Jobs are sometimes short lived, friendships can sometimes be like that, vacations, where you live, a hobby or even owning a pet (if you were like our family, the longest a pet made it in our home was 3 years, until Flynn, whom I am absolutely obsessed with). So many things come and go and don't span decades.

But then you have kids. You bring your first one home. You're scared of messing up. You're scared of messing THEM up. And then you begin to get the hang of it so you think hey, this parenting thing isn't so hard and you try it again and have another and maybe another. But with each one you realize it isn't that easy. It isn't a science at all. Quite literally, none of it is a no brainer. They are all COMPLETELY different so parenting each of them will take lots of prayers, lots of thinking outside of the box and not comparing one to the other. 

You parent. You put your heart and soul into decades trying to figure it all out. Trying to figure THEM all out. You try your very best to raise them into these responsible, respectful, loving, kind adults. 

If you're like me, your oldest gets to be around 14 and you begin to realize all those tired early days of parenting where you were looking at the clock hoping it would get to bedtime faster, really had gone too fast. You spent so much time hoping the weeks and seasons could go faster because you were tired. So dang tired of this hard stuff called parenting. 

Then your oldest gets to be around 8th grade or so and you realize oh, shoot, have I/we  done enough? Have we taught them enough? Have we loved them enough? Have we disciplined them enough? Have we shown them how to do things enough? You then switch gears quickly and instead of hoping things will go faster you switch to wanting them to go slower. Time, please slow down. I want more time with them. I want to spend more dinners with them. I want more conversations with them. More shopping sprees with them. More ice cream runs with them. More, more, more....just a little bit more time with them.

And then that new beginning, that new little life you brought home from the hospital is ending their child hood and some other new beginning is happening.

Nobody ever prepares you or explains to you that that overwhelming "I have no clue what I'm doing" feeling you had the night you brought that new little life home from the hospital would resurface in this new beginning called "letting go" of that little life you've poured your blood, sweat and tears into. Now they are ready to do this "on my own, mom" just like they said when they were learning to ride a bike, except now you can't run behind them ready to catch them if they fall. You just are told, ok, now it's time to let go. Crazy, right?!

So many of you are right next to me entering this new season. A new beginning from that other beginning's end. So many of us are going into our own verions of "every new beginning coming from some other beginning's end". Those physically exhausting days of newborns, toddlers and running from one sporting event to the next as they got into elementary, junior and senior high have almost come to an end. We are all starting something new now. It went just as fast as our own parents warned us it would, didn't it? 

My husband and I aren't old (well sometimes my body feels old when I carry too many groceries in at a time) but generally speaking we aren't old, we're still in our 40's but we are sitting here going, well, now what? What's our new beginning look like? We've spent the greater part of the last 2 decades of our lives together raising these 3 people and now it's coming to an end. 

I never really knew what the song closing time meant. In the 90's I thought it was talking about a bar and a 2am closing time but then I looked it up. 

The artist began to write the song for bars closing but then his wife got pregnant and their daughter was born prematurely. She had to stay in the hospital for a year. On the day he finally got to bring his daughter home, this song was released. He writes in an article later explaining that this song was more about the story of a life. He knew who he wanted to to bring home. His daughter. (a line in the song goes, I know who I want to bring me home). It was the end of her stay in the hospital and now they were bringing her home and beginning a new life. 

Not much different than all of us parents who've sent our "babies" away to college right? I want to bring them home but they are starting their own new beginning's now. Lots of new chapters for them to all write. Lots of new beginnings for them to experience. We can sit back and breathe now. 

You done good. To all you mamma's and dad's out there hoping you did enough. You did. You taught enough. You loved enough. You did it. You made it. They made it. Nobody shot an eye out. Nobody got permanently lost in a park or grocery store. They are loving. They are responsible (for the most part). They are even clean (well, let's not get crazy, we still may need to keep teaching that part). 😉 This beginning we started so so many years ago has ended and now we are on to the next new adventure...how hard can this part be, right? Kids being away at college is easy peesy, right? Well, don't answer that...let me just enjoy the quiet for a moment while I plan what my next new beginning will be! I've been thinking of ideas for years now.

But rest assured we are all doing this together and trying to figure this part out just like we tried to figure out how to clip a newborns teeny tiny fingernails while they were squirming around...that was easy right?! I'm sure this next beginning will be just that easy too 😉 

To steal a line from the song for my closing "It's closing time, it's time for you to go out into the world". It's time, we obviously aren't done parenting (not even close) but we are in the process of letting go and letting them make their own new beginnings. Praying for all of you in this next season and for your hearts, we've got this! Better yet, God's got them and that helps me close out this chapter and trusting the next.

Introducing E-Design

The Day I Stopped Praying

I used to blog all the time. It was my outlet. A way to tell the world my thoughts. I’ve been busy lately though, really really busy. Everyone is, right? We are all running around trying to keep up. Sometimes too busy to stop and look around us to see what’s happening.

Last week, Tuesday, my girls came home from school and FaceTimed me with their phone turned outwards in the basement. I heard rushing water, a sound not fit for a basement. Our basement had flooded everywhere. Everywhere. Water in every part of the floor, in every room, over everything carpeted and upholstered. I told them I would be home in 15 minutes. I turned around from where I was heading to and came back and assess the damage. I don’t get overwhelmed much. I’m an eternal optimist and try to always keep a right perspective. Not a lot shakes me up but as I walked down into my new “pool” formerly known as my finished basement, I stood there for a moment, paralyzed and not knowing where to start. I kept thinking, I’m a designer I should know how to fix this. As I ran through the rolodex of my contractors in my mind, trying to think of a name to call, I got a text from a friend. My daughter had told her daughter our basement had flooded (word travels fast with teens). My friend said I heard your basement is flooded here is a name of a restoration company to call and I’m coming over to help get everything out of the basement with you. I called her and just said, I’m at my bottom. I can’t take one more thing happening in our lives. I can’t. She said I know but you can and I’m coming over. And she did. And so did my mom and the restoration guy. 4 fans, 1 dehumidifier and an entire basement of soaked padding and carpet later, we have a claim and new carpet coming. No memory stuff was lost. Just stuff. It was taken care of.

We went a couple more days into the week and we had another situation with my mother in law who is in the late stages of Alzheimer’s. That time we had no help. We just muddled through the best we knew how because situations with her happen almost on a weekly basis at this point.

Life throws some hard punches at times. Some times it hits harder for some people more than others. Sometimes it shifts and those other people get hit hard while us others are recouping.

Jim laughs at me because every now and then I throw on some old school Keith Green to remind me of what our walk in this life should really look like. Good ole’ extreme living, unashamed, uncompromised and doing something with life more than simply being busy and existing.

By the end of the week I felt so beat up. If I can be painfully honest I said that’s it. I had reached my limit of punches and I was done. I’ve been swinging for years now and I. Was. Over. It. I don’t know what “done” looks like but I had reached it and I wanted off this crazy train of one fire after the next having to be put out for years now. I was sick of all these problems and I thought if a person had only 1 of these problems they would be self medicating and here we have I don’t even know how many!  But by the end of Friday night though, I stopped being dramatic and feeling sorry for myself. I put on Keith Green and started to listen to the words of my favorite song of his, Asleep in the LightLink here . I began to process through a lot of things but mostly how we do church here in this country and what we do as Christians when people are going through something hard a lot of times. We see a post or hear of someone going through something and we give our pat Christian answer...praying 🙏🏼 and then we go about our day, cross it off our list because after all we said we prayed for them so that should cover them but more importantly, it should cover us so we don’t feel too bad about our busy lives and how these lives just cannot hold one more thing in them and our lives sure as heck can’t take on somebody else’s problems. So a prayer should hold them over. The crazy thing is, are we even praying for them at all or are those just empty words like how are you, have a great day, get well soon? I sometimes wonder if the “praying 🙏🏼” is in the same category as those other pleasantries. Don’t get me wrong, we need people praying and those who REALLY are praying, we need you, desperately because prayer changes things and I know that in my own life and can feel when someone really is praying for me but the casual praying emoticons, is that doing anything to help anyone?

Keith Green talks about the Church being asleep in the light...meaning we aren’t awake, aren’t alive and sure as heck aren’t doing much for anyone else around us. He sings about that Scripture verse in James “Go in peace, good day and we go about your way but what good is it if we aren’t helping each other” and he rebukes us, the Church, for doing that very thing. Our empty words and pleasantries that have no action to them and especially if you’re not even praying. It’s not the praying that’s the problem, it’s the words with no actions that are the problem.

I’ve made it my goal to stop saying “praying 🙏🏼“  for everyone unless I really am praying but more than that, unless I start actually doing something about it while praying. I want to assume that once someone says please pray for me, they are at a breaking point and I want to help them and not look the other way because I am busy. When my friend came over and rolled up her sleeves and helped move a ton of junk out of my basement, I was inspired to live that way. I thought, that’s how we should live. That’s what the Church looks like to me. I don’t want to be that person that casually says hey I’ll pray but I never do anything to help or support. What good is anything if I never get my hands dirty with anything anyone is going through? It’s lonely to fight battles alone. I know there are times when we have to do things alone but many many more times in Scripture we are called to live this life together. Living life as the Church should consist of more than praying emoticons or prayer chains of emails saying we will pray but never really coming in contact with each other’s messy lives. It calls us to carry one another’s burdens and we can’t do that from a distance unwilling to get in, support or help.

So, I’m not really going to stop praying but I am going to make it my goal this year to not be so passive with those words. I know what it’s like to hear people casually say I’m praying but never really do much past that. I want to try my hardest to not be that person. I want to be a doer. I want to be the person who sits across from a hurting person and wipes away their tears or just listens, encourages, does small gestures, that I be a person who does something..anything. Who’s with me? Can we please wake up and slow our lives down a half a second to look around at those of us who are drowning in a flooded basement and  roll up our sleeves and help (and, hey, you can even say a prayer while you’re helping 😉)!

Endurance

This year has been arguably the most complex year of my life. It has been a year of extremes. Celebrating my girls and all their accomplishments, excited about them all being in high school together at the same time (a year we have talked about since Maya was born), my business exploding to the point I had to begin to turn down work because I wanted to stay balanced and present in these final years of my girls at home in school still, and a marriage of almost 20 years and the pride of weathering more storms than we could count and coming out stronger each time.

The other extreme though was this has been one the most difficult years of my life as the reality of the second year without Grace has beaten me into the ground more times than I care to admit. Trying to wrap my head around her being gone and the aftermath of that loss is something I grapple with daily. It is setting in in the most intense and real way while overlapping my mom in law dying in the late stages of Alzheimer's with no real clear understanding of how long this pain staking journey lasts for. It's watching my husband be the main care taker of her in this disease as it ravages her brain and steals her from us mentally while leaving her body still with us.

It's the year of extremes. Guilt and joy, anger and forgiveness, holding on to memories and letting go of those things that would hold me back. It's been the year where I have second guessed myself most. I have known what it felt like to sink and not catch my breath. I have understood peace when it didn't make sense. I have understood what it felt like to be misunderstood. To not be known. To be known. To be guarded. To be vulnerable. I've learned that I don't hate alcohol because of Christianity but hate it because of the industry and what it steals from families. I've learned about relationships and expectations. I've learned more about the Church. I've learned again the power of worship versus performance and what both can offer and take away. I've learned how to give up and how to get up and keep going. I've felt hopelessness, I've known hope, I've heard pain in voices, seen emptiness in eyes and felt strength in the middle of darkness. I've had moments when a myriad of emotions all co existed when "happy" events were taking place. I've felt the shame of trying to be happy yet feeling empty in the midst of an event for more reasons than I could articulate. But one theme has remained constant in my mind in this season. Endurance.

We live in an instant culture. In an age of apps. In a world where if we want a table in a restaurant we go on an app so we don't have to wait in line, if we need a license renewed with go online to get our number so we can walk in and not wait. Groceries? Click, pull up and they load it in (I do love that one ;). We want to talk without being talked to, we instantly snap, say what we want and leave it. We drive up and quickly drive through every part of our lives. We want things done instantly. My clients do this all the time. They ask can this whole job be done in two weeks. I smile and cautiously explain that big results are a process and take time to get. Yet, everything in this culture is expected to be accomplished quickly. But then something happens in our lives where we can't click an app and get it done or go through it immediately. We panic in this culture when we can't go through something quick enough. We get very uncomfortable with those around us who are taking too much time to process through anything really because it blatantly reminds us that there are still things in this life that can't be rushed or accomplished instantly.

The reality of the Gospel isn't how fast we run the race and get through each leg. The Gospel speaks more into how we run this race. God speaks more about the endurance then swiftness. More about the heart then the accomplishments. In this culture, we hate that idea though of taking time to go through something. We don't like endurance. It isn't enjoyable. It isn't, well...instant. What does the word endurance even mean?

Endurance:  to hold up under pressure, to power through and endure in unpleasant or difficult times and situations, the ability or strength to continue or last especially despite fatigue, stress or other adverse conditions; stamina

That does not sound pleasant or something we want to sign up for, right? Yet, it is the very thing our faith is built the most from. It's the very place where we are pressed to see what and who we really believe in. Endurance is what builds character (and hope) most in us yet it's the thing we try to brush off and not do. We want a quick fix instead and the Word of God says no. You can't build character quickly. You can't learn how to perservere and hold on unless you know how to endure. And so our circumstances, if we let them, will be our teacher

The Scripture I have used most this year is this:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12: 1-3

I have grabbed onto a few facts from this life giving verse that have helped in my darkest moments this year:

• Jesus saw the joy set before him. He knew that that was past what He had to endure and so He endured the cross. I think that has been my key this year to not fully giving up and throwing in the towel and saying that's it...I quit, I'd like to trade in my life for somebody's much easier life. There is something that is past the enduring a difficult season part of our lives. There is a hope and a joy to hold onto. Something to look to. Someone to hold on to

• There are a huge amount of people (witnesses) surrounding us and cheering us on (I can hear my dad and Grace cheering)

• It's alright (and necessary at times) to throw off the things that weigh us down when we are in this mode of enduring through intense times. And that doesn't mean sin stuff (that's the second part of that sentence) that means maybe some of the stuff that is just hindering or pulling us down. Sometimes we just need to focus on enduring and not on a bunch of other stuff that may not have eternal value

• And run. Running is a process. It takes more time and effort than just clicking an app and immediately getting through it with immediate results. We know we are running towards something. We have the joy of knowing we are running towards our eternity with Him. Our eternity with those people in that great cloud of witnesses.

• And that, when we focus and keep our eyes on who Jesus is and what He went through, that gives us hope that we, too, can endure this life no matter what it looks like or what it throws at us

The First5 app, has been doing a study on the book of Job. I cannot even begin to tell you how much it has helped me this month in understanding what it looks like to endure and what God does in the middle of it.  That even when Job is mad, depressed, at the point of giving up...he doesn't. He holds on and endures through all that is thrown at him. He at the end realizes God is bigger than all his pain and heartache but more importantly, God is with him. He is close and He cares. That is profound. He is enduring the worst types of hardship but God never left his side. God listened. He was present.

I'm learning. I'm accepting that this leg of my race isn't instant app worthy. I can't click and get through it quickly. I can't order endurance and pick it up in an hour and be done with this part of the journey. But I can, through this, learn what it means to focus on the joy ahead of me. I can learn that when I fix my eyes on Jesus, I am strengthened by the fact that He won't leave my side.

Maybe, I can encourage a few people along the way, that it's alright in this culture to still understand what it means to hold on unswervingly to our faith despite our circumstances. Maybe I can learn and in turn, help others learn too what it means to endure in a culture that wants immediate results. What it means to not give up hope no matter how dark our night gets or how long it takes. My focus is growing closer to God in the midst of this all and hearing His voice as I learn how to endure.

And who knows, maybe even one day He will even bring purpose from this leg of the race. I heard He does things like that

New Life, Parkway and Soccer #5

I’m not sure if this is important to anyone or if this is just me that needs to write this to get it out...but here it goes. An explanation the best way I know how. In written form.

Parenting decisions can be tough. Right? So many variables and each child is so different and what they each need can be so different. I will try to make this as short and succinct as I can without getting too wordy. Well, I will at least try :)

7 years ago when my dad died, my husband felt very strongly that it would be the best choice for our girls to send them to the school where their cousins were so, we as a family, could be together. He thought it would be a good idea for me to be close to my sister during our grief and well beyond and for our girls to be with their cousins. I fought him. I fought him tooth and nail. I begged to not send me back to where I grew up. I’m not a country girl. I never was but there I sat with a decision to be made to go back to where I came from. 

Do I say yes to take the girls out of their school and place them up with their cousins and me with my sister (which that part I loved...it was the drive and disconnect from my life down here that I didn’t want to leave) or keep them where they were. Jim was very adamant about this decision to send the girls up to the school with their cousins at New Life. I finally acquiesced. 

For the first few years I begged him to let us go back to Parkway. Not for any other reason other than the fact that I knew the area around New Life wasn’t our community we were living in. We were so far away. I watched the girls build friendships and fit the best we good despite that though. Great school. Great people. It just always came back to the distance and how far removed from the community up there we were but everyone was so awesome at including the girls despite that distance.

The summer of 2015 before the 2015/16 school year began, maybe Jim got tired of me begging him to lessen our drive and let us go back to Parkway or maybe it was just coincidence that the subject came up again one summer night that we take them back to Parkway. I think the thought of driving that far weighed on us all as we looked to start that upcoming school year. Truth be told, at that point, I had settled into the fact that this is where the girls were going to stay. I had realized that it wasn’t about me it was about them anyways. I had begun to make a few friends and the girls were doing well so quite honestly I had given up asking him for us to go back.  The subject, however, came up that summer night that what if they went back to Parkway. We talked about our community and how our church and a lot of the people there overlapped into Parkway. The girls still had friends there and the drive was much less. We discussed that option as we talked about sports and events just being closer and friends being significantly closer and us not being so far removed from a community of people like we were up at New Life. Emma, however, was adamant though that we stay one more year for Grace’s senior year.  We all agreed that that was the best choice. We decided to re visit the option of leaving after Grace graduated in 2016.  A decision I would later come to realize was the most profound and necessary decision of Emma’s life to date. So we stayed.

Obviously, you know the rest of the story. Grace’s accident happened 3 weeks into the new year of 2016 and changed the trajectory of our entire lives and will for the remainder of all our lives I'm sure. 

We grappled with, what I felt was the worst decision of my entire life, as we began to watch grief unfold in my girls. I had told my sister that we had wanted to send the girls back to Parkway after Grace had graduated but said after the accident that we would stay at the school for them as long as needed instead now. 

Like I said though I began to watch grief unfold for our girls and, for more reasons then I could write or even articulate at this point, it began to be very very clear that we were to take them out of New Life and send them back to Parkway. Reasons, that I told several people from New Life, were beyond what I could explain. It was more of a just ‘knowing’ that they needed to live out the rest of their schooling in a building that was separate from a reminder around every corner of Grace.

We wanted the girls to all grieve at their own pace without being thrust into or forced into talking about or facing every detail constantly but rather give them the ability to process their own grief at their own pace apart from everyone watching them. We wanted them to be able to cycle through it without onlookers.

This is where the parenting decision making is tough. I told a mom at New Life, that nobody pulls you to the side when you have a baby and gives you a handbook on how to raise kids in the event of extreme, untimely and tragic death. Nobody told us how to do this. We just were two parents, praying and trying our best to protect our kids and guide them through extreme loss when even we were turned upside down in shock and grief. We also knew that you were not suppose to make big life decisions that first year of grief. We fully believe that God, in His mercy and wisdom, went ahead of us and the day before the accident we went to a Parkway open house so that God could remind me that we made the decision apart from and before our intense grief not in the midst of it. God was so faithful to do this for us.

It was the worst decision for me personally though because I felt like I had to choose between staying and supporting my sister or leaving and choosing my girls (which I later realized was not the case bc I found out I could choose both her and them but be in a different place but felt like it during that season). My decision was excrutiating though and one that I did not take lightly. I prayed and prayed for guidance to know what was the right decision. Jim and I finally had peace and knew we were suppose to take the girls out and send them back to Parkway. 

We knew that people were going to ask questions, we knew people were going to question how I could leave my sister at a time like this (I had one mom tell me she would fill in for me as the sister roll to Sara if I left...that felt wonderful), we knew it wasn’t going to make sense to most people, heck, it wasn’t fully making sense to us either. We just knew we had a peace knowing that this was the very right decision for our girls. We went forward with our decision. Bumpy. Haphazard. Not perfect. But sincerely and genuinly about the well being of our girls. Maybe not a choice everyone would have chosen but again each child needs different things and each family is responsible to God for the kids they have been entrusted to by him and Jim and I take this responsibility very very seriously.

And so they started back at Parkway for the 2016/17 school year. Confirmation was given with every step that this was exactly the perfect decision for all 3 of our girls. And with each confirmation, I would point out to the girls how God has confirmed over and over again that we have them in the exact right place for them.

A few months ago, as the girls and I were driving home, I off handedly made a comment that we wasted the last 5 years of our lives driving up so far to New Life and should have just stayed put at Parkway. There was a long pause from all 3 of them (they all looked at each other as if they had talked about that subject many many times before without me....sisters do that kind of stuff) and they slowly proceeded and said mom, can you promise us that you will never say that those 5 years were wasted ever again? I paused because they were all very serious and honestly we are never that serious so I was stopped cold....I slowly asked why, girls? With tears in one of their eyes, they slowly said it wasn’t a mistake to be up there....it was an act of God. They proceeded to tell me that He directed our steps to that school for the last 5 years of Graces life for them to spend every moment of every day with their beautiful cousin. To make every memory possible, to be in every event so closely with her that they would have all those precious moments to cherish now for the rest of their lives that they now have to live without her.  At that point, I had to pull over because I was crying so hard. I realized that, while Jim pushed so so hard to send us up there and I complained about that decision for probably the first few years constantly I, at that moment, realized that God so clearly ordered our steps to New Life for that reason alone. Grace. To be with Grace for her final years and to build a strong relationship with Evelyn that would help carry us through this very deep valley. That realization in that moment of God's bigger picture than I could see, was one of the most profound moments of my entire life.

Last night, was the sports banquet and as Brooke’s new soccer coach spoke about Brooke and seeing her play for New Life last year and how she was excited about Brooke coming back to Parkway to play soccer I smiled through my glassy eyes. Brooke was suppose to be given the #6 jersey like she had at New Life but that was taken so they gave her #5. I'm sure they didn't realize this but 5 in Biblical terms is the number of Grace. Brooke played all year with jersey #5. Pretty significant to us. My heart was again reminded last night that our choice to move them was the most perfect decision we could have every made for them. But, as tears streamed down my face, I thought 99% of the people in that room last night had no idea of what the weight of that decision to move them back held for me and how excruciating it felt to feel the guilt of seeming to choose my girls over my sister. Or the overwhelming fear I had of losing my relationship with my sister if Jim and I made that decision to move them back. Now, after the fact, I have realized that I can have both. I can love both Sara and my girls and we can still be close... it's just not at the same school. I realized again, that it was the right choice. I realized a few months ago when talking to the girls in the car that day, that moving them to New Life was also the right choice 6 years ago where they got to spend every waking moment possible with their cousins. And it was the right choice to move them back to Parkway again. All those steps were ordered by God.

Sometimes, life doesn’t make sense when you’re in the moment. Sometimes, you can’t understand if you’re going forwards or backwards. We’re not given a handbook for the exact right paths for each of our kids. We are given the Word of God to raise them up to love and follow Him but the details on what school, team, college, car, etc etc are not laid out clearly all the time for us. That’s where trust and peace come into play. All our decisions might not make sense to everyone around us. That’s alright. They don’t need to. They didn’t make sense to me 6 years ago. Now they do and I trust that God will keep ordering our steps like He always has. He is faithful to do that always and will continue.  He knows all along what He's doing. We just need to listen and follow even when it doesn't make sense.

I encourage you to do the same with your kids. Give them to God, they are a gift from Him anyways, pray for wisdom on how to raise them, where to send them and what to do. The answers might be surprising sometimes and there might be years that go by when you think, what am I doing? Is this right? Do I have the wrong direction? Then God pulls it all together and lets you know He’s had a plan all along and whispers gently to you at a sports banquet that you’re doing alright and you’re listening to Him. Just keep going because I'm confident that He’s ordering your steps, too.

And for the record, Jim was right to move them. There I admitted he was right in written form! It's a happy day for him ;)

A Father's Love

When I was 17 I had this short lived boyfriend for a few months my junior year. It was the only time in high school I had a boyfriend. I didn't date much in high school and if you knew me back then, you would know that I wasn't into anything seriously and especially not relationships I felt would hold me back. I was never the girl growing up dreaming of marriage and kids. I knew I wanted to grow up, spread my wings, travel and see the world and then eventually marry...maybe, but had a long list of things I wanted to do first. So, this short lived boyfriend confirmed that feeling of not wanting to settle down anytime soon and here's why.

His name was Matt and we dated right around my 17th birthday and into the spring. It was prom season and I had an automatic date which I thought was pretty cool. At the time we both worked at Kmart in Richmond with a bunch of our other friends. One Friday night he drove me home from work and said he was going home too. The next day I was at work and my best friend, Susan, sat down with me at lunch and said she had something she needed to tell me. She proceeded to tell me that after Matt dropped me off the night before, our common friend told her she saw him parked for the night at another girls home from school. I sat there stunned. Mad. But even deeper, I was hurt. I confronted him. Asked him why his car was parked at Dana's house for the night and he fumbled over his words as he struggled to find the right words to say to give an excuse as to why he was there. The gist of the story was, I wasn't sleeping with him and he needed that from me so went to Dana instead. He cheated on me. He said he could still take me to prom, to which my response was, nah, don't do me any favors. He ended up taking Dana to prom that year, in the limo (with a few of my other friends). I know this is all high school drama and not really considered cheating when it was only a 3 month relationship but it stung. My heart had been hurt and my parents hurt over my pain, too.

Yesterday, as I was driving, I had time to listen to some music. A few songs had been sent to me from friends and so I listened. A couple of lines though in both songs stood out to me that I had to really think about it. A sort of theme that got me really thinking.

The one song had a bridge that went like this speaking of God and where He is at:

Here in the middle of the lonely night
Here in the middle of the losing fight, You're
Here in the middle of the deep regret
Here when the healing hasn't happened yet
Here in the middle of the desert place
Here in the middle when I cannot see Your face
Here in the middle with Your outstretched arms
You can see my pain and it breaks Your heart

The other song said such similar words but just a different melody. But same concept of God being here in the midst of pain, brokeness and sees our pain and it breaks His heart.

The line that jumped out the most was 'you see my pain and it breaks your heart' as I began to process my life and how it is that our situation in life 'breaks God's heart', I asked God, how does this all break your heart when you knew what was going to happen? I know we are broken but how does your heart, God get broken? I told Jim that sometimes I feel like I'm sinking in the middle of an ocean and there are people all around but most can't see that I'm hurting still. That I'm still processing through so much of my own brokeness. That I don't feel like moving on much these days but know I have to so that's what people see...they see me moving on and doing life because what other option do I have but in my heart I feel numb, sinking and aching with pain.

As I was asking God about the accident and about Grace and the pain which is happening simultaneously with my mother in law dying in the late stages of Alzheimers. I said to God this is all too much, how do you fit into all of this?  He reminded me of the Matt story. Odd timing right? Why would that memory be called up to focus on in a time like this? These two life events are as polar opposite as can be and one was just a silly high school event while this current life situation as changed the trajectory of our entire lives.

And God spoke gently to my heart. Your earthly father adored you. He did. My dad loved us girls fiercely. I never ever had to question my dad's love for me. His love always made understanding my Heavenly Father's love easy to get. I knew my sisters and I were loved by Pete Pochodaj as completely as an imperfect daddy could love a daughter and, in turn, I've always known my perfect Heavenly Father loved me but in an even more complete way then my Earthly father did (Matthew 7:11) yet yesterday God spoke a different nuance of that love to me.

As, I remember how my dad's heart was broken over my pain and what that guy had done to me, I remember feeling my dad's anger towards him too...it was palatable. So much so that during the summer following my junior year I guess my dad saw him in a store and cornered him to 'discuss' what he had done to his daughter. My dad was an ex marine, vietnam vet so you can imagine the terror this 17 year old kid had when he was met with an angry father over what was done to one of his daughters but beyond my dad's imperfect anger was his pain over my broken heart.

My dad loved me and so does God but I never connected that with that depth of love often times comes a broken heart. My dad's heart broke from my pain because he couldn't stop this guy from doing something dumb. Matt made a stupid decision and it affected me and in turn broke my dad's heart.

Cut to, January 25, 2016, and an entirely different stupid choice was made and with far deeper consequences. A stupid man made an awful and life altering decision to get in a car while drinking and drove recklessly into my beautiful niece's car stealing her life. It broke God's heart because He loves us and out of that love, He feels our intense pain and hurt and He hurts over this for us and with us. That's the depth of love He has for us, that our pain is His pain. Like a good Earthly father hates when something hurts their child, how much more does God, our Heavenly Father ache over what happens to us? Because of that stupid man's free will, our lives have been set forevermore in a different direction without Grace....but not without God.

This thought revolutionized the way I looked at it. I have always known God is our strength in this, our peace and our comfort but to know that He grieves with us and it breaks His heart? That somehow oddly helps me a little bit more in this journey. He's not some God up there doing stuff to us to teach us a lesson (I've never believed that) and I've always known His love but I have never taken it one step further that out of His great love for us, He also feels our pain and it breaks His heart. And for some reason today that gives me comfort. He is right by our side and sees our pain and comforts us. Just like a good Earthly dad would sit on the edge of a bed and wipe away your tears, God too, catches our tears Psalm 56:8, aches over our pain Psalm 34:18 and wants nothing more than to bring comfort to our weary and aching hearts. But unlike an Earthly dad, our Heavenly Father does this in the most perfect and complete way possible.

That's true love.

Sisters

            Me holding Sara as a baby

Today is my youngest sister, Sara's, birthday. I am the oldest of 3 girls. Lisa is 18 months younger than me and was diagnosed early on as being EMI (Educationally Mentally Impaired) and Sara is 6 years younger than me.

Being the oldest of 'the girls' was always a title I wore proudly. I loved being the oldest for all the text book reasons an oldest loves for holding that title. I got to be in charge (opinionated is what I think younger siblings call it but I politely disagree 😜), I got things first...privileges, clothes....discipline, I had loads of responsibilities. I loved it and loved being that for my family even when my sisters may or may not have loved my title as much as I did.

As the oldest, the direction and request I heard most while growing up went a little something like this.  Amy, where are your sisters. Amy, watch your sisters. Amy, can you see your sisters outside? Are they in the pool? Are they alright? Amy, did you see what happened to Lisa at school today...can you explain because she isn't able to fully articulate what happened.  Amy, take your sisters to the bathroom and make sure they are alright in there. Amy, help your sister with her stuff. You get the point.

I'm grown up now and have 3 daughters of my own. Being a firstborn is probably why I love being a mom so much...wanting to protect comes natural for me. However, I find myself asking the same of my oldest, Emma now. Emma, where are your sisters? Emma, did you see what happened at school? Emma, can you walk your sisters to the bathroom and make sure they get back alright? Emma, watch out for your sisters. We all do this to our oldest kids, right? It's natural. It's like they are an extension of us as parents...a fill in when mom and dad can't be around. It's a good thing. We are teaching them to look after somebody else. We are teaching them to make sure another human being doesn't lop off a limb while using the paper cutter, or drown in the bath tub or get taken in a public bathroom.

It is ingrained into the first born of almost every good family. To protect, cover and stand up for every child younger than you.  I'm not saying we do it well. I'm just saying it is asked of us from as early as we can remember and we try (for the most part anyways...teen years may get a bit dicey if there is a boy involved) but for the most part we really do try. We try hard to protect them when our parents aren't close by, we fight for them, stand up for them and make sure they don't get hurt. I feel my desire to do this was even more heightened by having my sweet sister, Lisa to often look out for when she couldn't stand up for herself.

It has been said as the youngest in a family you get shadowed by the oldest but, as an oldest, has anyone ever considered that the younger ones don't get shadowed? Maybe the older ones, in effort to protect and pave the way, say to themselves, I'll go first to see if it's safe for you because that's what we've been told to do.  Maybe not always in that noble of terms but maybe we just want to go ahead to make sure the younger ones don't get hurt.

We are told to protect. We want to protect. We love our younger siblings and out of that fierce love we sometimes admittedly get a little over zealous with the helping out part and it lasts far longer into adulthood than it probably needs to or that we would want to admit. But we do it anyways.

Today as I wished my sister, Sara, a 'happy' birthday.  I found the 'happy' part of that phrase not applicable this year. Our family has had quite a year already (and that would be a gross understatement). When Grace was taken from us 4 months ago I had a flash back of the time my sister lost another child (yes, Sara has lost 2 children now). I remember being in the hospital after she had the surgery after her ectopic pregnancy. She lost her baby and as she was still asleep from the anesthsia, I walked into the dimly lit room and stood by her bedside. As I watched her sleep my heart broke from her loss. I draped myself over her and wept for her loss.

Four months ago, different circumstances, but I stood in a hospital waiting room next to Sara the night of Grace's accident. I just stood next to her, eyes glazed over, hands held and staring at the wall in shock. She whispered something to me that night I'll never forget and it took root in my heart but it wasn't a new emotion to me. It was a simple request yet a request I had been trying to fulfill in a myriad of different ways for my entire life with her (and Lisa). I have always loved being her big sister. It's probably one of my favorite titles I have in this world. I love her fiercely. My heart broke that night. I wanted so desperately to help make this right. To fix. To protect. To carry. To do something. Anything to take away the intensity of this pain. I still feel this way. In my mind, those requests from my parents to watch out for my sisters have never left my heart. Yet, I am helpless in doing anything but stand by her side and love her. I would give anything to take this burden from her, hide her from pain or at least offer some comic relief in the midst of it.

For the oldest, it is hardwired into our DNA to try our best to help protect, help, offer fight and opinions (even when unwanted). It is something I have had to try very hard to not do as an adult and especially lately. I can't help lessen the pain or fix what's broken and make it right. I can't. I can however love her. I can however trust that there is a bigger covering than myself. A refuge and protector much larger than any first born title I hold. And that covering is what I have leaned into most for these last four months when I haven't had the answers. When I didn't know how to make the pain go away or even how to alleviate the tiniest ounce of it for her or for anyone else in my entire family. I run to this chapter when my heart has, day in and day out, ached with an actual physical pain for her loss. For all of our loss.

This is where I find the most peace right now when all my hardwired DNA protective big sister (mom, aunt, wife, daughter) stuff is at an absolute loss for words. Right here is where I find my rest and what I have to do.

Psalm 91

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

When my heart is weary from the overwhelming pain and it can't take one ounce more of aching, I rest here on this chapter. He protects, He is our refuge and He never gets tired of hiding us under His shadow from it all.

So, while I couldn't make it a 'happy' birthday today for her, I know it is our God that has been and will be our help. I know it is Him who fights for us and protects us. So I trust in Him and I know it is His strength and shelter that is carrying us all through this storm. And there is a beautifully sweet 17 year old girl up in Heaven who knows this truth better than any of us could ever imagine because she is seeing Him do this first hand.

Hi Mercies are New

To my NLCA friends (as we enter tech week without Grace) and to everyone whose life, this loss and pain has reached or touched (or to anyone going through a difficult season) this bit of Scripture can speak so so much to us. 

Like Solomon who felt life had hit the bottom, (I think people are sometimes scared to admit they are at the bottom...but God knows where we are) Solomon choose to remember God's love and mercies. We CAN DO hard things even despite this pain. God is for us and He loves us and He knows our loss and pain. It hurts His heart, too. Have hope this morning! He is walking us all through this valley and giving us peace, comfort and hope! ❤️

I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

GOD ’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with GOD (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left.

GOD proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from GOD. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times.

When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst.

Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way: (Lamentations 3:19-33 MSG)

My Box of Chocolates

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get". We are all familiar with that quote from Forrest Gump, right?

That quote has run through my mind a few hundred times in the last couple of months. Our family has been given something quite unexpected.  Our box of chocolates have given us something we didn't think we would ever get. I mean, really, who can ever anticipate an event so tragic in life?

The night we received the call that Grace had been in a car accident (Jimmy, my brother in law, called Jim as Sara, my sister, called me to give the news to come to the hospital) each of us in different rooms simultaneously having the same shock response. Screaming and crying with horror and  disbelief...

A few pieces of chocolate that never could have been imagined....and yet here we are. My blogs are probably more like journal entries I share instead of pieces of written art, yet this is my therapy. Just like it was when my dad died.

The following thoughts are a few pieces of chocolate from my box these days. I would rather trade them in then endure this hardship but that is not our option so instead we press on and try to wrap our brains around this cross we are now forced to bare.  The following words are just a few of thoughts that race through my mind most lately:

The definition Webster gives of a niece and cousin opposed to how our family defines those terms. Webster says they are a simple blood line connection of ancestors. Yet our definition of nieces and cousins means something quite a bit deeper. It has meant living and doing life next to each other day in and day out together for the last 17 years of Gracie's life. The five of our girls have lived life so closely that most of the time the sister and cousin lines have gotten blurred. Most of the time my sister and I just referred to them as our five girls. Together. A family unbroken.

Another thought. I've wanted to explain to everyone and anyone who would listen that in many instances when you are down this deep, if you are not careful, watchful and intentional, the enemy of our souls can come in dressed like an angel of light tempting you to take up trivial causes that will steal your emotional energy needed to grieve. He tempts you to divert your attention from grief to something unproductive like anger, jealousy, bitterness and unforgiveness. I have to be intentional with this one. It is a battle I refuse to participate in or give in to. I refuse to get caught up in battles that are not mine to fight and that will take me captive. I choose instead to fight against every thing that tempts me to be filled with anything contrary to the fruits of the Spirit.

I know this happens all to often to people fighting battles where they misplace their energy on what they see in the natural thinking that is the real problem...it isn't. We are in a spiritual battle that is unseen and our enemy would like nothing more to knock you off course chasing the pain of every other thing then what you are suppose to be fighting. Grief is the only thing we are fighting through right now.  Everything else is a waste of my emotional energy. I know this is a real temptation because Satan tempted me with this after my dad died. I wanted causes to fight for. I wanted to put my emotion into anything that would take my mind off the pain I was really feeling. Fighting with and for other things gave me ample opportunities to divert my attention to something that would keep me captive. Anger, offenses, jealousy and pride were all offered up to me to steal my attention and focus on those things instead of staying the course and grieving properly.  There were ample emotions to throw myself into that were meaningless leaving me fighting things that were not mine to fight. In doing that it prolonged my grieving process. I focused on the wrong things...tripping up listening to the complaints of those around me and in doing that it met my need to fix, fight and help something tangible. Grief wasn't tangible. I needed to fight something I could see and satan gave me plenty to fight against except those things left me feeling worse than the actual grief itself. I gave too much time and emotional energy to relationships thinly veiled as friendships as I tried to help but they only drained me and bogged me down with trivial problems and insecurities and that left me taking on unnecessary pain that kept me feeling empty and more broken and angry than the actual loss of my dad.

Nope. I decided this time to not do that again. I am very aware of that temptation again this time. I choose to rise above the temptation of  taking the bait that would drain me. This life lesson is firmly intact this time around as I work through grief (I pray that I don't have another time of grief to compare this one to any time soon).

Satan wants to trip you up with anything he can in order to get you to stay stagnant in your walk with God by tempting you to let anger, jealousy, bitterness, resentment, hurt feelings and offenses in and take over. They will tear you up. Trust me. Rise above all of those things. Let them go because otherwise they will pull you under.

Another chocolate in my box right now is this. I've wanted to explain how it is that I (we) can smile at events. How can I (we) hold it together to get through a design meeting, church service, banquet, outing or whatever. It is God. Simply. It's His strength. Honestly. He gives me the strength long enough to hold it together and make it through only to get in the car and get smacked with the reality again that we are hurting. That we lost our 17 year old niece and then I sob. I mean deep ugly cry kind of sob.  It is a heart wrenching cry from the depths of who I am and for so many different reasons.

I cry from the heart break I feel for my sweet little sister who I love more than words express and that I have spent the greater part of my life wanting to be there for. I see in her eyes the pain of something awful and a thing no mother should ever have to endure. Ever. The loss of her firstborn daughter. I cry for my brother in law for the same reason and for Evelyn who won't have a sister to steal clothes from, or lay on their bed together and talk about boys with, or do their hair or nails with or be the maid of honor in each others weddings or be an aunt to each others kids...just to name a few of the myriad of things that bring a permanent ache to my heart. I cry because I can see the look of absolute pain in my sister's eyes as we knowingly look at each other and ask ourselves how? How did we get here? How do you endure this kind of pain...this kind of loss? I ask myself and God how are they going through this 'worst case scenario' kind of tragedy? How do we pick up the pieces? How do we rebuild? We don't. We know God does though.

I cry when I look into my oldest daughter, Emma's, eyes. She is so much like her daddy that it makes me proud. Her strength and wisdom is unparalleled for a 16 year old young lady. Yet the pain and loss is so evident behind her eyes. She won't announce it. She won't beg for the attention of someone to help her. She won't break down in front of the world. But I know. I know because I am her mom. I know she cries into her pillow at night. I know that she is enduring a pain so great that she can't even begin to articulate the loss of her best friend, cousin/sister. I know she puts on a face and endures walking into a school absent of her best friend and she has to walk through those halls that once brought joy but now they are the valley of the shadow of death. Every. Single. Day. Those halls are a blaring reminder of the kind of loss no teen should ever have to endure. A pain that will take years to show how deep that wound really is. She and Grace were inseparable since the day Grace came to the hospital and welcomed her into this world. Now Emma has to endure Grace leaving this same world she welcomed her into...she left to early...much to early. Their bond was an instant bond. Grace has been a staple relationship in her life when others have left. Grace has encouraged Emma. She challenged Emma. She loved Emma so completely and deeply with a love so authentic and unconditional that it leaves me praying that that love will be carried in her heart for the rest of her life. But now. Now there is just intense pain and brokenness.

I cry for my middle daughter, Brooke, because she doesn't have her big cousin to jump into the arms of anymore and hang on like a little monkey clinging to her mama as they would laugh and bounce around together. I cry for that joy taken away from her. I cry for my youngest daughter, Maya, who affectionately (for as long as I can remember) called Grace 'her twin'...Grace and Maya were the bookends of our family...they had the same heart and kindred spirit and now that is gone. This kind of pain washes over us daily, sometimes moment by moment, as we remember who we have lost.

I cry for my mom who lost her best friend six years ago now only to find herself in a different kind of grief. A grief no adult should ever have to endure. The loss of a child. A grandchild. The loss of a life not lived out. A life taken unfairly from her. From us. The most unnatural kind of grief.

I explained this to a person one week after Grace died. I said grief is a crazy thing. It makes you feel bi polar. One moment you are pulled together smiling and the next you are one big hot mess. Everyone though mostly sees you smiling and interacting and the assumption by most is that you are alright. They see that we are moving forward and we are.... for the most part.

I have tons of Scripture in my heart reminding me daily how we move forward in this. I learned from the pitfalls the last time I walked through this valley. I know that despite this box of chocolates we have been given that my God really is faithful in the midst of our storms. I can tell you how thankful I am for the valley of the shadow of death after my dad died because I have learned to lean into God in the darkest of times and watched how He carried us then just like He is now. I have seen how God is always good and loving even when life doesn't make a lick of sense. I am trusting that what the enemy did for evil God will use for good. I could tell you that our theology is sound and we understand the concept of free will and the ins and outs of its beauties and atrocities (that double edged sword we call life). I have to believe that He WILL bring beauty from this heap of ashes we are sifting through. All these thoughts run through my head daily. Moment by moment reminding me and my family that our God is bigger than anything we can see with our natural eye. He is bigger than this pain we are carrying right now. It doesn't take the pain away but these Truths keep me focused on the character of God in the midst of tragedy.

So until we make it to the other side of grief I will continue to smile at events because an ugly cry isn't socially acceptable. It makes people uncomfortable. Death and unanswered questions make people nervous. I don't know why Grace died. Why in the matter of two seconds did this man swerve and hit her killing her instantly? I don't know why but I do know that Grace loved Jesus with every ounce of her person. I do know that we will all get to see her and my daddy again one day. These facts are what keep me from going crazy. I can't ask the why's because they will hurt more than the death itself. Asking why will keep stinging with no reprieve. So instead of trying to answer the why's of this box of chocolates I instead sit and wait patiently not asking why but rather 'how'. God, how will you make this one work out for good? 

He will keep faithfully showing us the 'hows".  How we will adapt to this new normal.  Knowing God doesn't take away the pain of grief at this moment. Knowing God just gives us the hope that this pain won't ruin us. That He will faithfully carry us...just as He has in the past.  It is still a process we must endure as a family but we have hope and that our God is our help, comfort and strength.

We serve a faithful God who truly is miraculously with our broken hearts. He is binding up our wounds one stitch at a time.  Despite the fact that my world is hurting, breaking and busting at the seams in my family in every direction I look,  I know that God is with us and that is where my weary heart finds rest.

Here I sit, holding this box of chocolates. Honestly, though I can't wait for the next box to come. Maybe that box will have caramel or snickers or something good but until then I hold onto God because I am certain He holds me as I hold on to Him and walks me through all this life gives me. Unexpected to me or not He is right there in the middle of it all.

 Amy Elizabeth

Being Present in the Moment

It's been far too long since I have written a blog entry. Time flies when you're having fun? Or working or living or just keeping up. Time always seems to fly.  I have intended to write something many times over but just didn't have anything to say yet and life just happens to, well, fly. Have I mentioned that already?

The thing that has been most on my mind lately is being present in our lives. What happens when life gets too busy to keep up? What do you do when your life is ohhverwhelmed by your 'to do' lists? Do we forge ahead? Do we overlook having lunch with our mom or dad? Do we overlook all the belly laughs of our babies? Do we breeze past the opportunities to sit and listen to our teen tell us everything that happened at school that day....for the millionth time? Do we neglect a close friend or do we not stop to listen to our husband when he asks that we just sit next to him and relax or do we bypass all of those things in our lives because we take for granted that they will all be there tomorrow? Do we forfeit being present in their lives in order to cross off every item on our list so we can feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of our day?

After all, our lists and crossing the things off are what really matter most in life, right? Right? Have you been guilty of that, too? We run through the myriad of things to do in our minds so quickly that we lose focus on what really matters. Then we look around at other women and think how in the world are they doing it all? How am I not keeping up?

My husband and I went last month for 10 days to visit some of our dearest friends who are missionaries in Durban, South Africa to film their ministry and just hang out. Durban is AIDS capital of the world and that was a sobering thought as I was there. The whole trip was amazing and changed my perspective on life.  My prayer leading up to our trip and every single day of the trip (often multiple times throughout each day) was that God would allow me to be present in every moment of every day with every child and person I came into contact with. He was faithful to answer that prayer and I was able to embrace every moment I had there (that was no small feat for me).  I knew I would have to be extremely intentional in living present for that week because, if you know me well, then you know that staying still in a moment does not come natural for me.  I am one that loves to see the big picture of life and tends to run ahead quickly and eagerly to see and do it all but, in doing so, I sometimes miss the details of every day life because I'm so busy running ahead to get to it all done. I'm running and missing things in order to cross everything off my list.

When I came home I realized that my intentional prayer of living in the present while with those AIDS orphans could also translate in my own life here at home, in my kids lives, my husband's life and in the friendships around me that I hold close to my heart. As this last month has blown by I realized that I had (again) forgotten to stop and live in the moment as I said 'yes' to far too many things and quickly added them all to my 'to do' list. How can I forget how to be present in only a matter of a month? Life. Life happens and we hold on for the ride rushing around doing it all instead of realizing we can say no to a few things in order to be present in the things that really do matter.

How many times do we put off what really matters most in life in order to return an unimportant text, read a useless article that will never benefit any part of our lives, watch a tv show that maybe is a waste of our time, or take a call that we know can wait until tomorrow and in doing so, we forfeit time with our husband and kids? All in order to feel that sense of accomplishment of crossing off everything on our list only to find that tomorrow another long list of things to do awaits us again when we wake up.

I'm obviously not saying to shirk your responsibilities. I know we are all busy with our schedules, jobs and obligations. All I want to suggest to you is this...take a moment to breathe and enjoy life. Can it be that maybe we put too many things on our list that really don't need to be there?  I mean seriously there will always be more schedules, career ladders and laundry to do but you may not always have that toddler running through your house squealing play with me, mommy. Or you may not always have that teenager plop down on the couch next to you asking for advice on how to respond to that boy who just asked her for math advice but really was asking her out and used the math as an excuse, or maybe your husband may eventually get tired of asking you to sit down and watch a movie with him. You will, however, always have that list of chores, those work responsibilities and all this life stuff that will keep you so busy forging ahead that you may wake up one day to realize that you missed all those little moments of life in between the day you said 'I do' and that empty nest thing everyone talks about. For what? Laundry? A job promotion? An important position in a church ministry? (Yes, church stuff can take up time better spent with your husband and kids too if done out of proportion).

My all time favorite kids movie is Meet the Robertsons and there is a song in that movie called Little Wonders and it sings over and over again 'our lives are made in these small hours'. The weight of those words are profound. Our lives are made in the small intentional moments with our husbands and kids. It is reminder to be intentionally present in each one of your days...for your kids and for your husband. Don't let your busy life steal those small moments from you. It is hard to be intentionally present. Really, really hard when you have seemingly endless things on your list to cross off. However,  I am confident that you and I can take time from our crazy lives and take a few meaningless things off our lists of things to do to intentionally be present in the lives of those around us who we love the most.

What do you say? Down with the endless list of things to do and the dishes and laundry....go make some memories with your kids and husband! Let's be honest, they will make more laundry and dirty dishes for us tomorrow anyways, so we might as well enjoy our life before they grow up and don't want to hang out anymore because we've taught them that our lists are more important than their lives.

Let's be intentionally present today, together!

Grief & Friendship

A short blog....As I knew friends who were grieving this past wknd, I had one thought & one request to those others who have been fortunate enough to not yet have undergone the pain of grief through the death of a loved one.

 My request is simple to those of you unaffected by this personal type of grief...give those you know grieving, room. They really are overwhelmed and are not trying to hurt anyone else in their process of grief. Give them room to walk through this process and be understanding that their pain is not about you. Give them room & allow them to choose who they open up to and be alright if it's not you. It's truly not something they are doing to intentionally hurt you. They may share their pain with you, they may not. They may go inward. They may not. Grief looks different for every single person. They may instead find another who can relate to their indescribable pain more than you. That's alright, it's simply because they cannot even articulate (sometimes for years) their process of pain but rather just need someone who simply 'knows' what they are going through without explanation. 

Do not take up offense in this time. Try to be understanding & selfless in your friendship during this long season. They may choose a friend who has gone through similar pain. They may not be able to carry your burdens or complaints during this time like they did before their loss. They want to...but emotionally cannot find that extra energy to do so. 

Don't be offended if a friend can't handle your things for a season or can't open up to you during that time. It is not personal. I promise. They may not say sorry over and over again (nor should they have to say sorry for grieving or how they are doing it). They may forget to be present in your friendship during their grief because their grief was and is an overwhelming process that takes years to work through and more emotions than words can describe. Through that time friendships change. It's not fun but it is inevitable. Loss changes a person. 

Please do not be offended or hold a grudge when someone who has lost a loved one changes (they honestly wish they did not have to go through this awful process & they are aware of how they have changed..it may take years to come to terms with all the ways they've changed but they do see it) so allow them that time to work through it all. 

Don't be hurt if they are not capable of responding to you the way you need them to. Give them room. Their grief is all they can handle for that season. There might not be an apology because when a person grieves, the pain is so much to carry, a person often lets go of the trivial day to day things they were always able to keep up with only to cling to Jesus alone because they know it is Him alone that will carry them through it all. For anyone that has held an offense against someone who was grieving, your friend knows after many years go by who they have unintentionally hurt and it breaks their heart...however, grief was all they could handle at that time and your response to them shows your heart and the depth of your friendship or lack of depth your friendship has. That may determine the friendship going forward. Grief changes a person in a few hundred big ways and millions of little ways. Grief can be beyond their control. 

Don't hold the death of a loved one against your friend...one day you, too, will be walking in their shoes and you will need a friend to sit quietly next to you and simply say 'I know' and not expect one single thing more from you. This is it this month for my deep philosophical status.

Are You a Prisoner of Your Mind?

Have you ever felt like if you could only get away from your mind and your thoughts you would be alright? You're not alone. Scores of people find themselves wishing the same thing.

Ok, well maybe not everyone has this problem. For instance, my husband. When we first got married I remember asking him what he thought about when he sat down on the couch after a long day. He said nothing. Static. I think of nothing. I said nothing? Nothing goes through your mind? Nope. He told me he just shuts it all off. 

I remember thinking to myself that is hilarious because I seriously could make an entire two hour feature length film all up in my head in about 2.3 seconds! Maybe it was because I was creative or maybe it was because I was just nuts but seriously I would pay big money to have someone tell me how I can just shut my mind off.  Is there a switch somewhere? Is there a trick to it? I searched for years wondering how I could get all those thoughts I didn't want in my mind to just shut up! How can I shut them off? I'm not talking about crazy nefarious types of thoughts.  No, more just like crazy questions, scenarios or stories I could make up at the drop of a dime and then play them on loop over and over and over and....you get the point.

Maybe, you're like that too.  Maybe, your rogue thoughts are a bit deeper or maybe more destructive.  Maybe they are the thoughts of derogatory things people of said to you. Hurtful things that tore you apart but you never said they did but now they have taken root and they've played on loop so much in your mind that you believe them. Thoughts of inadequacy, incompetence, jealousy or fear. Maybe, they are lies and thoughts of suicide, affairs, bitterness and anger. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's just stuff that takes up too much time wasted on useless things.  It's wasting energy. 

When I had my 3rd baby almost 12 years ago by way of c-section it did not go as planned and I ended up paralyzed for over 24 hours from my chest down. I had a serious staff infection and difficulties breathing with no explanations why. As I laid in the hospital my mind went into over drive with fear, panic and questions if I would ever walk again. I remember thinking I have to gain clarity on this. Panicking will only compound this. I remember saying outloud in the hospital bed. Stop. Stop thinking all these crazy thoughts even though my situation was ridiculous! I began to repeat over and over in my mind take every thought captive. Take every thought captive. (2 Corinthians 10:5) Over and over I said that out loud. Whatever is true, noble, excellent, trustworthy (Philippians 4:8)....these were scriptures I had hidden in my heart that now in crisis were becoming my life line to stop all the other lies and voices from being louder than Truth.

My paralysis eventually just stopped. I could walk again. Nobody could ever give an exact answer as to why I was paralyzed for a brief period but it did leave me with a bunch of irrational fears for about 2 years. Each time the fear would come I would quote scriptures to bring a peace to my mind and situation. Sometimes hundreds of times in a day. It became my habit. I wouldn't always get it right but I was learning how to get a hold of my crazy thoughts.

The crazy thing was and is that those thoughts don't stop coming just because I know how to control them. They still come. I still have moments where I know I have a choice to allow the 2 hour feature length movie of fearful thoughts unfold in my mind which would produce no good fruit or do I choose to trust God with my life and thoughts and think on things above not on earthly things?

Several years back, I went through something similar again when my dad died. Only the thoughts this time were even darker and more painful to walk through and were not fear based but potentially could have been destructive if not stopped.  The lesson I took from that valley of extreme thoughts is that there are times in life you not only need to take every thought captive and make it obedient to God you sometimes need to take yourself completely out of a situation that is perpetuating those thoughts.  Run. Flee. It does not matter if it makes sense to people around you. If God is telling you to leave a situation because it is harming you or your walk with Him and causing you to feel defeated, I think it is alright to walk away. Regain your composure. Take every thought and give them to God so He can bring restoration to your life.  

Be encouraged today that you do have a choice on what to think on. You are stronger than you think you are. Don't believe the lies on loop in your mind. Greater is He who is in you than He who is in the world. (1 John 4:4).

Refocus your thoughts on God and His Truth about you and your situation today.  It may not mean your situation will necessarily change but your perspective will and with a Godly perspective comes His peace which is so desperately lacking in the world we live in today. You can do it! If I could and can so can you! There is such a feeling of overcoming when you come through a season of intense depth and you know that you choose to think on God and His Word to carry you through it!

What is the definition of true beauty?

Here is an inspired clip on the definition of what true beauty, worth and value are.  I was asked to speak and inspire the women attending the Fashion for Freedom event hosted by Ashley Lorano's Party with a Purpose event highlighting the Michigan Abolitionist Project (MAP) and what they are doing to fight modern day slavery (human trafficking).

Be inspired! You are beautiful and have value!




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWZeVk0oNas

February 8th - My Dad Knows Best

 
January and February are filled with many different emotions.  February 8th at 7:30pm marks the 5 year anniversary of that cold winter night my dad took his last breath here and entered into eternity.

5 years.  5 years without talking to him. 5 years without him making us all laugh at all the times we were 'suppose' to be serious. 5 years have passed and all 5 of his granddaughters have all grown 5 years older. 5 years without his advice, tough love and encouragement helping me through things when I would rather fall down and not move forward. 5 years of seeing the pain behind my moms smile because she lost the love of her life of 40 years. 5 years where my husband has had to go without the only father figure he ever had.

I could write a blog 50 pages long that would chronicle the million and one lessons learned from this loss, grief and even the purpose given to all of it but, instead, I am left with this reoccurring lesson that my dad taught me through his life and death and I will hold onto until the day I take my very last breath.

Time stops for nobody. It keeps moving forward so choose wisely what you do with it. That is the only choice we do have in regards to time. What we do with it & what we pour it into.

Our choice and solution to that question has something to do with people. Eternity will be filled with them. I am left with the understanding that, because the very nature of God is relational, then our life should model that, too, with an emphasis on building relationship with Him and with others. 

How we choose to spend our time here pouring into relationships with Him and building relationships with other people is really what time is all about. The 'how' is for you to figure out and seek God for but it should always be about investing your time into other people. 

Giving time to your kids even when you're tired and can't possibly answer one more 'why' question from your toddler or one more math question from you junior higher. It is time spent wiping away one more tear because of a broken little heart due to girl drama she didn't want to be in. It is time spent with your spouse even though you want to tell him he was loading the dishwasher wrong...again. Instead, you choose to see the big picture with a life spent with him building your future together, raising kids and choosing to enjoy the journey, chaos and all. It's about time spent helping friends, serving people, and giving back to those who need it. It's about helping those who have no hope, no voice, no direction or understanding of God's love and redemption. It's about offering that hope to everyone God puts in your path. It's investing our time into those people around us.

Time. Such a precious commodity. One that can't be taken back at the end of the day. There are no real life ground hogs day. No do over's. Live life with no regrets. Say I love you. Choose to say sorry over having to be right and win all the time.  Don't throw away a relationship because it didn't serve you well enough (excluding toxic relationships obviously). Believe the best in people and use your words to build up not tear down. 

People matter and spending your time on that will never be a waste.  You have the choice as to how you spend your time. Why not use it to invest in other lives? I promise the return on it is of eternal importance.

5 years later and that has been my greatest lesson learned from my dad and our loss. Time stops for no one and relationships will be the only thing we can bring into eternity so make every moment count by investing your time into building relationships.

When I take my last breath, like my dad did, and his final words to me were reaffirming how much he loved me...I want to know I spent my time wisely doing all the things that mattered most by loving and pouring into the lives around me all the while sharing who God was in the time given to me.

So, if you see me on or around February 8th, please understand this time of year I become reflective and may tear up a bit about the time my dad invested into my life and everyone else around me and how his life profoundly impacted me.  He choose to spend his time wisely in relationships all around and I chose to follow in his footsteps all the days of my life, too.  

Thanks, dad, for showing me that people and relationships matter most.  I miss you and I love you.  See you when I get home.

Amy Elizabeth